A Rumbling Volcano

Phew. This is just a random journal splurt. I'm overwhelmed with emotions and thoughts because it's Christmas Eve/Day at midnight and this December has been overwhelming. I just want to write and type, although I have no specific topic or theme to focus on. I need to dust myself off and try to declutter all the words, ideas, feelings, etcetera that seem to be clogging my expression and making it difficult for me to pinpoint my aim.

Let me just start by explaining how extreme December 2022 has been in my opinion. I'm not talking about temperatures. I got paid my usual monthly social security payment on the 3rd of the month. By the end of the first week, I was practically broke and I still don't know what happened. I also got an early Christmas present from my husband. A 2012 Ford Transit. I absolutely love it and I never want to get out of it. But it needs attention and I haven't been able to do much because of how broke I am. I was able to get a payment plan on some new tires, and do some research on other needed care that is required.

I spent most of my days this month upset about the sum of 2022 and how it seems to be closing with a feeling of disappointment and failure. Yet as bleak as that may sound, hope and the will to prevail have remained within my spirit. Knowing that my husband and I don't always agree or get along perfectly, yet he found it within his means to gift me a vehicle that seems to be made especially for me, is an uplifting light in a dark cloud. Knowing that spending time with my very busy and popular son is always a challenge for us, he still found a way to make time for me on Christmas Eve, and treated me to a great movie that touched both our hearts. How can I possibly pretend that I'm not touched and grateful for such love and beauty in life? I can't.

When I got home from the movie tonight, my husband was already in bed sleeping. On my desk, my laptop was hooked up to a very cool (lit-up) keyboard and working. I had been complaining about technology problems and how upset I was that I could not utilize my new laptop. I get home and the "problems" are resolved. Usually when I complain, nothing happens but at least I got the anger off my chest. But when a solution actually occurs, I'm in awe. It's such a unique surprise. I always loved solving other people's problems. I always thought no one cared one bit about MY problems. Yet it's the little things that I notice that people do for me that show me that even though I complain about a lot of silly or insignificant factors of life, some of the people I tell do care and do try to solve the problems if they can. That is uplifting.

I tend to spend Decembers reviewing the year. Did I achieve anytthing I wanted to achieve? Did I stay true to myself? Did I make any memories that will keep me aglow into the future? Do I have regrets or failures or lessons that I should admit and utilize? I had learned 20 years ago that life doesn't always go according to my plans. It seems that even though I learn that over and over again, the lesson is relentless and constantly beating me over the head as if I'm supposed to live day to day not having any vision or any idea or dream or pursuit to guide me. I don't know why life wants to beat me up about that. I really really don't like living aimlessly or without a dream or purpose or plan. I understand that we don't always get what we want. I also understand that sometimes not getting what we want is actually better for us. But what I don't understand is why and how the so-called "right" path (that is, following all the advice of the laws, elders, counselors, teachers, etcetera) consistently led me to failure and disappointment. What was life trying to do to me? Kill me. Well, if the "right" path of Life was trying to kill me, I have to report that I was not the failure of that plan. No, sorry to disappoint you, but I am a survivor. "I get knocked down, but I get up again." Even if I have to yell, scream, cry, curse, and bitch the whole time that I'm struggling. Laugh at my plans all day long, if it amuses you. Laugh at me as I stumble and crawl my way back to walking if that amuses you. I can not learn a life of no dreams or purpose. I can not learn to awake on a fresh day and act like I have no hope or chance of peace, love, and happiness that I seek.

Some days are harder than others. Some months and some years are harder than others. Some plans succeed and some fail. Some of my personal strengths can be some of my weaknesses depending on what I'm trying to do or who I'm trying to work with. I know this, yet I also know that as the emotions get jumbled up in the striving of life, I will act like I do not know. I will sound like the hypocrite that I detest, or the liar that I don't trust ---- simply because that is unavoidable ---- and to be human is to allow ourselves to love and hate all of our personality aspects, whether we want to accept them or not.

Merry Christmas. 2022 years ago, a baby named Jesus was born to a virgin named Mary. He was raised by Mary and Joseph. He was called the Messiah by those who followed the North star and the prophecies. He was crucified at the age of 33, and the church of Christianity was established. I was blessed to be born into a family who taught me about Jesus. Blessed to know how they love Him and celebrate Him. I thank God and Jesus and all the Saints and Angels, for all my blessings.

2022 is almost over. Another week and a New Year will begin. I am full of hope again.