A Journal of a Complex Person

Hi there, I go by the nickname Aki due to my trust issues with the internet. It's always good to exercise caution in this vast online space where anonymity and uncertainty prevail. You might be wondering why I've embarked on this journaling journey.

Well, I suppose it serves as an outlet for me to express the intricate thoughts and emotions that arise from the complexity of my personality.

Life presents me with moments of sheer joy and immense satisfaction when I engage with people. I revel in the art of making jokes, immersing myself in captivating conversations, and embarking on exhilarating online gaming adventures with my friends.

It's during these times that I feel a profound sense of happiness and fulfillment like I've discovered my place in the world.

However, amidst these moments of bliss, a lingering undercurrent of loneliness and sadness tugs at my heart. Despite my friends' unwavering support, their continuous cheers, and invaluable advice, I find it challenging to open up about the true wellsprings of my discomfort.

Instead, I often find solace in venting about trivial matters—like my perceived lack of skill in a game or my frustration at falling short of certain goals. The deeper struggles that reside within the depths of my mind remain concealed, hidden from the world and even from those closest to me.

Nature beckons me, and I find solace in its embrace, but I've never truly ventured out alone to experience the liberating freedom it offers. When I'm with friends, they unabashedly pour out their thoughts and feelings, their emotions flowing like a river. As I silently observe from the corner, listening intently to their conversations about love, happiness, and despair, an indescribable unease creeps into my thoughts.

I can't help but question myself: "Why is it so effortless for them to express themselves?" and "Why do I struggle to vocalize what's truly inside my mind?"

A hint of envy tingles within me as I witness their ability to release stress and frustrations with ease. While they find solace in direct communication, I find myself gravitating toward alternative means of expression.

Through music, quotes, and poetry, I can channel my deepest frustrations, unveiling the depths of my emotions in a language that transcends conventional conversation. These artistic outlets become conduits through which my heart speaks, ensuring that my inner world finds a voice, albeit in unconventional ways.

However, there are also moments when the allure of solitude calls to me. Engaged in quiet conversations with myself, I seek solace in introspection, exploring the intricacies of my thoughts and emotions.

The pages of books and the glow of screens become my companions as I delve into the worlds crafted by authors and indulge in binge-watching sessions on my own.

There's an undeniable charm in sharing these experiences with others, but there's an equally profound beauty in the intimate communion between me, myself, and the stories that unfold before my eyes.

The companionship of my friends is a cherished treasure, yet there are occasions when doubts linger. I can't help but wonder if they truly understand the depths of my being.

Are they drawn to my presence solely because of what I can offer them? Do they see me as someone who is always available to meet their needs? These questions linger in my mind, casting shadows of uncertainty and planting seeds of doubt.

The possibility that I may be grappling with conditions like bipolar disorder or ADHD lurks within my thoughts. However, the fear of unveiling the truth, of peering into the depths of my being, holds me back from seeking a formal diagnosis.

I traverse this maze of uncertainty, questioning if others share similar experiences or if I am alone in this labyrinthine journey of self-discovery.