30 Things I Learned at 30

We're going to pretend this is going to be funny. (It probably won't.)

Here are just some of the things I learned in the months since I turned the big 3-0.

30. It's okay to be freaked out by the number.

"Middle age"—it's looming. No, you can't slow down the train, but you can try to enjoy the ride as much as you can.

Thirty. That's half of sixty. Will I live to age sixty? Oh, crap, I'm already halfway through...

29. Anyone who said grades mattered is a liar.

No one's going to ask what your GPA was or what your ACT score was. No one's going to care if you were valedictorian in high school. No one's going to look past the degree and your alma mater.

Honestly, kids, grades are only good when you're trying to get scholarships for college/universities. After—well, they're pretty useless other than talking points (which will probably make you look like a braggart anyway).

28. Everyone is going to have a sudden interest in your life and what you're doing as far as dating/getting married/having kids/being a success story of the Nuclear Family Dream.

And everyone has an opinion too. You do you, boo.

27. People will still tell you "you're too shy" at parties if you're the wallflower/introvert.

It's never going to go away either. Better get used to it since it'll probably follow you till you're old and gray!

26. You don't have to watch whatever everyone else is watching to be "with it."

I know. You still long to be in the "in crowd"—whatever that means. You think it has something to do with TikTok or Netflix or both. But, yeah, use that streaming app wisely since you're not gonna like everything the masses do—like Bridgerton. (Those are a few hours of your life you'll never get back.) Don't worry about the internet water cooler. You've got better things to do with your time (like, uh, work on that novel you've been meaning to?).

25. You will be puzzled by the sudden advent of stuff being "so cringe," as the young'uns put it.

The grammatical incorrectness is surely driving someone else out there bonkers, right? Right?!

24. Gen Z hates your generation of millennials for some reason (because it all started on the internet, as these things do).

Somehow a war started online between Gen Z and millennials. Knowing your generation, you suspect the millennials fired the first shot. It'll die down...in a few months. Maybe a few years. Internet happenings are hard to predict that way.

23. TikTok is a strange yet miraculous place. Who knew?

And it's probably even more of a Time Suck than Tumblr was in the early 2010's. (God, you feel old.)

22. You look older if you frown a lot, so at least plaster on a smile so you can look only a day over twenty.

Work those smile muscles! You can do it!

21. Being a college grad at thirty looks bad on your resume.

It's too bad you can't preface your resume with a cover letter that goes into detail why you didn't start college until your mid-twenties. But would they care? When you go for a job interview, you get the impression the interviewers didn't look at your cover letter OR your resume. And then they ask questions about whether you'd want to be trapped on an island with a group of teenagers or a group of senior citizens. What the hell?

20. You don't feel thirty, but you feel as if you've grown ancient overnight.

You think you have a case of Bella Swan Syndrome. You're waiting for the nightmare where you face your old self, not realizing until the mirror reveals itself in wide relief. It can't be that bad to get older? Right? Anyone? *sobs*

19. The job market sucks.

It's a sad world when you send out two hundred applications and get two interviews out of the deal.

18. You are suddenly always "ma'am" at the store.

Do I have "ma'am" plastered to my forehead now? Do I? I get that you're trying to be respectful, young man, but you're really hurting my feelings here as you hand me my bag of groceries.

17. Dating apps are intimidating.

The days of meeting in a bar or a club seem lost, given way to Tinder and Bumble and maybe Match.com (does that still exist?). And this swiping thing—it sounds awfully sketchy. Maybe you're better off just trying to catch the eye of that bartender over there (Ha! As if that has worked before).

16. It's probably best if you leave out that you're a "cat lover" off anything remotely professional (and sometimes even personal).

Cat lady jokes have sadly yet to go out of fashion. You suspect it's a societal staple now.

15. If you had started learning a second language fifteen years ago, you would probably be fluent by now.

Yeah, this one would bum anyone out, I think.

14. You start to bore yourself sometimes.

If you could record every conversation you had, you probably wouldn't need to take melatonin to sleep at night. The sound of your voice alone is probably the greatest snoozing method ever.

13. You'll be both glad and disappointed you didn't have a big birthday bash to commemorate your thirtieth year.

You didn't miss the party, but the presents would have been nice. And a cake. That would have been nice too. Maybe you'll have one at forty (if you make it that far).

12. You wonder how your mom was already married and saddled with a kid by age thirty because you can barely take care of a cat.

Thank goodness cats use litter boxes and don't require diaper changes (unless they're special-needs cats, poor babies).

11. The post-grad blues suck.

It probably hits harder too because you're thirty and not twenty-two.

10. Job interviews are an acquired talent that only the few possess.

The rest of us just look like we're trying too hard.

9. Never bring up writing to normal folk.

They will ask how "the hobby" is going, and all that will make you want to do is cry into your glass of Diet Coke.

8. Strangers on the internet are funnier than people in real life.

What a sad little universe this is that the people around you, with voices and gestures and inflections in their voices, aren't as funny as your writer friend whose latest article made you snort soda out of your nose.

7. They lied when they said, "Follow your passion."

They were just setting you up for the same failures and disappointments they themselves experienced. Psych!

6. You may have been lonely in your teens, but at age thirty you just want to become a hermit somewhere.

Is there a reality show for that?

5. No one ever really found "a calling"; they just fell into different opportunities along the way.

Anyone who mentions "callings" and "meant-to-be's" is trying to sell you something.

4. You'll still regret how you acted all the way back in high school, as if that had a bearing on how sucky your life in the present is.

You'll almost want to sent out an apology message via Facebook. Almost.

3. Credit card debt and mortgages are the real ball-and-chain duo of life.

Can't shake 'em, can't live without 'em (unless you're the one-percent; then you're okay).

2. It's your life, no matter what anyone says: make of that what you can.

You have to live with yourself at the end of the day, right?

1. It doesn't get any easier from here either.

Here's to another decade with the cocktail of misery and drops of contentment—also known as Life.

Feel free to tell me to keep my day job since comedy and satire are so far beyond the realm of my capabilities. If you'd like more serious fare, take a gander at my profile page. Thanks for your support!