11 Things Your Dentist Doesn’t Want You to Know

Yes, we know you don’t like us, but there’s no reason to be nervous. You should be terror-stricken instead. Because tooth fairies are sadistic folk, and we are their minions set on earth to carry out their evil deeds.

So here I am, ready to spill some blood to you petty humans.

1. We can sense your anxiety. The minute you walk in, we know. The same way a Vampire smells blood from miles away. The elevated heartbeat, slight tremble, the fear in your eyes- we love it.

2. We ask, “How many times do you brush your teeth?” for fun. Nobody brushes twice a day and flosses every day. We know you are lying, you little prick. You brushed 2 minutes before you left the house and popped in gum for some razzle-dazzle before you came here. We can see right through your tricks.

3. If you don’t think your mouth smells, trust me, it does. How you can be so oblivious to this is beyond us. Even that expensive mouth freshener cannot cover it up. And if you brushed like you claim you do, why does it smell like something died in here?

4. We love asking you questions while examining your teeth. No, we didn’t forget that your mouth is wide open, and you can only move your eyeballs. We find your antics hilarious.

5. When we ask for your medical history, we don’t want to know about the severe case of gonorrhoea you had to deal will five years back. We don’t care. This is not the place to dump your life story, Susan. The therapist is next door- I’ll write you a referral. Looks like you need one.

6. If having sex on the dental chair is one of your dirty fantasies, then don’t. We have tried it, and it’s not that comfortable. Something about having the drilling machine too close to the ass. It’s like a scene from Final Destination waiting to happen.

7. If you are a ‘Google patient’ — we LOVE you! Yes, we love everything about you. Your determination to cure yourself through the internet is the reason we love our jobs so much. I have a special board set up for my Google patients. You deserve the recognition.

My personal favourite is that one middle-aged uncle who told me he wouldn’t get his upper tooth extracted because he would lose his vision. After all, the Universe connects everything in some way. Like your eyes and your teeth. Something dental school forgot to teach us. But thanks to Google, we all know.

8. Every time you tell us you diagnosed yourself, we wish we could treat you exactly the way you want. We don’t mind drilling into a perfectly normal tooth because you told us to. Even when the cavity on the adjacent tooth is staring at our face in confusion. But hey! More money for us.

9. We won’t believe you, no matter how much you insist that you are a non-smoker. The stains on your teeth didn’t materialize out of thin air. We also saw you smoking outside on our way in.

10. We have a little box filled with teeth. The same way a serial killer collects trophies from victims, we collect teeth. We will deny this, but it is our most prized possession. (We give it to the tooth fairies to use as daily supplements.)

11. “This will hurt a little bit” is our favourite lie to tell. It’s going to hurt. So much that you’ll be crying for your Mama. It’s your fault you didn’t come in for regular check-ups. Stop being a baby and deal with the consequences.

That’s all for now dear (I will poke you with the syringe five times for fun so don’t think you are dear to me).

Your favourite not so amicable insensitive neighbourhood dentist.