The Girl Under the Light

I decided a long time ago that everyone could go fuck themselves. Nobody ever cared about my well-being, so why would I care about anyone else’s?

For as long as I can remember, my life has been what it is.

Sad.

Loveless.

Disgusting.

I don’t recall a time when I felt anything other than complete terror or anger or... nothing.

I spent my entire childhood in a single room; a plaything to many, many sick people. And for the last 7 years, I have spent my time, again, in a single room; this time only a plaything to my ugly memories of those people.

I carry no happy moments with me.

I could transform into this great being this very second or close my eyes and envision a place of color, but I would hold no feelings towards any of it... because no matter where I go or who I become... I will always be the girl under the light.

Dr. Loren removed his eyeglasses and pinched the bridge of his narrow nose with the tips of his thumb and index finger. His team sat quietly and waited for him to speak.

He sat there awhile with his face in his hand; he sighed and lifted his head. You could see a long scar trail from between his eyebrows and down to the mid-portion of his right cheek.

He replaced his glasses and directed his comment to his lead psychiatric nurse, “Please write what I say verbatim into the patient’s chart.”

She nodded and opened the folder.

Dr. Loren sat up straight in his chair.

“The patient is and, for as long as she has been in our care, been a danger to herself and others. She has failed to advance in treatment over the last 7 years, despite the consistent work of myself and my team. She refuses to put forth genuine effort into any of her therapy sessions. She is manipulative and has shown definite sociopathic tendencies. Because of the patient’s unspeakable past and the abuse she endured, she has become a shell of the person she could have been and we cannot get through. She has shown to have developed certain...characteristics, which make her a threat to anyone around her, especially those who she believes to be at fault. It would be unwise and unsafe to release the patient into a normalized community. It is in my professional opinion that the patient not be released... ever”.

Everyone surrounding the table watched him as he spoke and when he finished, someone cleared their throat, “Which measures of treatment will be taken now?”

Dr. Loren stared at no one in particular when he said, “There will be no new treatment.”

They all looked around at each other.

He continued, “The patient has not improved, and through trying to help her, she has brought on too much damage to our staff and herself.” He rubbed the end portion of his scar that lay on his cheek and thought for a moment about what took place earlier that month; the sole reason for them all being there today. “The patient will remain on her current medications and she will continue her therapy sessions with me weekly. But we will offer no new treatments. Nobody - and this is very important - is to be in direct contact with her outside of transporting her to and from the therapy room or providing her meals. You do not speak to her. You do not look at her. During transport cover her eyes, bind her wrists, and make sure to never touch her with your bare hands. Anyone who disobeys these protocols will be terminated immediately for allowing yourself and others to be put in harm’s way. Are we understood?”

There were nods around the table.

“Okay then, let’s get her situated for this week’s session,” He scooted his chair back, stood, and left the room.

“Turn around”, the behavioral health technician told me at the door.

I turned my back towards the large, metal exit and they opened two small slots: one at the height of my head and the other at the height of my waist. I put my hands behind me and I felt the handcuffs lock around each of my wrists. I was used to that, but then I felt the cloth of the blindfold enfold over my eyes, and my small, grey room vanished. This was new.

“Move away from the door and then stay put.”

I took two steps forward and I could hear the locks being undone and a heavy creaking.

The technician put a belt around the bottom half of my torso and used that to lead me out of my room and down the hall. I knew the way so well that I could have walked it blindly on my own. But they didn’t blindfold me to confuse me. They blindfolded me for their own safety.

I smiled at that.

My slippered feet continued to shuffle on the linoleum flooring and as I breathed in, I could still smell the breakfast that they delivered earlier to me that morning. I was the only patient who lived in this unit. They arranged that after my first year here.

Once we made our way down, we turned into the corridor that Dr. Loren’s therapy office was in. We stopped right outside, and I heard the button being pushed and someone over the intercom say, “Yes, bring her in.”

I felt the technician grip me using the belt. He led me inside the room and buckled me to a chair. It was the same chair I always sat in during our sessions. I could tell by the soft cushion beneath my bottom, but the firm back that I leaned against. I could also feel the buckles to each side of me that connected to my belt.

“Good morning, Dr. Loren,” I smiled, “You have gotten creative.” I managed my best pointing motion with my shoulder and directed it to my eyes.

“Good morning, Ellie. Yes, it is for your well-being.”

I gave a huffed laugh and leaned my shoulders forward a bit, “I don’t think so, but you can believe that.”

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“Nothing. How is Nurse Shawna?”

“She has,” He paused, “taken a leave of absence. But you’re aware of that, aren’t you?”

I ignored the question and tsked, “That’s a shame. I enjoyed her.”

“Then, can I ask why you did what you did?” Dr. Loren crossed one leg over the other. I could hear the rustle of his pant legs, and I sensed he watched me try to listen to all the other sounds in the room.

“What I did? What did I do? Hey, when did you get another sound machine?” I moved my attention to the waterfall noise in the corner behind him.

“Right after our last session together. The other was on its way out, anyway. It was time for a new one. Why did you change the subject? What are you avoiding?”

I adjusted myself in the chair, “I didn’t change the subject to change the subject. I just took notice of the new sound and was curious. I am not avoiding anything.”

“Well, then?” He pressed a little.

“Well then, what?”

“Why did you do what you did?”

“Who says I did anything at all?” My face was staring directly toward where he sat, and although he couldn’t see my eyes, I knew he could still feel the intensity of them.

“There were staff and other patients that said...”

I interrupted him, “Said what? That I made Nurse Shawna have a breakdown? Have you noticed where she works? The people she deals with daily?”

“People like you?” He asked.

“Exactly. I am surprised that she didn’t have a breakdown sooner.”

I shifted again in my chair and muttered something under my breath.

“Are you uncomfortable? I thought that was the chair you favored most in my office.” Dr. Loren asked me.

“It was. Have you ever been handcuffed, blindfolded, and buckled to a chair though?”

“No, but I also have never intentionally hurt anyone either.”

“Probably because nobody has ever intentionally hurt you.” My light, sarcastic demeanor disappeared and my mouth sat heavily. My shoulders stopped slouching forward and stiffened up.

“What you mean is that nobody has hurt me in how others have hurt you?”

I turned my head towards the window as if I was looking out.

I could feel the warmth on the parts of my face that weren’t covered. I hadn’t been outside since the first year they admitted me here. And the only time they granted me access to windows now was when I sat in Dr. Loren’s office. After the incident with Nurse Shawna, they even took away my rec room privilege. It was now just my small space, the hallway, and Dr. Loren’s office.

“Ellie, it has been 7 years since you were removed from that room. 7 years that you could have tried working through everything they put you through. 7 years that you could have forgiven - for yourself - and moved on. But it is as if you don’t want to move on. You act as if you want to stay in the mindset of who you were the day you escaped that room.”

“I will never escape that room.”

“But Ellie, you have. You HAVE escaped that room. You are here now, with me. That room is only a very painful memory. A memory that can be lived with if - and only if - you want to move on.”

“I will never escape that room,” I repeated.

I sat quietly and my bottom lip twitched, but out of disgust and anger.

Dr. Loren sighed and called for the tech to come and escort me back to my room.

I had to figure out a way to avoid that damn blindfold. I knew something like this would happen eventually and honestly, I was shocked it took until Nurse Shawna for them to do it.

They took me back to my room after my session with Dr. Loren ended. My dinner was due to arrive soon and after that, they would allow me one bathroom access before lights out.

I had to get out tonight.

No sooner than I thought that, there was a knock on the door that separated me from everyone else.

“Dinnertime, Ellie,” I heard as the lower sliding slot opened up and they shoved a tray of food through on a styrofoam tray.

As always, the tech had a hold of the tray with an extended gripping tool so that I couldn’t touch him.

Ironic, wasn’t it? All my life people couldn’t keep their fucking hands off of me and now, no one wanted to come within arm’s reach of me.

I got up off the bare mattress and sauntered across the empty cell. I stood in front of the door and didn’t try to take it.

After a moment, the tech huffed, “Grab the tray, Ellie.”

“I need to use the restroom,” I said.

“You know that your restroom break isn’t until after dinner. Now, take the tray.”

“Fine,” I raised my voice, “I guess I will just shit on the walls. And who do you think they’ll blame?”

“Lower your voice,” he said, still having a grip on my dinner.

“I need... to use... the restroom!” I screamed.

The tray was shoved back through and the slot slammed shut. I heard things clatter on the other side. Then silence. I pushed my ear against the door and could hear nothing. A few minutes went by before a loud bang on the door echoed off the walls.

Someone came over the intercom and said, “Turn around now.”

I turned my back towards the door and held back a smile. They could see me on the camera and I didn’t want them realizing that I was up to something, especially when I wasn’t even sure myself what that looked like.

Seeing that I turned my back, they came over again and said, “Back up to the door with your hands behind you.”

I moved backward and could feel the cold material of the door on my fingertips. I heard the bottom slot slide open and felt the handcuffs cover my wrists. Then it shut and the top slot opened.

I contemplated turning at that second, but I knew that there were too many things that could go wrong and they would just enforce more rules and make it harder for me to get out. I let the blindfold be wrapped around my eyes and then took the two steps forward, as directed.

Standing there, the door swung open, and they tightened the belt around my waist. They led me to the bathroom at the opposite end of the hall in silence. Once we got there, the tech guided me inside and to the toilet.

“Can I have some privacy?” I asked.

“You know that you can’t,” he said.

“Look at me,” I shook the cuffs behind my back, “How can I do anything I’m not supposed to?”

“Ellie...”

“Please...” I said in my most convincing pitiful voice. “Could you shit in front of someone? I’ll only be five minutes, swear.”

He said nothing, and it worried me that my random plan wouldn’t work, but then he sighed.

“Five minutes and the door stays cracked.”

“Deal!” I agreed.

He helped me to pull my pants down and then buckled me to the toilet. I heard him walk away and before he stood outside, he said again, “Five minutes.”

I smiled and nodded.

I could hear the door creak close and I realized one of two things would happen: I would get lucky and he really would be outside the bathroom while I tried to get the blindfold off or... I would get caught.

I took my chances.

I knew there was a toilet paper dispenser on the wall to the right of me. If I could get my face down to the corner, I could use it to push down the blindfold. Thankfully, the surrounding belt was buckled low at my waist, so bending over wouldn’t be too difficult.

I lowered my face down and felt the dispenser on my cheek. I moved around until I felt the edge. Carefully, I guided the blindfold and moved my face upward.

And just like that, I could see.

The blindfold fell around my neck.

Almost immediately after, I heard the tech moving around outside the door and I hastened as soon as he came back in.

Before he even realized what was happening, I locked eyes with him and said, “Do not look away!”

He stood there motionless, staring at me and I realized if this was to happen it needed to happen now.

“Remove the belt and unlock the handcuffs, then remove your gloves,” I demanded.

Almost zombie-like, he moved towards me and did as I said.

I stood up, stretched, and rubbed the skin around my wrists. I stared at him again and said, “You will get me out of here without getting caught.”

I then reached out and took his hand in mine.

He remained still for a moment, then said, “Follow me.”

We stopped at the door of the bathroom and he looked outward.

“There are cameras on both ends of the corridors, but there is a window in one room on the Northside,” He stated.

“Get me into that room,” I said, as I squeezed his hand.

He pulled me in the room's direction. With his empty hand, he pulled out his key ring and unlocked the latch. We walked in together and I eyed the window. It was big enough for me to crawl through, but there was no way of opening it, and breaking it would cause too much of a commotion.

“We need to find another way out,” I said.

I turned to the tech, “Do not let go of my hand. Lead me to the camera room like I’m still handcuffed.”

I pulled the blindfold back over my eyes and placed my hands behind my back while still gripping his hand in mine. I could feel him leading me somewhere and only hoped that this plan was working.

As we got closer to the room, I heard someone over his radio ask if everything was okay.

We stopped, and he said, “We’re here.”

“Take me inside now.”

He opened the door. I pulled down my blindfold covering and looked at the woman standing in front of me.

She stopped mid-step.

“Tell me who is all here tonight.”

She said, “Seth,” pointing at the tech next to me, “myself and two other night aides.”

“Tell me where the other night aides are.”

“One is on a suicide watch for Mr. Cameron and the other is doing rounds.”

She just kept staring.

I stared back.

“Call the aide that is rotating and say they need to be a one-on-one watch for a patient on the other side of the building, opposite the front door.”

She called over the radio to the aide and he agreed without question.

“Now, you will shut down all of the cameras and both of you will get me out of here. NOW.”

Within seconds after she shut them down, we all rushed down the main hall hand in hand: one on each side of me. We reached the front entrance and I remembered that I had no shoes or decent clothing.

Staring at the female aide, I said, “Take off your clothes and shoes.”

She started to undress.

Picking up the pile, I could feel car keys in one pocket. I said shakily, but still from all of my adrenaline, “You will let me walk out of this building and once I am gone, you will forget you saw me at all until tomorrow morning.”

They both nodded.

I took a step towards the door. I stared at them both and the empty hallway behind them.

This was happening.

I turned to the door and was greeted by the chilly night air as I opened it. I took in a deep breath, released, and walked out into the darkness.

Short Story by: Asia, The Colorful Writer