Reed Alexander's Horror Review Shit's All Over 'Day of the Dead: Bloodlines' (2018)

You don't have to read past the spoilers. Don't watch this flaming pile of red hot bloody diarrhea...

SPOILERS!!!

You know what? I really thought this goddamn movie was going to move beyond the "almost rape" scene at the beginning. I'm fucking serious. I am done, and I mean FUCKING done, with movies that center their plot around rape. But it had me fooled, because the female lead escaped without actually getting raped, and because her rapist was promptly eaten by a zombie. So, I let it go. I shouldn't have.

This review was supposed to begin with me complaining about how the "Bandwagon Genre" of zombie movies is completely played out, but because they couldn't let dead rapists stay dead. So instead, I'm going to get into the piece of shit wannabe hacks that call themselves directors and writers. Hèctor Hernández Vicens, Mark Tonderai, Lars Jacobson... I hope your careers are over, and I will never watch another thing you write or direct if I can help it.

The worst part is, this shameless hack plot has fuck all to do with Day of the Dead. The original Day of the Dead was about hoping for something beyond survival. It was about exploring humanity. It was the first zombie movie to suggest that humans were actually worse than the flesh eating bitters, and that maybe we deserved the apocalypse.

This movie is about an undead stalker. Surprise, fucking surprise, the only zombie that retained any humanity in the whole fucking apocalypse was the one guy who wanted to rape the female lead. That's what this movie is about—a zombie's sexual ownership over the female main character. I don't care if this movie is supposed to be about the female lead overcoming her sexual assault. I don't care if this is a parable about stalker's undying obsession. That is not the sort of surprise plot you spring on viewers. That's the kind of thing actual survivors need to be aware of BEFORE they start watching the movie, so they can fucking CHOOSE whether or not they're ready to be subjected to that. Enough while not a good movie, was specifically presented with that plot to viewers, because it's the kind of plot viewers should get a choice in preparing themselves for. Otherwise, springing that kind of thing on them is tantamount to sexual assault. Yes, that's correct, I'm suggesting, the writers and directors are guilty of something similar to sexual assault. Do you really think it's okay to give an unsuspecting victim a fucking flashback to their own horrific experiences?

These three hacks should be fucking ashamed of themselves.

And let's explore this fuck witted plot line. So you're telling me, that a virus which turns people into mindless undead cannibals, magically, doesn't work on one guy with toxic sexual obsession over, specifically, the main character? You're telling me, not only does this guy have enough faculties to keep his obsession, but he also has enough faculties, and fucking motor skills, to sneak up on hyper vigilant trained soldiers, and cling on to the bottom of their Humvee?!

Not only, was this plot not acceptable, but the writers and director were desperately reaching to keep it remotely plausible. Here's a fucking clue, if your rape story requires Deus Ex Machina, it's not a story, it's a fucking fantasy. Go write a porno, and leave horror out of it, because that's all this garbage is good for. Some sad mouth breather's rape fantasy.

Speaking of porno... The acting and writing might as well have been good enough for porno. You know, it's so bad, I actually think this was originally intended to be a porno and some desperate studio picked it up to stay on the zombie bandwagon. So here's another fucking hint. If you're shleping money to these pathetic hacks, just to stay on a bandwagon, maybe let the bandwagon roll on without you.

I did not finish this movie. And before you give me a hard time about unfair criticism, I'm going to first explain that this dumpster fire doesn't fucking deserve fair. I was pretty close to not reviewing this trash film at all. But you know what? The above rant about this asinine plot is completely fucking fair, because most people would have shut the movie off in the actual beginning.

While you think of that, think of this. If your movie is so bad, that a critic devoted to watching garbage horror films won't finish it? You need a new career.

I'm officially calling for a boycott. Friends and loyal fans, if a writer or director uses sexual assault as the primary plot device, NEVER see anything they put their griming little paws on EVER again...