Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Vamp' (1986)

Some of you might not be old enough to remember this, but there used to be a network on basic cable called USA. They had a schedule that started sometime after midnight called USA Up All Night. During this period they would play single X pornos that had been edited to just barely skim passed the censors for basic cable. They'd crop scenes to cut out the tiddies, or cut parts of the scene to cut out the tiddies. It was pretty awesome if you were a post-pubescent teen looking for a midnight wank. But you'd also get to see some pretty fun 'so bad it's good' horror that was basically a single X porno. And there was pretty much no other place for young kids to watch this shit because it would otherwise be behind the red curtain at the local video rental (the red curtain was to hide the room with the pornos rentals).

The whole aesthetic of Vamp (1986) is a USA Up All Night softcore porn. It's more than just "So Band It's Good," it's like if National Lampoon did a horror movie. It's silly, even cheeky, and doesn't at all take itself seriously. The best part is Grace Jones. They play the head vampire in a strip club run by vampires. They don't have one damn line in the whole movie. I can just imagine what the director would say to them to get through a scene. "Okay, the other actor is going to say some lines to you, then you just act how you normally would if someone said that to you." This character wasn't made for Grace Jones, this character IS Grace Jones. And they were perfect. There is nobody who could have done such a convincing job as an otherworldy creature like Grace Jones. The acting in this movie isn't even good ( though good enough for horror I'd say), except Grace Jones who is just fucking brilliant.

One thing I have to say, is that this movie was surprisingly boring. I remember it being much more slapstick. It is basically a horror comedy, after all. I don't think I watched a cut version, as I remember renting it from a video store, but I definitely remember the pacing to be a lot better. Sure, stuff is always happening, but it's an awful lot of nothing. It's really hard to get invested into the movie, regardless of how funny it can be at times, because it's just kinda boring.

I sorta think it's important for Hardcore Horror Heads to watch this movie. It's like Once Bitten (1985), or Love at First Bite (1979), in a tradition of vampire horror comedies that really hold their titles as classics in the genre. I mean... it's not good, but I guess it's sorta worth it to watch it just once to see Grace Jones really nail being a vampire queen.

SPOILERS!!!

If everyone at the strip club was a vampire... why wasn't the waitress, and love interest of the main character, Allison? Like... how the fuck does a normal person get a job at a strip club run by vampires and not know they work at a strip club run by vampires. In From Dusk Till Dawn (1996), everybody at the strip club is in on it, because you would literally have to be. So there's just some random, normal person, working the night shift at a strip club where all the dancers are vampires? How does one even get that job?

The ghules running the cub for the vampires are also seriously bad at their jobs. There are multiple times, with ample opportunity, for them to kill the two main characters, or turn them into vampires, and they somehow always seem to fuck it up. And while we're on that note, why the fuck do none of the other vampire strippers kill them?

Also, did they not mean to turn the secondary character into a vampire? They disposed of his body, so were they not expecting him to come back? Come to think of it, how exactly does that shit work? Does it just take getting bitten, because the plucky Asian sidekick somehow manages to get turned and they never really explain how.

I don't know. This movie was not meant to be taken seriously so maybe I'm overthinking it. But do give this a watch, it is technically a classic.