Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'The Thing' (2011)

My fans may remember from an earlier review that I found John Carpenter's The Thing (1982) to be one of the greatest all time classics. So, when I heard they were doing a new movie back in 2011, I fanboyed harder than that socially awkward fellow you always see first in line at Star Wars openings. I fanboyed harder than a basement dwelling, mouth breather, Incel, stalking his favorite porn star. I was the living embodiment of Frye from Futurama's "Shut Up And Take My Money" meme.

I prayed they wouldn't fuck it up, but I didn't care. I NEEDED to see it like a junkie needs a fix. You don't need the context for this review, but if you want to know why I love The Thing so much, you can read the original review at the link provided here.

But you don't need to read that to understand that I've ranked John Carpenter's The Thing (1982) at number two on my list of "all time greatest horror movies." I consider it an absolute must watch, to the point where I might come to your fucking house, staple your eyelids to your fucking forehead, and force you to fucking watch it, if you haven't. *cold dead stare*

So, did the second film stand up to the first? Let's go over a few things... Acting? Check! The cast really needed to drive home that sense of paranoia and isolation, and they did it in spades. Good acting is so desperately needed to sell the kind of tension delivered from the premise. This crew was fantastic!The plot was the same and if you don't know what it is, I challenge your claim to being a horror fan. I will, of course, get to that in the spoilers, but for now, let me explain that it's a straight forward, no nonsense delivery of constant tension and paranoia through the systematic extermination of the characters.

Again, the set is only four rooms and a couple of hallways. It could have been the same damn set from the original, for all the difference it would make. It delivers the same sense of claustrophobia that the original did. The atmosphere only added to the crushing reality for the characters that there's nowhere to run.

Now, this adaptation did catch a lot of heat for leaning less on the practical FX... but so the fuck what? They used practical FX as the base to establish the same feel as the original, and only added CGI when practical FX couldn't be used. That's what you're SUPPOSED to fucking do with CGI.

So, let me explain that the only thing wrong with this movie is that, in a sense, it didn't bring anything new to the table. But it was so damn good, and so true to the format of the original, that it lands number three on my "all time greatest horror movies" list. That's right, this is only second to the original and still better than 99 percent of the horror movies coming out to this day.

It's an absolute must watch, and like the original, you can't call yourself a horror head unless you've seen it.

SPOILERS!!!

I have only one major problem with this movie. The first guy that get's infected. How? At what point was he exposed? Literally the only thing I can come up with is, when he leans against the block of ice that held the Thing at the beginning of the movie. But if that's all it took, wouldn't the chopper pilot also have been infected when he touched the ice? I mean, from that point it's totally fine. Everyone else who winds up infected has the opportunity to contract it, and if you pay close attention, you can pretty much guess who it is in every scene. It's just I can't for the life of me figure out when patient zero got nailed.

I also have a minor complaint about the ending. Sure, it makes sense that it infected Carter as a back up if it needed to, but why didn't Carter just eat Kate the second she had her back turned. It didn't exactly need her. And hell, it straight up hands her the damn flamethrower. For a creature with survival instincts as prominent as this one, that doesn't seem like something it would do.

These complaints pale in comparison to what this movie delivered. In all seriousness, if you haven't seen this movie yet, you must do so and I won't even ruin the slight twist at the end.