Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Salem's Lot' (1979)

Jesus fuck, why the hell was this so scary when we were kids? It's easy to forget the 'Leave It To Beaver' TV acting of the 70s. Mind you, this was considered premo acting back in those days. It's like my review of Suspiria (1977). It doesn't make sense now that acting has evolved and needs to be more genuine. Back in the days, theater acting was considered more appropriate while today it would only seem hammy. That being said, the acting is still good enough for horror, even by today's standards, so fuck it, it's fine.

But even the FX are bad. MY GOD they're bad. You can see the cake makup on the vampires. You can see the wires suspending the actors when they're flying. The fog machine is so overused it's comical. The filters and lighting are non-existant. Why the fuck was this scary to five year old me? Admittedly, I wasn't exactly shaking in my boots, I didn't lose any sleep, but I still found it creepy. Now it's just silly. Honestly, this movie is more riff worthy than creepy. And, indeed, it was a lot of fun to riff it on my most recent watch. So when I recommend this movie, know that I'm only doing so for riffers. I still recommend it. It's like a piece of horror history. There are so many iconic scenes from Salem's Lot that still inspire fear in people today... though likely because they're remembering it the way I did, from a child's perspective.

I also DEFINITELY watched a 'cut for TV' version of this. I remember it being about an hour and forty-five minutes. Not THREE FUCKING HOURS. Holy crap the padding in this movie was mighty. There was a whole plot in the movie that had nothing the fuck to do with the movie. You could cut at least thirty minutes out with just the adulterer and her husband, as they didn't contribute to the plot at all. That and the setup, a whole bunch of unnecessary scenes that aren't really needed to progress the story. Honestly, there was really only about an hour and forty-five of movie in all three hours. I realize it was a made for TV miniseries, but only because of the terrible pacing.

I don't know if you can still find a cut copy of this miniseries, but if you can, watch that instead. I promise you, you will not be missing anything. I still recommend it. Like I said, it's horror history and everyone should watch it at least once, but it's only good for riffing.

~

SPOILERS!!!

Everything that could be cut from this movie...

Half the fucking setup. We only needed to know that the main character is a writer who was interested in the house of Mr. Barlow. The fucking cat and mouse between the main character and Barlow's servant was about twenty fucking minutes you could cut out. Hell, they never needed to interact at all. The servant owns a "needful things" style antique shop, it's not like he was going anywhere.

The RIVETING coffin transport scene, WHERE NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS, could be cut. There's like ten fucking minutes there. Seriously, we maybe needed ONE fucking scene of the box moving on its own and we could have moved the fuck on with our lives

The adulterer and her husband are never even involved in the plot. We could cut out every scene involving them. It's a fucking side story that just happens t. be going on alongside the actual story. It's not even interesting. Literally all three characters could be cut from the movie and you wouldn't lose a goddamn thing.

The exposition with the fucking children was wholly unnecessary. There's another 10 minutes gone. You just need to know that the one kid is a practiced escape artist and move the fuck on. It could have happened in any scene.

There's just a fucking reason why I watched a version of this movie that was only an hour and forty-five minutes. So much of this shit was just padding.

If you can find the cut version, just watch that instead.