Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Piranha 3D (2010)'
Piranhas and Porn Stars
This makes me think I should watch the originals again and review them as well. I loved the Piranha franchise when I was young but to be honest, I don’t much think of it any more. I wonder if it holds up to the test of time like so many other classics I’ve reviewed.
But then I was having a particularly hard time with reviewing this movie. In many ways, Piranha 3D is like Three Headed Shark Attack, except it doesn't get dull at any point. What I mean is, someone set out to make a fun movie, that in all respects is violent, smutty, and silly, and they didn't fuck it up like Three Headed Shark Attack (THSA). Don't get me wrong, THSA was amazing, fun, and silly as shit and totally worth the watch. It just starts to drag at the end a bit. Piranha 3D never drags. It's formulaic like THSA, but it's perfectly formulaic. They never stray form the ultimate goal of gratuitous sex and violence. Like THSA, you can tell the cast is having fun shooting. The blooper reels have got to be amazing.
What was also impressive is the list of celebrities that agreed to be in on this. Elisabeth Shue, Richard Dreyfuss, Ving Rhames, Adam Scott, Christopher Lloyd. Even some of my favorite porn stars like Gianna Michaels.
It was fucking star studded cast as far as horror movies go. Production was oddly top dollar (though simple, so it must have still been comparatively cheap by Hollywood standards). Acting was unsurprisingly over the top, but actually quite good, all things considered. The plot couldn't have been simpler, story no easier to follow. The script must have written itself. Something to the effect of "Titties, titties, titties, Piranhas eat some people... Titties, titties, titties, Piranhas eat more people." Perfect.
Yeah, it's a smut film but it has fun...AND SOMETIMES THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS! Look, if nothing about that sounded appealing, kindly fuck right the hell off. You won't like the movie, so don't watch it. But if you think that sounds like fun, or that riffing it sounds like fun, then you will love this. I promise!
So this movie is, of course, going to end with a shameless plug for the next one Piranha 3DD. Which, of fucking course, I now have to watch. But by the time I rolled around to watching this remake of the 70s classic, it was seven years later and Piranha 3DD was already five-years-old. But I knew what I was getting into and I was expecting a plug for the next movie from watching the first.
That's the nature of any franchise. Run them into the ground with as many sequels as humanly possible. Then start remaking them and start running the remakes into the ground with as many sequels as possible. It's an unavoidable trap that gave us Hellraiser Inferno, and the Nightmare on Elm Street, remake that bombed so bad even I haven't bothered reviewing it. Me, the guy that reviews horror movies so obscure you won't even find them in a Walmart DVD bargain bin.
I am kinda shocked that they killed off Ving Rhames' character. Only central black actor and they have to go and kill him off. At least it wasn't Black Guy Dies First and honestly, almost the whole cast dies by the end. I was just surprised that they would have killed off one of their few A-listers.
In short, totally fucking worth it! Do watch this! And if you read this review and decided this movie might offend you...good!