Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Hellraiser: Revelations' (2011)
Just let the franchise die already...
Okay, I knew this was going to be bad. I was actually expecting it to be so bad that I even enjoyed watching it. Not because it was a good-bad movie (it was just flat out bad), but because I knew what I was getting myself into and basically took it for what it was. It was like watching a video loop on 4Chan. How long can you hold out before the brain damage sets in? I'm not proud of myself, but I managed to watch the whole movie. That's why I'm here people, I take the steaming hot shit bath so you don't have to.
And dear god, this was a real steamer. The acting was so bad, I was half convinced I was watching a porno. I kept expecting the sex to start and at least give me something to fap to. Honestly, if this was a porno, I still don't think it'd be any good. So that's what this movie was. A "USA Up All Night" skin flick with the porn scenes cut out. Fuck, I think I just dated myself... Does the USA channel even still exist? (Okay, real quick. USA Up All Night use to show single X titty movies with the TnA cut out. Remember, the internet as we know it has only existed since the late '90s so I needed something to fap to.)
Any-fucking-who, I can safely assure even die hard fans of the franchise that they can skip this shit show. I appreciate the fact that they were trying to get back to the roots of the franchise, but the acting was SO BAD. The actor they picked for Pinhead looked like the little cibi bobble head I used to own when I was 12. This movie isn't just skipable, it's outright forgettable. Fuck mate, it's down right insulting to lovers of the franchise. Look, I know you gotta make a movie or you lose the rights to Hellraiser. That is, after all, why we've had three awful Fantastic 4 movies. But it gets to a point where it comes down to 'put up or shut up.' If you just don't have the will to make the movie, give someone who does a fucking chance.
We couldn't have two privileged, white, frat bros, go to Mexico without half a dozen donkey show jokes. And of course, you know at some point when they're down there, they're gonna end up killing a hooker. They certainly didn't miss a beat on that mark. So then what happens? They basically go on a hooker killing rampage. Really, this movie was more about killing Mexican prostitutes than it was about the box. I mean, sure, I get the fact that the reason they started killing hookers was because they needed blood sacrifice to get one of them out of hell (at least they stuck to cannon?), but for fuck sake, if two dudes start greasing night walkers you figure SOMEONE will notice. Maybe their pimp? A dirty cop? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? Whatever...
What was really funny was there's one scene where one said privileged white brat's father gets sliced up on the face. He then dies not even 30 seconds later... from getting cut on the face. Yeah, I mean his face got really mangled and you can hypothetically die of shock but I'd like to believe he died from the terrible acting. Not even two minutes later and the other father of said privileged white brats takes a gunshot wound to the stomach and then lives for the final 10 minutes of the movie. So one guy gets his faced sliced up; dies. Another guy gets shot, by a shot gun, at close range; lives. Wut?
Yeah, so, to ruin the ending (as if it needed any help), the one privileged white brat who comes back turns out to be the other one who was dragged off by Pinhead, just wearing his buddy's skin. Now, if you ever saw the originals, this should have come as no surprise. But this half-assed wannabe twist wasn't the worst part. The worst part was the five minute emo rant the little prick goes on. This movie is guilty of one of my biggest movie sins. Making you hate the victims. MY GOD, I could have given a fuck about any of these prattling twats by the end of the movie. So there they are, Pinhead is summoned once again, and I'm like "THANK FUCKING GOD! Now just drag the lot of them off to hell and get this over with." NOPE! The whiny little rich kid gets spared by a mercy killing. Dad finally dies of his gun shot wound, mom is dragged off in her son's place, and the other mom is just killed for being annoying. The daughter? Well shit, Pinhead's all like "Meh, we know you'll be back." And that's it. That's the ending. That's the final fart following this mess of diarrhea.
But anyway. Make it into a porno and it might be fun.