Peer Pressuring My Dog Into Wearing a Halloween Costume

"Hey, Willow," I say. "Guess what time of year it is."

Treats? Willow asks.

"Yes, close enough. Trick-or-treat time. Halloween, that is! Want to dress up in a costume?"

Oh no.

My dog definitely does not want to get dressed up for Halloween. She thinks it's lame.

"Lame?" I object. "No way. All the coolest pets are dressing up for Halloween."

Really? Like who?

"Well, like your friend Bubs. He looks awesome as a bat, doesn't he?"

Willow rolls her eyes at me. First of all, Bubs is tiny dog. I big dog. Is not same. Tiny dog can do such things without embarrassment. For big dog like me, this end of social life forever.

"Oh yeah? Then how do you explain Kween here, dressed up like a mermaid? She's respected royalty in the neighborhood, and she's a big dog, isn't she?"

Not as big of dog as she was before putting on ridiculous getup. You'll have to do better than that to convince me.

Willow is nothing if not stubborn, but I'm nothing if not persistent.

"Okay," I say. "What about Toby here? Toby has tons of pride. And doesn't he look great as a dragon? What could be prouder than a dragon?"

What could be prouder than dragon? Willow mocked. Oh, I don't know. Maybe dog, left to own devices, not forced into silly shiny suit. That pretty proud, if you ask me.

"Fine," I said, sighing. "But you do like to be cute, don't you? Have you ever seen a creature as cute as Teddy dressed like a little lion?"

Ma'am, I know Teddy. Teddy is good dog. And I sure that if Teddy's eyes were not blocked by costume, and he saw himself in mirror, he'd be horrified.

"Desirae says he didn't mind!" I object.

In that case, either Desirae lies, or you do.

"Wow, Willow," I say, feeling somewhat hurt. "You sure are headstrong. But I'll prove to you that wearing a costume can be a source of great confidence and delight for a dog. Check out this wonder of a dog woman."

Willow cocks her head to one side, considering it. Is she changing her mind?

I do like Wonder Woman, she good superhero, so strong, very good at using leash as lasso.

"See?" I say. "Costumes are cool."

Wouldn't go that far. But I listening.

"All I can ask is for you to keep an open mind."

Fine, but I take shot of whiskey first.

"You could be a shark. Look, dogs and cats alike enjoy dressing up as sharks. I've seen both Serena and Fumbles dressed that way. You too can join their Sharknado."

Really? Serena, who dressed as Wonder Woman, also dressed as shark? Pics or didn't happen.

"As a matter of fact, her mother happens to have given me this pic right here."

Is blocking Serena ears. Not cool, humans, not cool. Look at expression in eyes. She not happy. Bad for dog, probably bad for cat too. No way proud cat really let human do this to him.

"Wanna bet? Fumbles here was super pumped to be a shark. Look."

Fumbles not look pumped. Look ashamed. Shark is out. Shark, canceled. I not be shark.

"Alright, no shark costume, then. What costumes are you willing to try?"

I can see that Willow giving it serious thought. After a long while, she finally says, I have two suggestions.

"I'm all ears," I reply.

Okay, first idea? I be lazy work-from-home dog. Not get dressed proper. Stay in big t-shirt and boxer shorts all day. Like you humans.

"Hmm," I say. "I'm not sure that counts as a costume, but..." Inside, I remind myself that this is progress. She's willing to try wearing clothes! I dig out the grossest, most touristy t-shirt I've got and a pair of boxers, and I dress her up.

My dog takes one quick look at herself in the mirror before declaring, This travesty. Very embarrass. No like.

I take the offending clothing off of her again. "Okay, not that, then. What was your other suggestion?"

Well, is Halloween, right?

"Yes, Halloween," I reaffirm.

And Halloween meant to scare?

"That's right. It's a great time for a frightening costume."

Okay, then I be Jason. Friday 13th? Ever see film? Is scary. I wear mask only. Not block ears. Be scary Halloween dog.

"Well, what do you think?" I ask Willow. "Have you changed your mind about costumes now?"

Willow keeps peering at herself in the mirror.

I answer you on Saturday 14th, after I done slashing up Camp Crystal Lake.

Happy Halloween to you and yours, from myself and Jason—I mean Willow—the dog.