Parallels

The mirror showed a reflection that wasn’t my own. The resemblance is striking, but there’s something about her, something so uniquely beautiful. She looks like someone that could charm you without trying, someone who takes over any room she walks into. For a moment I could feel her looking at me, but my eyes met the same glass I was trying to hang. No breathtaking woman on the other side, just me.

Focus Bella focus, you’re letting your thoughts get the better of you again. You have one job, hanging the mirror. I saw it out the window just sitting on a lawn, waiting to be thrown away. I couldn’t let something like that go to waste. Looking at it now I know I made the right choice; the way the bronze bounces off the sunlight; the intricate roses detailing the side. The worn wood is soft in my hands, it’ll be a perfect addition to the bedroom. If I can’t leave it’ll at least be something new.

Zack didn’t want me to pick up the mirror alone, worried that I would cheat on him while I was gone. He always seems to be convinced that I’m doing something wrong. I’m honestly lucky that he picked it up for me though, I should thank him again for making it so I don’t have to go outside. He truly loves me. Besides, why would I cheat on him? With those eyes and that perfect sly smile, the way his brownish blonde hair sweeps to the side, I can’t compare to that.

I hear his footsteps echoing up the stairs, his hand sliding on the railing. I push down the fear and try to hold my hands to stop the shaking, I don’t want him to see that again. The door swings open, hitting the wall behind it with a loud bang.

“Baby! How was your day?”

I got a grunt in return. He turned and his dark green eyes held mine briefly, before catching the mirror on the wall.

His body tensed, a flash of anger, and before I could take a step back his hand wrapped around my throat. The cold feel of the wall tingled through me, my feet desperately trying to touch the ground.

“I can’t trust you to do anything right, can I? You had one job today, and you couldn’t handle that? It looks like shit. Try again.” His hand slipped from my throat and my body fell to the floor like it was made of bricks.

Maybe if I hold my hand out to him, he’ll help me up. Everything is spinning. I look up at him as he walks away, but he’s gone before I can apologize. Maybe he’s right, I should have done a better job. I want to stand, to fix it, but everything is heavy.

“I can do this, I can do this, I can do this,” my voice sounds cracked, and my throat feels like lead, but I have to get up; you would think I know how to handle this by now. I push my hand against the wall and let it support me till I’m up on my feet, a smile escaping my lips once I’m steady.

As I reach my hand out to move the mirror, I can’t help but notice the glass is… shimmering? Stepping closer I let my fingers trail the rose and I see her again. A scream escapes my throat, god I’m really losing it today.

I want to look away, but something about her is so enticing. She’s not menacing or scary, if anything, she looks happy, carefree. I watch what feels like a scene from an old romantic movie; her brushing her long auburn hair, applying eyeliner to accentuate her already gorgeous brown eyes, her heart-shaped face drawn into a laugh. As she’s laughing a man comes up behind her and looks at her like she is the most amazing thing he’s ever seen and asks her to dance.

He holds out his hand and she holds it gently, and I watch as they spin and her dress spins with them. I feel like I’m intruding, but every part of me needs to know how this ends. Their dance continues, and as I watch her dress wrap around her like it was simply made for this, he dips her, and they share the kind of kiss that I’ve only dreamt about.

I want to talk to her, but she’s gone too. The shimmering glass fades and is replaced with the candid version of myself that I keep trying to run away from. It can’t be real, I know that. Mirrors don’t show you other people’s lives, but I can see my dreams in this. I see everything I ever wanted to have with Zack, the moments that will never exist.

I have her hair, I have her eyes, I have her face but… when I look at my reflection, I don’t see flowing curls. I see a matted mess that hasn’t been brushed in weeks. My eyes have bags that no amount of makeup can seem to cover. It doesn’t help that the bruises are happening more often lately, I can already see new ones forming on my throat.

No no no, let those thoughts go Bella. Your family was wrong, your friends are wrong, Zack is good, this is going to get better. You’re letting your delusions get to you.

Slowly I walk down the stairs, it’s best to have dinner ready to avoid any further fights today. As I’m preparing the water, Zack's voice echoes down the hall.

“Bella? I’m sorry, you know I never meant to hurt you. Please forgive me.” His normally stern voice was soft, sweet, the warmth of it overpowering.

He rounds the corner holding the most beautiful bouquet of flowers, a sheepish smile on his face that he knows I can’t say no to. He steps closer and the sweet smell of the flowers wrapped around me, his hands holding mine.

“I promise it’s the last time,” he whispers it, but I believe him all the same.

“Of course I forgive you; it was my fault. I should have done a better job and I promise I’ll ask your opinion next time,” the excitement runs through me, but it’s tainted with something. It’s probably not important.

I grab the flowers and put them in a vase, placing it next to the others. I’m starting to run out of vases, and room. That’s okay, you can never have too many flowers. I bet the woman in the mirror doesn’t have this problem, I bet he never buys her this many gifts.

Zack stops at the stairwell, “by the way, can you have dinner ready earlier next time? I’d hate to have my anger get the best of me again.” A smile on his face, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Days go by, weeks maybe? Time doesn’t really mean anything when your entire existence is a 2400-foot square space. It doesn’t help that I’ve been feeling off lately. Throwing up in the morning, having trouble eating, and don’t even get me started on that god-awful flower smell. I used to love it but now I can’t walk within five feet of it in fear of hurling what little I can hold down onto the floor.

The mirror is shimmering again, I’ve been trying to ignore it. Every time I look at it something strange happens. The woman’s gaze is getting more intense, it’s almost as if she’s trying to tell me something. The last time I fell to its charms I watched her and that man, eating dinner together, laughing, giggling, and something else in the background that I couldn’t quite place.

After that, I tried to eat dinner with Zack, but it didn’t go well. He likes his space, his privacy, I really can’t keep forgetting these things. I know he didn’t mean to, but I still can’t move my wrist without that sharp pain reminding me not to trust whatever delusions I’m letting myself fall into.

He helped me move the mirror, I couldn’t lift it with my stupid wrist, now it’s on the wall by the bottom of the stairs. He’s right, it does look better there.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Okay, something is definitely wrong; I’m gaining weight but I’m barely eating. My emotions have been everywhere, and that goddamn woman is haunting me. I don’t think she’s just in the mirror anymore, she’s in my head. I see her smile around every corner, I feel like I’m falling into a well with no rope.

I want to tell Zack, but it’s not the right time. My job is to make him happy, not give him more reasons to be stressed. He has every right to look at me the way he does, I am a sliver of what he deserves.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I had a dream about her yesterday, or what felt like a dream at least. I was holding the mirror for some reason; I can’t remember why. Where normally the woman looked happy, at peace, today she was sad. Her head in her hands and her sobs wracking the room, her hair clinging to her skin. I wanted to reach out and hug her, tell her that everything is going to be okay. I wanted to whisk her away from whatever was pulling her down, but if we’re being honest maybe that’s just me wanting to escape. Do you think she questions her life too?

Could there really be better than this?

The man walks in and rushes to her side, dropping his jacket in the process. He kneels next to her and gently grabs her hand.

I can see that they’re talking but their words are muffled, but it's clear that this man would never hurt her. Even when she inconveniences him, he treats her like she’s done nothing wrong. He holds her until she stops crying and I watch as she lays her head in his lap. It’s quiet, they’re not talking anymore, but their eyes are saying more than words ever could.

Is this what love is? Is this what it’s supposed to look like?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

He brought me flowers home again today. I was careless and broke a dish while cleaning and you know, natural consequences. I refuse to look in a mirror, any mirror, but especially that one. I can’t see her happy right now. It makes me love him less, and without him I’m nothing.

I also don’t want to know what I look like. I know there’s a bruise somewhere, everywhere, but what’s the point in fixing it? He wasn’t always like this; I’m beginning to think I’m the one that made him this way.

I can do better, I can fix this, I can fix all of it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Today I’m going to tell him, I think he’ll be happy. I haven’t taken a test, but I just know. I can’t believe we made a baby, a beautiful, amazing boy or girl that’s going to take on the world. I haven’t felt happiness like this in… months. More than happiness, hope. I even went outside and picked a flower from the garden, just to show him how ready I am for this.

Oh Zack, we’re going to be the best parents, I just know it. I’ll sing them to sleep every night and make sure they know how much we love them. I’ll take them to the park and listen to them say “one more time” seven million times and I swear I’ll never get tired of it. I’ll play peek-a-boo with them until they’re tired of playing with me. We’ll give them the things we never had, the things I never had. They’ll be loved unconditionally, and every hug, every hand hold, every word they speak will be the greatest joy I could ever ask for. No one can take this away from me, from us, not even the shadow of her behind me.

I’m waiting at the top of the steps, flower in hand, I thought it could be a cute grand gesture sort of deal. The front door opens, and I can’t even stay still, I’m so excited. His eyes lock onto mine and I feel the smile flood my face. I hold out the flower and wait until he’s close enough to touch it.

“I have a surprise for you,” my voice is small, but I know he heard.

“What is this you’re on about? I have work to do, please get out of my way,” he gruffly replies.

“I’m pregnant, well at least I think I am. I’m pretty sure I am, I might be rambling,” the excitement is getting the best of me.

I watch as the light goes out of his eyes and is replaced with what can only be described as pure hatred. A wave of anger that I’ve never seen. I don’t get the chance to move before his hand wraps around my neck and my feet are lifted off the ground.

“How could you be so careless?” He practically spits them at me.

“I…can’t….breathe..”

The world is spinning again, getting darker.

I look at Zack for what feels like the last time and know that this is the end for me. With one fluid motion, he throws my body down the stairs.

I cry out but it can’t save me. I roll down and feel the thud of the hardwood floor beneath me. Everything hurts, everything feels broken. My baby, my baby, my baby. Please.

I see the mirror, in it stands the woman, the man, and someone new. A little boy, he’s giggling as the pair look at him like he is the only thing that matters. I reach my hand out with what strength I have left and the flower falls out. Its petals crushed and color muted.

You deserved a chance to live, we both did.

I’m so sorry that I couldn’t save you.