No Change to Spare

No Change to Spare

“From what I remember of that night I took a cab home from LAX. It was a Tuesday.” I admitted. I continued to confess about the events of that day, of that night. It felt like it happened in another life and in another time. Sitting there for hours I poured over every detail in my head before letting it spill out of my mouth. I had the cabby drop me off around the corner from my apartment. I don’t know why but it’s something I always do. The weather was nice that night, cool and breezy. Maybe that’s why I liked to be dropped off a few doors away. I was only about a hundred yards from my front door when Casey surprised me from the shadows. For a twenty-six-year-old she dressed like a teenager but if anyone could pull it off it was her. She donned short shorts, a pair of white mismatched knee-high socks, one with two red stripes at the top and the other with one blue stripe. Some obscure band t-shirt that no one but her has ever heard of. The truth is, and she would fiercely deny this, she never really listened to them either. She cruised by on her roller skates, never roller-blades, always roller-skates, spinning around me making me dizzy. I tried to play it off as if she didn’t scare me but she knew that she had. And she knew that I knew that she knew. It was frustrating.

“Hiiii Charlie. How was your flight?”

“Hi Casey. You know pretty much as expected.”

“I scared you, didn’t I?”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did, but that’s okay I won’t tell. Hey Cam and I are coming over tonight.”

“Oh, is that so?”

“He’s bringing some beer. You have food and shit?”

“Can we do it another night?” As we chatted, she continued to skate around me; a randomness in her movements began to make me nauseous.

“Come on. Don’t be a fucking dick Charlie.”

“Fine. I think I have some crackers.”

“Give me some cash and I’ll get stuff.”

I enjoy Casey’s company but she’s a freeloader. I don’t think she’s ever held a real job in her life but who knows. I reached into my pocket and handed her twenty bucks.

“Change this time. Please.”

“Sure. I’ll see you up there.”

She took off with my money and I knew full well I wouldn’t see any back. I think she keeps my change for drugs or maybe for her surgery. I do enjoy her company though she can quickly wear you down.

The quiet of my apartment is one of my favorite things. There’s a peace among the calm of loneliness that I never take for granted anymore, specifically that moment when you get home from a long day. I once had a roommate, after a short time I found myself the happiest when I had the place all to myself. I grew up in a fairly large family always having to share everything. A room, clothes, food, fun, affection so nothing was ever just mine. I sound selfish but it’s just the reality of it, and what’s wrong with wanting peace and quiet.

I laid down on my bed; legs flopped over the end with my clothes still on including my tattered leather jacket. Lying there staring up at the ceiling in the solace of the moment I couldn’t help wonder what I’m actually doing with my life. Before I could dive deeper into the contemplation, it became muffled by the ringing in my ears. It’s deafening, my tinnitus was always the worst after flying. I assume the change in pressure was often the cause. It gets worse each time I fly and I’ve been flying a lot lately. It’s become so familiar to me that the ringing almost lulled me to sleep while I lay there. I wanted to get out of my filthy clothes but when I got up to shower there was a knock at the door. I took my time but when I opened it no one was there. Another knock, I then realized that it was coming from the kitchen. Of course, it was Casey at the window again.

“How is this easier?” I asked her

“Fun is better than easy old man.” That’s the answer I expected from her. “Cam should be here in a few.” She tells me

“Door or window?”

“Does it really matter?”

“Any change?”

“Oh sorry… no.”

“You got two bags of chips. How is that twenty dollars?

“I also got dip.”

“Whatever.”

“I’m putting on some music okay?” She asks

“Yeah, just not too loud… I’m getting in the shower. I’ll be out in a few. Let Cam in when he gets here.”

There are very few feelings that can be categorized as ‘the best’. One being sex, more specifically an orgasm. Another is the first night sleep in your own bed after being away for a while. But one that is hard to trump is a hot shower after a long flight. I equate it to the feeling when Pinocchio finally becomes a real boy. Transforming you from the cantankerous traveler back into a tolerable human being once more. While taking my time converting back into a real boy, I heard Cameron come in. It sounded like he used the door but who knows and Casey was right, it really didn’t matter? I laid back down on my bed wrapped in my towel. I took a final moment of peace before heading out into the chaos. Without fail my moment was interrupted by none other than the queen herself.

“Ooh la la Mr. Ellis. Let me have a lookie look.”

“Get out Casey. Can’t you let me be for a few... please?”

“Oh, come on. It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”

“Yeah, well that was then. This is now… get out.”

“You’re such a prude.”

“What do you want?”

“Just checking if you’ve got anything to smoke?”

“Jesus Casey.”

“What? What did I do now?”

“Nothing. Forget it. I’ll bring it out in a few.”

She turns to leave but can’t help herself, “Just one little peak?”

“If it will get you out of here.” I open my towel and she lets out an immature screech. “Satisfied?” I ask

“For now.” She giggles some more, “Maybe a second showing later?”

“Get out.”

I wrapped the towel back around me and pushed her out so I could get dressed. When I emerged from the bedroom the music was blaring and they had already made a mess with the chips and dip.

“Did you pick anything up while you were away?” Cam asks

“Yeah, I did.”

“Going to share?”

“Fucking hell. You two really are the worst.”

“Cam watch out, Charlie boy is in a mood tonight.” Casey says

“What are you talking about? I brought some beer.” Cam defends

“You brought A six pack. All night, two beers each?”

“What the fuck is up your ass bro?” Cam asks

“Nothing man. I’m just beat that’s all. It’s fine. Here roll one up.” I throw a bag of weed on the table waiting to forget about, well… everything.

“Nice brother man. This is going to be dooooope.”

“Let me roll it. You guys suck at it. All loose and shit.”

“Fuck you Casey. I’ve been rolling joints since before your time.” Cam attempts to put her in her place.

“Cam you’re like two years older than me so fuck off and let me work my magic.”

“Someone just roll a fucking joint so I can get high already.” I bark at them

We sat there drinking and smoking for hours that night. Casey was telling us some more of her crazy stories. I’m pretty sure she’s made up most of them to impress anyone that will listen to her, but I think when we are together, she gets worse. I can’t tell if it’s some false sense of security or if she acts like that no matter who is around. Or, maybe we just enable her. If she could just keep her mouth closed, she would avoid a lot of these problems. But who am I to judge anyone? Lord knows I’ve had my fair share of stupidity, typically induced by some sort of substance abuse. Even at my age, I find myself letting go once in a while if only to have some story to tell later on in life. Making a living is mundane enough that I don’t need every other moment in my life to be the same. Every now and again I will steal something from some crappy store: cheap thrills. I guess no one ever suspects me since I never get caught. Not even a curious look in my direction. It’s an odd feeling but it lights up my nerves and my endorphins go into overdrive.

Casey keeps going on and on about the time she lived with her mother in Seattle. She’s someone who has the ability to speak without seeming to ever take a breath. The words spew out of her mouth with so little effort.

“So, my father had enough of me this one summer and he sent me to live with my whore mother. My dad kicked her out a few years before this because she was fucking some druggie kid. That ended quickly though after she realized that the motel where they were staying was actually where he lived. She got her a new guy just as quick as she left the last one. He at least was a little more stable, a fucking asshole but stable-ish. I knew this was going to end badly and I knew it was going to be my doing so I figured might as well lean into it. At first everything was chill, her boyfriend tried to win me over with gifts and crap. My mom seemed happy and I started to get why. At one point I did actually want it all to work out for her. It was nice seeing her happy for once. But it was short lived. After a few weeks her man got sick of me and my shit and tried to kick me out. The dumbass did this the day before they were going on vacation for a week. So, I agreed and crashed at a friend’s house until they got back. The day after they left, I threw a huge fucking rager. By morning when people finally started to leave, I told everyone to take whatever they fucking wanted. Furniture, clothes, electronics, pots fucking pans, glasses, everything. The fucking bastard’s house was empty by the time the party was over. I went to my fathers and waited for the explosion to detonate. Of course, they are morons and thought that they were robbed but they eventually figured it out after talking to some of the neighbors.”

“What did they do to you when they found out it was you?”

“He beat my ass bloody. Put me in the hospital. My mom left him but blamed me for it. Still does.”

“What did your father do?”

“Nothing, he’s a pussy. He denies it but I he told me that I deserved it… The thing that none of them know… is that I fucked that asshole right before he kicked me out. He came into my room one afternoon while my mom was out. I was in the middle of getting dressed. I guess he liked little boys and I guess he knew I had a thing for older men. But he hated his temptation and hated me even more for inducing it. Fucking asshole.”

“You never told your mom?” Cam asks

“Nah. She would just blame me for it anyway. She hates that I’m trans and she doesn’t get it. She still refers to me as a guy most of the time no matter how many times I tell her. At least my dad in his own fucked up ways has accepted it. He’s even bought me clothes. I burned them all because they are hideous but still it’s the gesture. Right?”

“You should have told someone, you could have gone to the police and put this fucker away.”

“What good would that have done? Yeah, I might have been a minor but I knew what I was doing. It’s not like he forced himself on me. I wanted it too. He’s a prick because he couldn’t handle his own vices. He’ll figure it out one of these days.”

“Fucking hell. This is why I never want to have kids.” I admit

“Why because you think they will grow up to be some little sexual freaks like us and fuck old nasty men?” Casey questions me

“Well… Yeah… I just don’t want to be the one responsible for protecting them. I can hardly protect myself.”

“I’ll protect you buddy.” Cam tells me

“No that’s okay. I don’t need your help.” Cam gets up and tries to give me a big hug but he sort of tripped and plopped down on top of me while I was sitting in my recliner. We both grunted in pain and I tried to get out of this now awkward position.

“Oh, come on Cam! Get your fat ass off of me. You’re crushing my fucking balls.”

Cam couldn’t help laughing and it crippled him to the point that he couldn’t get up off me. I kept yelling at him to move but he just sat there like a bloated beached whale.

“Casey, will you help him get off of me? I can hardly breathe under here.”

“Nope… I’m staying away from the freaky orgy you have going on.”

This just made Cam laugh even harder and made me even more annoyed. I finally gave in and joined the laughing fit.

“Okay, okay. Get the fuck off.” I was finally able to wiggle my way into a position to push him off. Cam fell to the floor still raucously laughing rolling around like a fool.

“Fucking boys I swear.” Casey blurts out

“So, you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a boy? So quickly?” I foolishly say

“You’re an idiot Charlie. Go fuck yourself.” Casey says sharply. She picked up an empty beer bottle and threw it in my direction, hitting the side of my head.

“What the fuck Casey!” I yelled

“Fuck you! You’re a fucking piece of shit for saying that.”

“Fuck you Casey. You can’t take a fucking joke? You have no problem dishing it out but god forbid anyone pushes back.” Casey knew I was right and sat back down in her seat pouting.

Cam now on all fours with his ass half hanging out of his pants; he caught his breath and started to stand up.

“Looks like someone enjoyed himself in that tickle fight?” Casey said as she nodded to Cam’s crotch.

“It wasn’t a tickle fight.” I reprimand her. I looked over and it was obvious that Cam had become aroused to say the least. “Damn kid. Packing some heat in there?”

“You bet your ass I am. I bet I’d put you to shame.” He challenged

“I don’t know. He does alright with what he’s got.” Casey blurted out

“She’s seen yours?” Cam said surprisingly

“No, she hasn’t. She’s just telling stories again.” I assured him. Casey let out a laugh that had a bit of sarcasm behind it suggesting otherwise, which she’s more than seen.

“She has, hasn’t she?” Cam getting upset

“I just saw it a few moments ago Cam. Mr. Charlie here dropped his towel for me.”

“Is she lying?” Cam began to interrogate me

“Jesus fuck Casey. Why would you stir this hornets’ nest?” I snapped at her. “Yes Cam, I dropped my towel for her. She was pestering me and it was the only way to get her out of my bedroom.”

“Do you want to see mine, Casey?” Cam asked her

“Cam you can always show me your dick.”

“Really?” Cam started to unbutton his pants and his erection was getting even bigger.

“You can but that doesn’t mean I’ll look.” Casey loves teasing whoever will let her. And Cam let’s her do it all the time to no avail. Cam stopped before he unzipped.

“You know Casey you’re such a fucking asshole.” Cam walked away toward the bathroom.

“You want to show me that too Cam?” Casey pushing it even more. Cam ignored her as he closed the bathroom door.

“Why would you do that Casey? You know he has a thing for you. Practically every time we get high or drunk, he comes on to you.”

“It’s fun. I was amused.” She confessed

“You know what you need to do now?” I ask her

“I’m not doing that.”

“Why? He would love it.”

“That’s the problem. He will love it and then fall in love with me and that’s the last fucking thing I want.”

“He is probably already in love with you.” As I sat back in my chair, I closed my eyes sinking into the high as it washed over me.

“You know he’s in there jerking off right?” Casey said continuing to make the evening more and more uncomfortable.

“I really don’t give a fuck what he’s doing in there. I hope he is. Maybe he will be in a better mood when he gets out.” She let out a laugh before taking another hit. She slumped back into the couch, finally dulling the edge.

“Was it true?” I asked her

“Was what true?”

“The story you just told?”

“Every word of it, unfortunately. Sometimes I ask myself why I make the choices I do.”

“What’s your answer?”

“I don’t know. Maybe it’s because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be seen. I don’t exist unless I’m creating something.”

“Why does it always have to be chaos?”

“It’s honest.”

“I think it’s the opposite of doing something that’s honest.”

“Why isn’t it honest? I didn’t lie, I didn’t cheat, all I did was give permission. But it’s more about their reactions; they can’t hide behind anything. They have to tell the truth. They can’t help themselves. Take Cam for instance, if I didn’t push him like I do he would have never asked to hook up with me even though it’s obvious. He couldn’t hide behind himself any longer and had to admit it.”

“You’re fucked up Casey.”

“I’m well aware of that Mr. Ellis.

Cam finally comes out of the bathroom and sits down next to Casey with a defeated look. For the first time that night I finally felt at peace. No words, no unwanted chatter, just peace. The ringing in my ears came back almost like a warning.

“You two hungry?”

“Always.” Answered Cam

“I would eat something.” I got up in search of my wallet, pulled out some cash and sent Casey out to scrounge up some food. She went out the way she entered, through the window and down the fire escape. I sat back down to indulge in the quiet. I heard Casey hit the ground in her skates. Another noise perked my ears to attention. I felt too relaxed to care but the nagging urge to check and make sure everything was okay suddenly became too much to ignore. So I followed my instinct and approached the window. I saw her talking to someone on the far corner of the street. A young man, probably in his 20’s, long hair, tattoos. In that moment it seemed as though she was speaking to someone she knew. She had this nonchalant way of caring just enough but not too much about what is being said. I was about to duck back in but something kept me there. It was like something not yet detectable but automatic inside my fuzzy little brain knew something the rest of me hadn’t yet concluded. She went to roll away but the man grabbed her arm and pulled her close. I knew she could handle herself in most situations but I couldn’t help feeling that this wasn’t one of those times.

“Cam.” I call out attempting to get his attention but he’s motionless, useless as a lump. “Cam!” I yell this time.

“What?! I’m trying to enjoy this high, leave me alone.”

The man let go of Casey but the intensity of their interaction had risen to another level.

“Cam get your ass over here now.” Cam finally gets up and saunters over.

“What the fuck do you want?”

“Just look. Something is going on with Casey.”

“She probably just made some stupid comment to that guy and now he’s pissed off. She’ll talk her way out of it. Most likely she will wind up giving the guy a BJ to settle things.”

“I don’t think it’s quite like that. I’m going out there.” As I swung my legs out the window, pushing the rest of my tired body out I still kept an eye on the action. Just as both my feet were stable on the fire escape the man hit Casey in the face and she dropped to the ground.

“Cam, come on!” I moved as fast as I could down the ladder. I looked over as a van pulled up and three more guys jumped out. Casey was still on the ground holding her bloody face. I heard Cam above following me down. She was surrounded by four men, the one that hit her grabbed the back of her hair pulling her head back so she was looking up at him. My feet hit the ground and I began to run but the rest of my body couldn’t keep up. It felt as though my limbs were weighted with sandbags. I stumbled to the ground with my hands out front catching my fall. I gained my balance and took off after her. Again, I heard Cam just a few paces behind. The man pulled Casey to her feet as she fitfully torqued and twisted her body fighting to get free. He grabbed her across the chest from behind and threw her into the van. She fought back again but he punched her in the face appearing to have knocked her unconscious.

“Casey!” I yelled turning their attention to us as we came upon them. Two of the guys turned around instantly restraining me, so I couldn’t advance closer. The third guy does the same to Cam with a little more difficulty, as Cam had a few pounds on him. I pushed and thrashed trying to free myself but one guy punched me in the stomach and I went down. The guy with the long hair got into the driver’s seat with her in the back and drove off.

Cam fought back better than I, causing some damage to his assailant. One of my guys pushed me to the ground and jumped on top of me. All I could do was block his hits with my arms protecting my face. The blows to my ribs and stomach were excruciating. I noticed Cam hit his guy giving him a split second for an offensive move. Taking advantage of the opportunity he tackled the guy beating up on me. The second guy jumped on Cam punching the back of his head. I jumped up and hit his temple, knocking him out. The third tackled me to the ground with his arms wrapped around me like a bear. The guy Cam was wrestling broke free from his grip. He was able to get to his feet and began to kick Cam in the stomach. I couldn’t see him anymore but I heard Cam whimper and shriek in pain. Suddenly the sounds stopped, but the blows kept coming and coming. I kept fighting to break the guy’s hold on me but I could feel my strength turning quickly to weakness. He rolled me over onto my front, pinning my face to the ground.

“Stop fighting. It’s over.” He whispers in my ear

“Get the fuck off of me!” I yelled back at him, “Cam… Cam… get up!” I yelled but there was no answer back. He finally stopped kicking Cam. I felt the guy holding me loosen his grip and I popped out of his arms in a fury. I jumped to my feet pushing away from him. I turned around to see Cam’s lifeless body covered in blood lying limp on the pavement.

“What they fuck did you do!” I screamed and ran at the guy that dealt Cam his fatal blows. The one that held me stopped me. He pushed me back several feet but I came at him again. He stopped me again. I swung vigorously at his head but he blocked it easily. Blood, tears, sweat, spit covered my face as I tried again to fight back.

“What the fuck are you doing?” I screamed again. They just stood there catching their breath but still holding their ground.

“Where is she? Where did he take her?”

“Your little freaky whore friend is getting what she deserves. She should have kept her mouth shut but she couldn’t help herself.” I wiped the blood from my face and looked up at the sky for a brief second. One of the guys was only a few feet from me. I lunged at him with all my might punching him in the face. He fell to the ground blacked out. The other came at me but I was able to fight him off enough to put some distance between us. I heard sirens in the distance. The guy drew a knife threatening me with the same lifeless fate as Cam. He lunged at me and somehow, I was able to move out of the way grabbing his wrist, twisting it around and plunging the blade into his stomach. The sound of the sirens grew louder as they approached. The guy tried to pull the knife out but I pushed harder and harder until I couldn’t hold on to it anymore. The knife slipped out but I was able to reposition my grip and plunged it back in again, then again and again. With each stad of the knife he grew weaker and weaker. I watched the color drain from his skin, and the focus in his eye drifted until there was nothing.

When I let go, he slumped over onto me. I had just enough energy to push him off. Covered in blood I knelt down next to all of the death that surrounded me. Two police cars pulled up with lights and sirens blaring. I only felt the vibrations; silence flooded my mind and my entire being became numb. I was thrown to the ground; face down, my arms wrenched behind me one at a time as the handcuffs wrapped around my wrists cutting into the thin flesh on my bones. I said nothing, I stayed silent no matter what question was asked of me. I didn’t move, I could barely breathe. I was in shock. I took a life that night. I lost two… I think.

“So, you’re saying this was all self-defense?” The detective asks me.

“That’s what I am saying.”