Live Reactions: Clinger (2015)

I've been creeping around the horror movie selections on my streaming services as of late, finding a lot of "misses" and a few "hits". Cycling through Amazon Prime, I came across this one.

Ten minutes in, Robert Klingher - a high school boy obsessed with his girlfriend Fern - loses his head. Literally. Just as he professes his love and she tries to break up with him.

Of course, even death cannot deter Robert. Fern turns to her coach, a former ghost hunter Valeria Kingsley (quite magnificently played by Alicia Monet Caldwell). She teaches Fern the rules of dealing with Robert (with some hilarious visual cues) and ending with a side-hug.

Fern finally sees Robert in the, um, flesh. He is just very dead. Fern ties a scarf around his neck to hide his stitched-on neck even though nobody else can see him.

Kelsey, Fern's sister, is trying to kick her sock puppet start-up into gear, but the only person(-ish) who supports her is Robert. Sexual harassment sock puppets is kind of a great idea. Unfortunately, Kelsey spills the beans that Fern was trying to break up with Robert and that he literally lost his head.

Fern breaks it to Robert that he is dead, so he goes to his grave. He sees all kinds of lovely characters at the cemetery. Flapper Girl gives him a guide to death, and Temperance - who has an ax sticking out of her head, courtesy of her husband - begins talking to Robert. She tells Robert to not let go of his love for Fern.

Kelsey shows up at the high school to help the students deal with grief using her amazing sock puppets. I really love this crazy chick and her sock puppets.

Anyway, Fern and Robert rekindle their romance, but Robert doesn't want her going to MIT. He doesn't want her to leave him. Fern and her new friend Harlan talk about ghosts, and it's obvious they're gonna hook up.

Robert gets mad that Fern blew him off for a cemetery date to do her science lab work. He intervenes and ends up contributing to her C-. What a dick. Fern starts deleting her pictures of him, but guess who shows up playing that stupid song...

But Fern cannot help herself, and they start getting it on. Oops, Kelsey walks in though! They persist because why not. And... do ghosts really need to use condoms? Is that... Huh? Robert loses his head again and squirts Fern with a bodily fluid that is not semen. While cleaning up, Fern tries to break up with Robert again.

Jenny, a vapid, popular snob, invites Fern to her party, along with Fern's best friend, Jesus-lovin' Moe. Fern gets trashed as Robert spies on her and spikes her drink with blood, which Fern spits on Jenny. Party = ruined!

Fern finds Harlan the next day looking down about his ex. Robert spies on them having fun. And, ope, there's a man's ass on my screen... I guess I'm thirsty enough to appreciate that.

Anyway, Robert attacks Harlan with scissors in the locker room, and IS THAT A DICK?! I'm pretty sure I just saw his dick. Harlan tells Fern, who turns to her coach. Coach gives her a toy gun for use on spirits and some pills. That's all the help Coach is willing to offer her at the moment as she "retired for a reason."

Robert proceeds to flood Fern's car with gifts. She almost shoots him but hesitates. Temperance tries to comfort Robert at the cemetery while Moe and Kelsey (whose startup failed due to Kickstarter's outrageous fees) help Fern clean up the gifts.

Fern doesn't get her MIT acceptance letter and tells Coach that Robert vanquished himself. Nah, girl, we all know he's just stalking you. Anyhow, Fern's parents decide to be hipsters and try a hookah bar, so Robert goes to the home and stalks Fern while she sleeps. He then asks Fern to die for him, so Kelsey comes to her aid. Kelsey's creepy boyfriend is also there, chained to the bed for some kinky times. Moe shows up at the front door.

Temperance shows up and attacks them, so Kelsey hits her with a bat. Kelsey's boyfriend Dean struggles as a demon teddy bear tries to get into Kelsey's bedroom. Dean confesses to cheating and is mauled to death by the demon teddy bear. Temperance axes Kelsey, but Kelsey survives and asks for a BandAid. Robert shows his face and tells Fern he'll love her until the day she dies. Dean comes back as a ghost and takes his "flawless body" with him. Kelsey loses consciousness as Moe enters the house. Moe finds out that Robert plans on going to Fern's track meet the next day. Fern finally realizes that love shouldn't hurt. Better late than never, eh? Took me about 35 years.

Temperance pushes Robert to pursue Fern. Coach is packing up when Fern goes to her for help. Coach was in a car accident that killed her mom and granny, who then wanted her to join them. Coach vanquished her mother but is still haunted by her lonely, bitter old gran. Coach takes off, and Fern realizes she is alone. She uses her knowledge of chemicals to fashion ghost-killing weapons and tells her parents about Robert. Fern and Robert separately practice their speeches for one another. Fern goes to her meet and is supported by her parents, Kelsey, Moe, and Harlan. Jenny shows up and spouts some stupid speech about beheaded youth. Then, the match commences.

Fern's friends and family pop some ghost-seeing pills as the ghosts attack Fern. Jenny runs to go help as the crowd watches, stupefied, then horrified as Jenny loses a hand. Coach shows up and runs over Temperance as she tries to kill Fern. Robert and Fern tussle, and Harlan zaps him.

Fern tells Robert over and over she doesn't love him, which causes him to lose his power. Fern tells Robert that they couldn't be happy together and that Robert will find someone in the afterlife. Robert then decides to pass over.

The MIT recruiter gives Fern her psychiatrist husband's phone number. Fern and Harlan agree to "just chill" for the moment instead of jumping into a relationship. So, someone in a horror movie actually learned their lesson.

Roll end credits.

Not gonna lie, this movie exceeded my expectations. Campy? Yes. Gory? Moderately. Crude humor? Hell yes! The humor is what sold me in the first ten minutes.

The first ten minutes of a horror (even horror comedy) matter. How are you gonna hook your audience? Think of it like a prologue to a novel. If you don't win someone's interest by the end of the prologue or first chapter, they're going to struggle.

Oh hey, look! Nods to the Kickstarters and donors. That makes Kelsey's Kickstarter joke all the sweeter. I love you, filmmakers of Clinger.

Okay, did a quick search. This film was the directorial debut of Michael Steves and was co-written with Gabi Chennisi Duncombe and Bubba Fish (I really love this name). Steves even did the teddy bear voices! His most recent work, West of Hell (2018) stars Tony Todd, Lance Henrikson, and Jennifer Laporte (who plays Fern in Clingers). Ya had me at "Tony Todd," Mr. Steves.

I digress.

Watch this movie. It actually sends a good message about relationships and has some delightfully dumb humor to boot. I don't care that I've spoiled the whole thing for you. Watch it anyway.