I Watched the 'Slender Man' Movie so You Don't Have To

by Ashton Goodnough about a year ago in movie review

Seriously, don't waste your money.

I Watched the 'Slender Man' Movie so You Don't Have To

Now this will contain spoilers...you've been warned.

As of writing this review, I got home from the movie theater about 10 minutes ago, and I put on a good horror movie (1976 Carrie for those who are wondering) in the hopes of getting this trash out of my head.

Now, before I continue, I wanna say that I enjoy creepy pastas and Slender Man is one of the characters I do like reading about. So I was disappointing when this movie did not do him justice. Hell, the movie is named after the guy and he probably gets about 5-10 minutes of screen time throughout the whole thing. And when you do see him, everything is so dark that you can't even see him. They could've done so much with this and they just wasted the opportunity.

The story is about four teenage girls who summon Slendy for fun and, big freaking shocker, Slendy starts picking them off one by one, but leaving one of them alive—but she ends up just being a crazed vegetable. The girls themselves aren't even that likable.

The first girl who gets picked off, Katie, I didn't like her from the start. Her first line of dialogue was this:

"Did you know the pilgrims thought that sneezing was you expelling demons from your body? That's why I never sneeze, I wanna keep them all inside me."

I just rolled my eyes and tried my hardest not to groan out loud. I mean, how "edgy" can you be? I wen't through a goth/emo phase in middle school and I was never that cringy.

And when the girls do bring up the idea of summoning Slender Man, it just seems so clunky and forced, but then again most bad horror films do that just to get the plot rolling.

Then there is Chloe, who is the one who goes insane, she is... she's just an idiot. There is a scene where the girls try a ritual to get Katie back and one of the others, Wren, says they have to wear blindfolds and not look into his face. Spoiler Alert: Chloe looks, sees him, and runs off in the woods and she later gets attacked at her house.

Also, that line bugged me as well. "Don't look into his face." WHAT FACE??? He has none. *sigh*

Anyway, Wren gets obsessed about the whole thing while the last girl Ally is in denial about the whole thing, even though see has seen him in the woods a few times. She basically pulling a Dana Scully through the whole thing.

Then, the movie kinda derails itself, mostly to try and scare the audience with jump scares, which is another failure. I mean, playing the game scared me more. They even tried to make it seem like it was all a dream at one point, which honestly, they could've gone without. There was even some imagery that was just random and didn't really make a whole lot of sense, but kept it in cause I guess they thought they looked creepy.

Wren soon gets the ax and Ally is the last one left, and Slendy uses the oldest trick in the box. Ally hears Katie's voice and is lured into the forest like that. It just made me think of that scene in Spaceballs when Dark Helmet tricks Vespa into thinking her dad came to rescue her. I couldn't help but laugh at that.

There are even bits throughout the movie where they watch videos of Slenderman, and it just made it seem like it was The Ring but with Sledny. The girls even Google stuff about him but no one had the bright idea to Google how to get rid or attempt to look up how to destroy him, or something.

The movie then ends with Ally getting captured and becoming embedded into a tree? Like, I said, the whole movie was dark and dimly lit, it made it pretty hard to see what was going on. It's like the film was super stingy about the power bill. My eyes would hurt whenever they would shine around flashlights because my eyes were so used to the dark.

All in all, if you wanna be scared by Slenderman, just play the game. This movie wasn't worth the money. I knew my gut was right when I first saw the trailer and thought "Wow. That looks stupid." Save your money, horror fans. I mean, unless you like bad movies, then go ahead.

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