Hunt for the Kansan subway monster

My first monster hunt after becoming as a Pastafarian minister/monster hunter

Hunt for the Kansan subway monster
The Flying spaghetti monster

Ok so me Getting ordained as a pastafarian minister (June 10) was one of the best things to happen to me, always having Autism I was always the guy who was outcasted, I tried everything submitting to all the fads, and even (4 years to the day) once joined a local Mennonite community (Lyndon) which was a succsess. They accepted me into the community with open arms, they introduced me to there culture and to the Bible (and to be honest I believed in god more as it was my prayers answered that I found that community) and there was one man who treated me better than all the others but they all treated me with kindness and acceptance never making fun of me and it was like a dream come true my belief in god truly was at its highest till they then vanished me over a very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very vast misunderstanding it was there overly high lack of knowledge in modern science as well as my own comfort level (seeing them as family) and my forgetting to take my seizure medication (which made me have to play with a card in my pocket to not have a headache and a seizure during the church service) and there lack of letting me explain, that got me kicked out.

With this the man who treated me better he took me home but first seeing I was near tears took me to pet the horses and even talked me thru my nervousness and I think the horses even noticed I was sad as they to lowered there head in a “pet me you’ll feel better” type of motion and it did indeed help me. But I will say my faith was destroyed in god ironically ruined by the one people who I found thru god answering my prayers. It wasn’t till one day I was searching the internet and came across a website The church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and reading into it I decided to get ordained and I decided I have found my place and so I got ordained and from that I vowed to uphold it at all cost and devote myself to the god that helped me out of my anger and depression.. The FSM.

So a month later I hear of this devil like creature that causes panic and unrest in the East side of Lawrence and knowing I couldn’t face this creature alone I go to the one otherone who followed the same beliefs in town, my best pal.... Vick. Getting to Vick’s house using my specialized bus pass (which is for only people with handicap and other disorders so the one time I’m happy to have autism). And when I told him right then of my aspirations and Vick wasn’t at all to exactly enthralled by the idea of him encountering this very deadly creature. “Vick, Vick, Vick, Vick, Vick, oh my dear friend, look at it this way all these creature is dangerous, Vick, and all we stand for, they are causing panic they are fueling flames to all who see it, they need to return and it’s my job to do so, you have an amazing and very very unique opportunity to help me” and with this Vick (albeit still somewhat hesitant) he did after a few minutes and a bowl of ice cream, agreed to help me on my mission but then looked me in the eyes “you are really devoted to this religion reverend” he told me and I smirked “yes, well the spaghetti monster helped me thru a very tough time in my life” and with that we headed out (after Vick got read with his black shorts, knee high socks, blue T-shirt, and red suit jacket (which went well with the red suit I had on along with a tucked in white graphic T-shirt with the words “ordained Pastafarian minister” and a symbol the Jesus of Pastafarianism the flying spaghetti monster and along with black dress shoes and a braided belt).

Our first stop was my brothers house to get more information as he was the last to see the creature upon opening the door I said “hello Brandon” he looked at me with clear distain in his eyes “reverend” he blankly replies to me before proceeding to invite us in (Brandon was never to keen on my career choice as he was a Christian and sees my chosen religion PASTAFARIAN as a very blasphemous religion and has for lack of a better word disowned me for being a reverend of the church and my career choice). Well once we entered and after a 20 minute talk and getting more info about this thing my brother arms us with guns and also throwing blades, then promptly kicks us out of his house.

“He’s a son of a B” Vick replied but I turned to him “nah man he has his opinions man and I have mine, but we have bigger fish to fry”and I pulled out my phone “who are you texting father?” Vick asked “well per the 8 rules I can not judge, but I can call a friend of mine who will” and then after sending the text we jumped back in Vick’s car and drove off to the subway tunnels to confront this thing.

Vick armed with a old western pistol and 2 throwing blades me armed with 4 throwing blades led the way pointing my flashlight. It was 3 hours into the hunt and we didn’t see anything and Vick was getting impatient “ok that’s it!!, Reverend look there is no such thing it is just a rumor ok, and morons like you fall for it because of your religious devotion and it is...” however before he could finish I punched him and this started a fight he kicked me but I jumped back he punched but I ducked and hit him in the gut then kneed him in the face as he fell to the ground I kicked him but he grabbed me foot and thru me back but I fell to the floor did a back flip and jumped on my feet and he punched I blocked it and sucker punched him breaking his nose then spin kicked him in the chest as he flew back 5ft into the wall I then grabbed his collar headbutt him and thru him across the ground as he rolled over the edge onto the tracks.

I walked over to the tracks and helped him up only for him to headbutt me onto the ground “I’m leaving screw this and screw SFM!!!!” however I then took out and thru a throwing blade at him which almost him hit coming 4 inches from his neck and while he let out a cuss word “I wasn’t aiming at you” I said standing up and pointing to the ground and he turned around and there was a trail of dark red fresh blood on the floor leading down the tracks “oh” he said as he started to approach the track but I grabbed him only for him to sucker punch me in the face as I fell back to the ground Vick then cocked his gun hammer back and approached it with slow hesitation his curioisity clearly taken over his logic thinking as he looked over the edge he was suddenly tackled by this thing that clawed his hand as the gun flew from his hand sliding across the ground as Vick screamed as it ripped into him like a sharp knife thru melting butter.

I performed a brief prayer to “the Flying Spaghetti Monster” before I then proceeded throwing the blade at the creature which nailed it in the eye as it screeched in pain and jumped at me I grabbed the gun shooting it while it was in mid air it fell to the ground I then grabbed my knife and thru it into its neck then jumping on it I stabbed it in the eye over and over again till it grabbed me throwing me off it 8ft across the entire subway as I slammed against the stairs and it turned back to Vick and grabbing him but I shot it in the hand (putting water on the bullet and blessing the bullet with water using the Catholic ritual before firing).

It screeched in pure pain then dropped a injured Vick and ran with a speed that in a blink of an eye it was gone (I only know that it ran down the tunnel by following the blood trail but somehow the blood trail stopped mid-tunnel with NO sign of the creature) so I went back to Vicks car then ran back down to Vick and stitched up his wounds (using the medical kit in his car) and then I grabbed his hood and dragged him across the ground up the stairs and called 911.

“so Vick my boy, you renounced the faith huh” I said to him “ya I do but I don’t renounce our friendship” he said weakly and to this I looked to him “ok your choice is yours, but I do owe you this man” I then sucker punched him in the temple and knocking him purely out Cold, then as I heard the sirens of an ambulance approach I did a prayer over him asking the SFM to watch over Vick then I proceeded to walked off, leaving a knocked out Vick laying on the ground for the ambulance and others to find him.

Rev. Dillion Burns
Rev. Dillion Burns
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Rev. Dillion Burns

I’m a ordained pastafarian minister and also an avid monster hunter

See all posts by Rev. Dillion Burns