Five Jobs for Vampires on Indeed

Eternal life is fun and all, but sometimes it's nice to contribute to the economy instead of being a drain on society. Here are some jobs for an aspiring or bored vampire.

1. Security Officer at a Blood Bank

If you're more of a touchy-feely vampire who doesn't enjoy killing humans for their delicious crimson nectar, this job is perfect for you. It would be wise to take advantage of the part-time hours– that way you won't have to spend all day guarding some stupid humans and their blood. It might be a bit dull at times, but it's all worth it for those access codes to the blood bank. It's the job perk to end all job perks. Rats and deer are fine for a midday snack, but when you want something good you'll be itching for some human. Grab an easy meal at any time, they'll never suspect their own security guard. You won't show up on security cameras, either. It's the perfect caper.

2. Bouncer

This job takes place in the native habitat of vampires: nighttime. You know these people, you've befriended them and fed on them. Landing this job would mean you can let your vampire friends in the club without a cover charge, so that's pretty sweet too.

A regular bouncer might not be able to detect an emergency situation until it hits him in the face, but heightened vampiric senses far outmatch human senses. Be sure to put that on the application.

3. Track and Field Coach

Without even really trying, you could show these kids what a real mythical monster can do when it comes to track and field events. They would be absolutely gobsmacked by your athletic prowess, inspired by your ability to run at over 100 miles per hour, jump over every hurdle at once, and so on. A true role model is something rare, something precious. You could be that role model for the next generation of promising youth. Or handpick the most impressive students and turn them in time for the Vampire Olympics. What are you waiting for? These kids deserve a vampire as their track and field coach.

(P.S.) "Immediate Opening" means they'll be desperate enough to hire anyone, including a bloodthirsty creature of the night.

4. Magician

Telekinesis, pyrokinesis, authentic goth style, these are all things that regular human magicians merely aspire to have. As a vampire, these come to you naturally.

Watch your audience scream in awe as you set fire to a cross atop a church spire, fly into a tree, and manipulate an incredulous father's hat from a distance. It's been said that good magicians' tricks verge on terrorizing their audience, and what vampire doesn't want to frighten humans all night long? As a bonus, it's in LA, so you can really be yourself.

5. Bat Monitor

This one is a summer internship, not a job. Fair enough. But what need do vampires really have for money? In this position, you'll get to contribute to science while making new friends with a bunch of bats and awkward college kids. At night, you can transform into a bat and go hang out (upside down) with the colony, catching bugs and chatting about the weather. What could be better? And hey, if a few students go missing in the forests of New Hampshire, who can be to blame? Certainly not the 300-year-old vampire intern.

Thanks and good luck to all my vampiric audience out there looking for employment. Remember you don't have to spend all your infinite days in that stuffy old coffin at home, you can go out and experience the big wide world out there!