Eating my experiences (25)

TOME 26

The spiraling numbness took hold of me for an indeterminate amount of time. My friends and cat, who I had cast aside for a small morsel of fun now flitted about me in failed attempts to get me to speak, but I felt as though I had not only murdered my mother, but slept with her too, a fate not easily forgotten.

When I fell back into my body, my throat was sore and dry, my eyes swollen and burning. I croaked out words absently, causing the house to stand still. "I left Gabe's head behind. I'm gonna get it." My voice was flat and scratched the air as it floated above us.

"A-are you sure you're ready for that? Also isn't he...kinda...rotten..?" Alex asked pausing as he went, almost as though fearing the inevitable break of my soul.

"I don't care, I need it back" I thought I was ready to leave that little piece of myself behind when we left Santa Cruz, but Lilly was an unexpected set back, and there was no other way to rectify it. I wasn't even sure that would fix it, but it seemed the only thing that may have a chance of sealing the newly formed cracks that polluted me, allowed all that once made me who I am to slip out.

I tried to will myself to stand, only to fall back again, my knees hurt, my back ached, and my legs creaked under the sudden strain. I didn't have it in me to react, not even a sigh would escape me. I closed my eyes, only to be surprised at my body being lifted to Zach's chest, his strong, yet soft arms circling me, all at once bringing attention to how cold I was as his body warmed me.

"First let's get you to bed, you've been sitting there like a husk for days...and you don't look so well. Beautiful as always, but not...well." He gracefully swept me upstairs and into one of the two beds where Alex found us, a bottle of water in hand. I hardly felt my body imprint on the mattress before I fell asleep to Zack brushing my hair away from my neck with his fingers.

TOME 27

I awoke to the thunderstorm of my cats purring, disoriented and overjoyed at her presence. I had slept well, and long, prepared for our trek to the city, a journey I would struggle to convince my small group of. I teetered down the stairs, cat in tow, meowing and cooing as she went in circles around my feet, she always knew how to make me smile.

I found Zach at the river in the sunshine, playing his guitar and singing. He looked up as I approached and a look of concern swept his face as he moved the soft curls of his wild hair away from his eyes. I provided a smile as reassurance that I was on the mend before slinking quietly into the grass beside him, removing my worn shoes and carefully edging my feet into the crystal clear river. I let out a gleeful shriek as the cold seeped into my bones, giggling as I grabbed Zach's warm arm.

His skin was soft and supple, enjoyable in each electric movement, each pulse of his heart under my finder tips. My eyes glittered as I looked up as him, his warm brown eyes kind under his bottle thick glasses. I discovered a comfort in his presence that I feared I had killed along with Lilly...oh, Lilly. I allowed myself a moment of comfort, of bliss. Euphoria swept up my spine, pulling a large grin into my face. I missed this aspect of my BPD, the heightened emotions come with one lovely side effect, the absolute joy and euphoria I could reach unaided was beyond approach.

I allowed the drug of my mental illness to take me away as I wondered about Zach's touch, about his body, I allowed myself to lay him down at the rivers edge, my hand protecting his head as it fell to the grass. I smiled before bringing my lips to his, a long awaited act, pulling behind his neck for a deeper kiss. I slid my underwear off, easing them around one ankle so as not to lose them, before reaching into his pants, pulling him between my legs, excitement took hold of me as he found easy entry through the slimy mess I had made on my thighs.

I felt him thrust in as fear overtook me, as the anguish in Lilly's bludgeoned eyes flitted behind my eye-lids. I felt disgust flood me as I pushed off from him, crying now, as vomit filled my mouth. I had lost something so much more natural to me than my mother, I had lost my sexuality. Zach held my hair back as I screamed in a pain that I had hoped I would not have to endure. I had my sexuality violated several times before the Zombie outbreak, yet this seemed so much more personal, so much more grotesque in nature.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I said between dry heaving and bawling. Zach simply placed a tender kiss on the top of my head, smoothed my hair and began cooing to me.

"You're fine, you've been through a lot, I can wait." His voice was soothing and brought my tears to a lulled ebb of emotions.

"We need to go to Santa Cruz again, I need to get Gabe's head" I whimpered as he nodded.

"We can leave tonight if you need, Alex said he will take care of Breb's food, he said he has an idea on how she can eat with all of us gone, a gravity feeder or something he's making from plaster." The information brought comfort, I did not have it in me to figure out how to feed her, or bring her, and I trusted Alex to make sure she was okay as he loved her almost as much as I did.

"Okay," my voice came out much shakier than I would have wanted, but I pressed on, "I wanna leave soon, maybe a few hours?" Zach nodded petting my hair as he eased me to my feet.

"Okay, let's get you inside though, okay, it's sorta cold." He was right, so I followed him on shaky legs.

I had been sexuality violated several times before the Zombie outbreak, yet this seemed so much more personal, so much more grotesque in nature.

TOME 28

I sat in what was once used as a living room staring at a wall, until Alex walked into the room holding a small stack of books, sitting next to me before he suggested I read. Reading always made me feel better, more engaged. I lazily grabbed the top one, finding it to be Perfume, a book Gabe had once gifted to me. I felt the swell of love in my heart as my eyes glassed over.

"Do you miss me" I heard the voice of my grief personified in Gabe's voice. I shook my head to clear it, only succeeding in making it duller, quieter, so I could not hear the words but his voice murmured on in my head.

"We can leave any time now....I think, but are you sure about this? We hardly got out alive." He was right and I knew it, but would never admit it in the moment.

"I need to go...I need to do this for Gabe." It had been weeks since his death, and I shuddered to think of the state it would be in, but coming into contact with my mom in Lilly, instilled a new fear of him coming back as an entirely new being. A fear so deeply instilled it became irrational, worming its way through my brain as it ate all independent thought I possess. I was becoming piloted by nothing but fear, consumed entirely by possibilities that had not come to pass. "We leave today." I shouted, not meaning to, as I stormed from the room, throwing Perfume at the wall as I went.

Alex was a yard behind me, sick with worry as he chased me, as I threw items into a bag that had become a staple of my wardrobe. "We're leaving, Zach, grab your stuff, or I'll f**king leave you." I knew I didn't mean it as tears streaked my face, snot pouring from my nose. I knew I was in no condition for this onslaught of trauma to come, going to the city always spelled trouble in large blood red letters. A scream leapt from my lungs, guttural and unintended, it took a moment to even realize it came from my empty body. I didn't know it was me, till my throat burned as it ripped apart.

I had lost it.

This wouldn't be the first, nor last time I would unravel like an ugly sweater handmade by your grandma, something you're happy to see gone even as sadness fills you, another sentimental moment faded with time. I gasped as my grief choked me, as my tears moistened my bag, which I gripped so hard my fingers were popping.

Alex eased the bag from my hands, his own tears threatening his eyes, a trembling smile bringing me to reality for a split moment before I began pulling at my hair, screams piecing themselves together in the air between us. I cracked to the floor on my knees, a moment of pain that brought clarity.

That's it. Pain.

I began thrashing at my arms with my hard, sharp nails, leaving trails of blood flowing the the floor, a giggle began at the back of my throat before erupting like a volcano, broken and violent, discordant and painful. The sound of my laughter brought Zach up from the basement, fear in his eyes, his cheeks a slight red along with his nose.

His presence felt like a punch to the stomach, I didn't want him to see me like this, so I tried to stop laughing, but couldn't as my face only grew wetter. So I held my breath. I held my breath till the sun faded, held it till my head swam and clouded over, no longer full of thought.

Then everything went dark.

Sound dissipated like the chorus to a discordant song, and I felt the air swish past me as I fell, my hands and feet numb as though they had been removed.

TOME 29

I woke with stars surrounding me, the thunder storm of purring surrounding me. Feathers in my head as I pulled myself together, I had fainted several times before, yet this one felt the most consuming. I felt a sudden pain as I missed my mom, missed my dad.

my eyes met my cats, and I quickly whisked her into my arms, meowing as she went. "I missed you, girl, you're so good." my voice muffled by her fur as she poked my cheek with her nose, a purr filling the room. "Let's leave...tomorrow...okay?" My friends placed a compassionate hand on my shoulder and my hand, a knowing smile on each of their faces.

TOME 30

We left the next day as I had suggested, bags full, water filled, and buffered against the cold with several sweaters each. We walked quickly at first, and slowing as we went, gumption leaving each of us in turn. We set up camp earlier than usual as our fatigue was setting in, eating meager amounts of food and sleeping in shifts.

Each of us fell asleep during our watch, an abnormal reaction for each of us, but we wrote it off, leaving the next day feeling groggy and not speaking, only to set up camp even earlier that day. We had effectively lengthened our travel now by a full day, but we had little choice.

I was the first to develop a fever, followed by Zach, then Alex. I have immune issues and slept for two days straight, waking shivering and coughing. Alex was awake, and upon seeing me, he offered me some water and a hug.

"You okay? We couldn't wake you for two days, please drink this, and here, have some bread." He was reaching into his bag for a stale lump of bread, which I greedily accepted.

"How are you and Zach?" my voice came out more raspy and weak than I had hoped it would, making me sound pathetic and vulnerable. Alex covered me in a blanket and pulled me closer to the fire before answering.

"We're good, I think? We probably all need another day of rest though, we will need our strength for the city." I knew he was right but it concerned me, as sitting still in the open is usually a bad idea, but we really had no other option, so T simply nodded, chewing on my thumb nail.

I chose to lay back down on the hard ground, closer to the fire now, before going to sleep, watching Alex play his banjo, a gentle smile on my face.

TO BE CONTINUED...