Dead good-looking

Putting together a dating profile when your needs are unusual, is not easy.

For sure, most people are not looking for the attributes that I am looking for in a partner.

Most people are looking for somebody vivacious, bubbly, full of life. I can honestly say that those qualities have never appealed to me. I know this makes me weird. The thing is, you like what you like. And I cannot help liking people who are more… sedate.

I am a very shy person. I am not interested in lengthy conversations, exhausting time spent together, or even intimacy. I was a shy child, and had problems connecting with others. I am looking to meet someone who is quiet.

There is something important that I need to tell you about myself. I am terrified of rejection. I do not ever want to FEEL rejected, and I cannot cope with BEING rejected. Put simply, I cannot ever put myself into a situation where I would risk having those terrible feelings.

This is why I am being honest about what I need, opening up my heart to you.

I have had some very unsatisfactory dates in the past, and because of my… preferences, I have sadly known that they would go nowhere.

One man, Steven, was so animated, it made my head spin. He gesticulated wildly, talked with his hands, as it were, and it made me feel dizzy. He was a nice person, but I just couldn’t cope with the amount of motion involved in spending time with him, so I didn’t see him again.

Another chap, Roger, talked constantly, and I simply could not get a word in edgeways. Listening to him made me very tired, and the headache he gave me meant I definitely would not be seeing him again. I like people to be good listeners.

Jeremy was a very close call, and it was such a shame as he was lovely, quiet, and very handsome. He sat watching me with his huge dark eyes as we ate dinner at mine, his delicate, slender fingers laced together beneath his fine chin. He was very wonderful, and in fact we saw each other a few times. Unfortunately, on the fifth date, we took a walk along the river, and he took my hand; his hand which had looked so elegant and cool was in fact hot and clammy, and made me feel sick. When I pulled away, repulsed, he explained sheepishly that he tended to be on the warm side, and overheated easily. I deleted his number.

I need to be with somebody who, not only is physically my type, but who is never going to put me down, who is never going to turn me away, or end the relationship. Someone who is going to be here for me and with me forever. Someone who will never say harsh words about me, or lie to me, upset me. Someone who will allow me to lie in their arms and bask in their love for as long as I want.

I do not think that these are big asks; it appears though, that they are big asks for most people. Which is why I need a very particular type of person to cuddle up with.

It is not easy for me to open my heart; I hope that you will understand and not judge me when I ask that you lay still and do not make a sound, as I cuddle up with you, kiss you. I hope that you will listen silently and with love, as I open my heart to you, before placing your cool body gently back in the large refrigerator to be preserved, every single night. You see – for me, you need to be dead good-looking.