Bozo the Clownfish

The fish always watch you.

Thats one thing I've noticed working at the aquarium. They're always staring at you. Bug eyed.

When you close and you're left alone with them it can be a little disconcerting, but it only took a few shifts to get used to them. I have names for most of them now, I suppose you can guess what everyone names the clownfish, but I call him Bozo the Clownfish. It seems a little more original to me. He's a clown after all.

It's not a big aquarium so I'm mostly alone. Sometimes Melissa is in, but usually she is in the back office. I don't mind the lone shifts; I like them even. It's just me and the fish.

I don't normally talk to them until I've closed or if it's really quiet. Then I tell them about my day. Like, for example, last week there was this girl I saw on my train to work, and she was so beautiful I just thought to myself 'go on, talk to her'. But the train kept going and I just kept sitting there and staring. Eventually the girl must've seen me looking because she got up and moved further down the carriage.

I moped around all day at work. No-one asked me if I was ok, but Bozo seemed to know. He stopped swimming and looked at me, blinked twice and stared. I told him all about it. After all, there was no one else to tell.

Some days I stay for a long time after we've closed. There's even been nights when I haven't gone home and started my shift the next morning. I just feel more comfortable around the fish, and they feel more comfortable around me.

I've been here an hour longer tonight when Melissa comes out of the office.

'Jesus!' she says, 'David, you're still here.'

I nod.

'I've been meaning to talk to you about this actually, would you like to come and sit down in my office for a moment?'

I look around at the fish.

'No,' I say. 'I'd prefer it here.'

'Fine. Well, basically I've noticed you've been staying well after your shift, sometimes even all night. Now, if you have nowhere to stay the company can help with that but you cannot be staying at the aquarium.'

'I can't?' I notice Bozo staring now, he seems upset.

'No, David, you can't.'

'But, but what about the fish?' I gesture towards them.

'What about them?'

'What will they do without me?'

She laughs, as if I am being silly. As if the fish mean nothing.

'I'm sure they'll be fine.'

'But who will I talk to? We're friends.'

'David, we're not really-' she pauses, looking at my face. 'Do you mean the fish?'

'OF COURSE, I DO.'

She looks almost scared now, she doesn't understand, she's trying to take my fish away.

'David, let's calm down, we'll go speak to someone who can help you.'

'You want to get me away from them, don't you? What are you going to do? Are you going to hurt them?' I can feel myself getting more and more angry, my face is hot, my hands clenched.

'Of course not, maybe you just need some time away. A holiday, maybe.'

Now I see, she wants to take the fish away from me. She wants to stop me from being with them.

I look at Bozo. He blinks twice. Then my hands are around her neck and her face is blue. She scratches my forearms, but it means nothing. The fish go on watching, as her oxygen runs out.

I look around at the fish.

I am like them, always made passive. Staring out onto a world that I am not really a part of. I cannot touch or feel or understand. It refuses to understand me.

I walk around to the stairs that lead above the tanks. I look down at the fish. They look so peaceful. I dive, deep into the tank, swimming amongst them all. They rush at my side.

My vision starts to wane, darkness encroaching from all sides and my lungs burn. I am smiling. The last thing I see is the orange body of Bozo the Clownfish. He turns towards me, blinks twice and stares.

They keep watching, the fish, they always watch you.