Benkill

Ah hid jist finished disemboweling oor dinner when I heard the others pull up ootside oor perfect wee getaway. Malcolm and Helena, two halves of oor trio, were mah auldest and dearest pals. I ran tae the door and opened it, geeing them a wave afore headin back tae mah carcass. I grabbed mah Japanese steel cleaver and got tae work separating the head frae the body. I'd scalp the baldy bastid later and then scoop oot the brain for using tae flavour the soup.

“Lookin' good, lassie,” Malcolm snided as he walked through.

“Leave her alone or she'll chop you up next!”

Helena entered close behind with a clinking bag that told me she'd won the argument about how pished we were all going tae get this weekend. Malcolm could be quite a party pooper. He appreciated a drink but felt we should be trying tae behave as we're not teenagers anymore.

The thing about Malcolm is tho that he won't skinny dip stone-cold sober and ah know he's been looking forward tae that part of the weekend.

Ah have tae admit, ah wis too. Helena wis a fine lassie and Malcolm wis a gentleman.

“It smells like dead hiker in here. Lovely, dear!”

Helena sauntered towards me and planted a kiss on my lips.

“I can smell the plasma. Have you been snacking on oor feast as you cook?”

She tried tae pick up the hiker's right ear that ah hid jist sliced off but ah slapped her hawn.

“Naughty naughty! Wait till it's on yer plate, missy!”

“Tease!” she replied, joining Malc on the sofa in the lounge area of oor Islay cabin.

“Well ye know me, hen. Love keeping ye on yer toes!”

“You two are incorrigible!” Malc interjected as Helena cuddled up tae him after removing her cute wee jacket.

“You love us, dickhead,” I called oot as I took oot a tray with premixed Bloody Marys frae the fridge.

After working hard since early that morning, I placed the tray on the coffee table and sat doon as we all sipped.

“Ooh that hits the fuckin spot. Did ye drain the blood this morning?”

I knew Malc would notice. He always had a discerning palate.

“Aye, strung up the bloke and drained him intae a bucket. I had a sip frae his corpse cos I'm a greedy bitch!”

We all laughed, and Helena coughed a little.

“Definitely Type O,” Malc continued.

I gulped doon the last of my Bloody Mary and licked oot the glass like a feral animal, grinning at Helena who, as usual, couldnae keep her eyes off me.

“Malc, I might need tae devour yer lassie tonight!” ah said as ah went back tae using mah old faithful boning knife tae make some tender steaks of thigh and rump frae oor blessed gift frae the mountain.

Malc just rolled his eyes and tugged Helena in close tae him.

“Beinn Shiantaidh has served us well again, my friends!” I smiled as I placed some butter in a pan and seared off the thigh and rump steaks.

“It smells divine. It's a pure shame that nae others know the bountiful feast ye can have with Benkill!”

Helena's pupils dilated as they always did when she smelled some fine hiker meat frying.

“Well, most of the others would consider it sacrilege or some pish like that. Waste not, want not.”

Malc wis a traditionalist and had a deep-felt connection tae the land we dwelt on. We all did, in truth, but it wis Malc's staunch attitude tae preserving the ways of oor ancestors.

For all his annoying quirks, this wis one of the reasons we looked tae him for guidance and the like.

“Nieve, dae ye remember yer first time?”

He asked. The same question he always asked.

Helena rolled her eyes again and got some cans of cider frae her offie bag.

“Aye. It wis that cunt who tried tae rape me. If ye hadnae turned up, ah think he would have.”

It didnae hurt as much after twenty years, but that wis when oor little trio formed.

Alfie Reynolds wis some self-professed alpha male cunt frae college and ah stupidly decided tae go on a date wae him. But when we had hit a few bars, ah noticed ah wis mair pished than ah should have been. He took me doon an alley and wis rough. Hands all over mah body. Then there wis a flash of light and a heavy thud and his limp body fell intae me.

Then ah first saw Malc. He looked like some kinda guardian angel. Ah learned he wis anything but, though loyal tae the end.

He taught me how tae prepare human flesh best for eating and taught me that it wis mair of an acquired taste than the average Thomas Harris pulp.

It wis awful at first. But like yer first taste of red wine or whisky, it grows on ye if ye let it.

“You alright, love?”

I shook myself and saw Helena looking at me a little concerned.

“Ah must have drifted off a wee bit there. Sorry!”

“Reminiscing about when us miscreants took ye under oor wing?”

Malc and Helena both laughed. I tried tae look outraged before joining them.

“I never looked back.”

Helena yawned and excused herself tae the bedroom. We shared, naturally.

Malc kissed mah forehead as he walked oot with a cider and his notebook.

He wis an old soul and liked tae jot his thoughts doon. Sometimes he wrote poetry, sometimes blazing tirades against the ills of man.

Helena and I were in awe of him really, even if we didnae like tae show it too much. Gave him a big head, Helena said.

Ah wis slaving away in the kitchen, working hard on mah hiker feast, while snooping through the fella's phone. It wis mah ritual. Mah way of memorialising the dead before they became oor hearty meal.

Turns oot the hiker's name wis Josh.

He looked handsome, though he had some questionable taste in women and his sister looked like a right-wing thug.

It's a shame though. Which is why I spend so long on the meals I prepare. Malc taught me tae honour the offering. We never kill. Benkill is oor version of roadkill.

Deaths occur a lot in mountainous regions. And while I agree that it can be nice tae have a body, it just isnae possible sometimes. That's where we come in. Keeps control over the wildlife and stops humans becoming a familiar flavour for them.

And I can guarantee ye that I will pay respect tae Josh's slender and muscular body mair than foxes and rats would.

Ah hid been so busy nearing completion of oor banquet that would last the weekend that ah hadnae noticed the night had crept in.

Helena emerged frae the bedroom in nothing but some skimpy boxers, likely Malc's, and a smile. I tried not tae linger too much on her waif-like frame while I poured the soup intae Josh's skull as a serving dish and took it ootside by the hot tub.

I couldnae see Malc at first, then as Helena joined me he emerged frae the bushes behind the cabin wae some mushrooms.

“Are ye sure ye wanna trip when we have brandy and whisky?”

Helena took her turn tae be the voice of reason.

“Yer only saying that, hen, because of what happened last time when ye thought Margaret Thatcher wis gonnae eat ye frae the TV!” I laughed.

Malc joined in, promising Helena he'd protect her frae the Iron Lady despite her being deid for over a decade.

We all sat as I ladled the brain soup frae Josh's skull ontae oor oversized mugs.

Both Malc and I couldnae help but gaze at Helena's chest. It wis one of oor shared loves.

“Oooh that hits the spot and the brain has a haggis-like texture that is delightful!”

Malc wis the first tae comment. His praise delighted me.

“Is that mint or tarragon?” Helena asked curiously.

“Well spotted. More than just a cracking pair of tits, as ever!” I laughed, blushing slightly at the compliments.

Though I craved them and wanted tae be the best host I could be, I still found them hard tae take.

My parents had made me feel like shite growing up. Wisnae good for much aside frae slave labour.

After we finished oor soup, Helena wis first tae remove the rest of her clothes. Those boxers slid effortlessly doon her waist and legs before she kicked them ontae mah lap.

Jumping intae the hot tub, we were entranced by her pale bottom and quickly disrobed tae join her. I'd sort the dishes later.

I grabbed some whisky and brandy on the way and we all cosied together as Malc turned the fans up.

“Alexa, play Hot Tub Mix,” I called intae the cabin with mah two best pals in the world at either side of me as The Whole of the Moon by The Waterboys broke oot frae the speakers Malc had installed ootside the cabin a few years back.

Cue a lot of heavy kissing and slurred singing of anthemic lines like:

“I saw the crescent

you saw the whole of the moon”

It wis the gap between that and the iconic riff of I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) by The Proclaimers starting that I heard a distant sound that sent a shiver doon mah spine.

“Josh?”

“Did yous hear that?” ah asked the others.

They stopped kissing as we all looked a little shocked.

“Wis that the mushrooms talking or did ah hear a lassie's voice?”

“Josh, are ye there? It's Sarah!”

“That definitely sounded real that time,” ah said as ah covered mah tits wae mah hands and started looking around the perimeter of the clearing tae the front of oor cabin.

“Josh... the body's sister wis called Sarah. Ah saw on his phone.”

I gulped doon those words and stepped cautiously oot of the tub as the cold air and the thought that we werenae alone hit me.

“Don't panic, girls. Just get inside and we'll lock the door.”

Ever the sensible pragmatist, Malc took the lead as always.

We listened, standing because sitting didnae feel comfortable just yet.

Malc rushed calmly around locking all the doors and windows and killing the lights in the hope he blacked oot the cabin before Sarah got too close.

In oor panic we forgot about the music.

Fuck.

“Josh. Are ye hiding frae me?”

The voice wis closer and we all panicked a little mair.

I cut the speakers at the socket.

“I wis enjoying that, Josh!”

Helena had covered up and Malc collected the few weapons we had in the cabin aside frae mah butcher's tools.

A sgian-dubh and a crossbow were all we had.

“It might just be one person but we need tae be cautious,” Malcolm whispered.

Footsteps tapped slowly ootside the cabin.

It still sounded like two.

Which wis a relief until we heard a scraping noise across the window beside the front door.

Like a knife scraping along glass.

Malc placed his finger tae his lips and huddled Helena and me behind him as he prepped the crossbow.

Sarah tried the handle, remaining silent. We could hear her breathing. Deep but unsettlingly calm.

What did she know?

“Hello? I'm looking for my brother, Josh. I'm worried he had a fall and is badly hurt. I just need tae know what happened tae him. I know someone is there. I didnae mean tae scare you.”

Helena wis about tae open her mouth when I placed my hand on it, holding her tight.

She sounded innocent enough but something felt off. I know Malc felt it too as he stood closer tae the door.

He placed his ear tae the door tae have a closer listen afore a large bang and the shredding of wood followed Malc screaming as he pulled away frae the door.

Both Helena and I couldnae help but scream when we saw his ear bleeding profusely.

“Oh dear, did I get ye?” asked a calm Sarah before she kicked at the weakest point of the door — the handle — and stood in the doorway like hell in a cute blouse and jeans ensemble.

“Alright, freaks?” she sneered, walking in and pointing a large knife in oor direction as Malc stood between us girls and Sarah.

“We don't know a Josh. What are ye doing here?”

He tried tae reason before she quickly kicked the crossbow frae his hands and stabbed his thigh wae the knife, leaving it buried in the right one.

“Oh I know ye don't know my poor brother. I know ye don't have his clothes in that fire and ye don't have his phone on yer kitchen countertop. You're just three innocent cunts having a piss-up, right?”

“Tha... that's right. Wait. How did ye know about the clothes?”

I gulped hard trying tae protect mah modesty as Helena ran intae the bedroom tae hide.

“Oops. If yer gonnae eat a lassie's brother then lie aboot it, the least ye're probably best not being half-cut and high on magic mushrooms, aren't ye?”

Malc wis groaning and growling, far angrier than I wis used tae ever seeing him.

“Don't worry, hen. Josh wis a liability. We'd been stalking ye freaks for months. He wisnae cut oot for it though. So I used him as bait!”

Helena came running oot of the bedroom wae an axe and Sarah quickly pulled oot a handgun and shot her twice in the chest.

She hit the cabin floor fast as Malc tried tae grab at Sarah and I just stood motionless screaming.

“Oh I love this bit. Alexa, volume up five!” she laughed as The Proclaimers belted oot:

“But I would walk five hundred miles

And I would walk five hundred more

Just tae be the man who walked a thousand miles

Tae fall doon at yer door”

Helena surprisingly moved a little but Sarah fired off a couple mair shots.

“What do ye want wae us?”

Malc tried tae stand as he asked.

Sarah kicked his injured thigh and knelt doon beside him.

“I want ye tae suffer, freak!”

While she wis distracted, I tried tae edge towards the kitchen and grab the cleaver only tae feel cold sharp metal kiss mah right arse cheek.

“Fuck! Please leave us alone,” I screamed. Mair because I didnae know what else tae dae.

Sarah just laughed and walked slowly towards me.

I felt her breath on the back of my neck and her caress mah unscathed arse cheek before pulling the knife frae the other and putting it intae my hand.

“This is where the fun starts. I want ye tae kill yerself.”

“What? Why?”

She replied wae a slap across my face.

“Freak!”

Before I could say anything else she whacked me across the face with the gun.

I have nae idea how much time hid passed by but when I came to wae a headache banging like a 90s rave, I could see Malc and Helena laid oot on the floor as Sarah seemed tae be dancing tae Happy by Travis.

“And I've got a hunch that you're thinking the same thing

And with some luck

We'll be lying together tonight”

“I have tae compliment ye on yer wee setup here. It's not as amateurish as I initially thought.”

I couldnae speak or move.

“The cleaver and boning knife are tae die for. Which, ye know... ye know.”

My eyes were getting heavy as I saw her pick up her phone.

“Charlie boy, get yer sexy arse up tae Jura. We have a feast of three tae dine on. Aye, bring the gang. I'll text ye the address when ye hit the island!”

As my eyesight faded, Sarah stood over me with a smile.

“Alexa, volume up five.”

The sound of Travis filled the cabin.

“And I'm so happy 'cause you're so happy

I'm so happy 'cause you're so happy

I'm so happy 'cause you're so happy

And I'm so happy 'cause you're so happy

Oh, oh, aw

And I'm so happy”