Why the World Doesn't Need Zack Snyder's Justice League Movie

I can’t believe people enjoy this movie.

I’m gonna start this off by saying that my bar was super low for this movie. I saw the original Whedon cut and I did not enjoy that garbage. But I also did not enjoy this either.

Jesus H Christ, 4 hours? Seriously? Snyder was probably afraid if he broke it up into two parts, the WB might backtrack on him again.

I didn’t want to watch this movie. My mother did, she was moved by Snyder’s story of his daughter passing away, and honestly I do feel for him there. Anyone who wouldn’t drop everything after a tragedy is a soulless jerk. Or Whedon.

I read a few other reviews about this monolithic film and they varied from praising it as a masterpiece of cinema to mediocrity at its finest in a world that panders to the audiences when a movie doesn’t end a way they like.

While I was watching this movie I was told to keep my comments to myself; so I hand wrote out 12 pages of thoughts and one liners. I’ve never gotten a hand cramp from writing so much so quickly in 5 hours. I stopped about an hour into the movie to run to the store to get a bottle of wine. Two bottles. Obviously, there was no way I was going to finish that movie AND stay quiet without a drink.

“Having a party?” The cashier asked as she rang me up.

“Nope I’m just watching the Snyder Justice League.” I mumbled as I fought with the credit card reader to accept my chip card.

“Aw come on.” The barely 17 year old bag boy said. “It’s not that bad.”

“It is if you’re a Marvel fan.” I said quietly and winked at the cashier who giggled at my joke.

SPOILERS AHEAD

You’ve been warned. I will take no prisoners moving forward.

This movie starts with a super blurry slow motion shot of Superman getting killed by Doomsday. When I say super blurry, I mean hella blurry. I thought there was something wrong with my glasses. And the slow motion 360 camera view of the whole thing, it’s an odd opener to be honest.

Then as Doomsday is crying out in pain, the mother boxes start vibrating. In Atlantis. In Themyscira. And in Victor Stone's cluttered closet. I assumed that since Doomsday was brought to life with a mother box it was him calling out and activating them; but no Batman explains later that it’s because Superman died. The boxes registered Superman as a threat and when he died they called out to their master.

So, the other 5000 years that the boxes were on the earth before baby Superman was a twinkle in his fathers eye on Krypton, the boxes were just willingly ghosting Steppenwolf?

Okay, moving on.

After the glimpse at the boxes dropping the bass, we have Batfleck hiking over a mountain to find Aquaman.

Batman wants Aquaman on his team. Aquaman says no. Batman says he’ll pay, you know because his superpower is being richer than God. Aquaman says lol no again and then swims off into the sea.

Then the scene kinda stops dead when these beautiful women start singing as he swims away and Batfleck broods in the background. The song is beautiful, it’s just kinda awkward. It’s like if you’re at a friends house, and they want to show pictures from their vacation but it’s mainly their instagram feed of them doing things like eating, drinking, sitting, and you know other things that they do at home just in another place.

Then one girl gets the jacket that Aquaman tossed aside, and just smells it. I mean, I’d probably do the same thing (Jason freaking MOMOA) but its still kinda awkward. Did she have like a one night stand with him? Did he tell her that he was in love with her? Is she pining for a man she can’t have? Is she a light stalker? I honestly have more questions about her than anything else in this movie.

Anyway, we move on to Bruce getting on a plane with Alfred, and let me just take a moment to say how truly uncomfortable I am with Jeremy Irons playing a servant. He’s the master of Butlers, but he’s just got that voice that you don’t fuck with him. Michael Gough will forever be my Alfred, the true MVP of the 90s.

This whole first part of the movie is just this montage of kinda awkward backstories, and what will Bruce do now?

Jesus Mary Joseph and the Camel.

I can’t break down a four hour movie like this.

Okay, I’m just going to write out some of my comments and you can plug them in to where you think they fit best.

• Oh dear god an opera theme? Really?
• Look, Tarantino style chapters. Great. Really setting this up for disappointment.
• Look at Martha moving on up.
• Lattes with Lois: with a side of depresso
• She goes to the memorial for Superman everyday? WOW. Obviously, Superman did not have a favorite human Nope not at all.
• I see Lord Bolton is still a mega-douche.
• Oh Look, Wonder Woman is already exhausted, since she will be carrying this damn film.
• Ah yes, Themyscira, the best place on earth.
• OH I SEE WE'RE BACK TO THE IRON UNDERWEAR> For f*&%s sake, do you honestly think that women will fight in iron underwear and nothing else? I mean, really? You sick twisted mofos need to actually consult a female before you decide to do this. I am Done.
• RAGE RAGE F*&%ING RAGE
• "I will bath in your fear" why does that sound familiar? Oh yeah BECAUSE THATS A THANOS LINE THAT YOU RIPPED OFF>
• Minion robots?
• No capes.
• "Keep it moving"? You're on an island. Where tf you gonna go?
• Discount Thanos wields lighting?
• Discount Ultron Hive is in Russia? That tracks.
• Cue Batfleck tantrum.
• I need a drink.
• Was that Sony tech? Really? WOW
• IS that janitor really gonna walk into a lab in the middle of the night? Isn't it in the employee manual to not walk into a smoldering lab?
• HR is about to have a bad day
• Here's Diana, carrying the movie again
• IS that the real estate guy from Under the Tuscan Sun?
• "Hi son, how was your day?" "Oh hey dad, just downloaded every database ever; they're all wrong" Okay teenage Ultron. Simmer down now.
• Diana, #NewIndianaJones
• Glorious Momoa with gratuitous slow-motion footage.
• What music is this?
• I am uncomfortable with Dafoes hair
• Steppenwolf giving project updates to the big boss.
• Wow, he is in some serious debt. I wonder if he could declare bankruptcy?
• "The Navy and NASA can't fix this, but I can" Wow, so humble.
• Why does Zeus look like Leoniadas? Also, I'd tap that.
• Te army of men is basically Hawkeye in this war.
• #NotMyAtlan
• They just really left the boxes on Earth? Nobody was like "Did we forget something?"
• LOL really? The Amazons built a fortress for their box, the Atlanteans built a fortress at the bottom of the ocean. And the men were like "here we dig a four foot hole and just leave it"
• Is Barry high?
• Okay, the hot dog was funny
• Oh, another depresso moment
• Mental Illness isn't a joke, but lowkey the Lois character is. Which is a shame because she had potential to be a great female influence and instead we just get...this.
• I feel more for Cyborgs mother than anyone else, other than Diana
• Yes, Cyborg, let's start testing your power with some light stalking.
• Very VERY competitive ice dancing
• obviously
• Suicide Mission? With other people? Potential Friends!
• Alfred being the micro tea manager
• Lets aim this big gun toward the $200K worth of computers, thats fine. Bruce pays for everything anyway.
• Cyborg has access to everything including every font known to mankind and chose serial killer font? Really?
• LANGUAGE!
• wow. "The hottest thing on earth"? they wasted that joke
• Hey its J Jonah Jameson
• Does Meera have an accent?
• She has an accent
• Amber Heard somehow got a British accent?
• Are you even trying at this point?
• IT's a super tech box that is calling via supreme wifi for its master. Its gunsta be found.
• I cant with the accent
• Wait, did Meera just say her parents are dead? They died when she was a kid? But Dolph Lundgren in Aquaman? Did we not have to endure that actor? So, are we going to pretend Aquaman the solo movie never happened? Is that where we're at?
• WHAT IS HAPPENING
• Did all the supers walk up the stairs because Batman can't fly? Rude
• Diana once again carrying the movie.
• Alfred is so happy his tech works
• #ProudButler
• No wonder this is 4 hours, all the damn slow motion
• Now there's an anti-life equation?
• Is Steppenwolf naked?
• Ew
• There's nazis now?
• My eyes just rolled so far into my skull I saw my brain
• Snyder has no respect for continuity
• Wow those are some dark premonitions
• This is the funniest fight scene ever
• I'm not mad at seeing shirtless Cavill, but I feel like there's a shot in there with him still looking like Human Shrek. Or am I in need of anothe rbottle of wine?
• Opening second bottle of wine now. Still not enough to make this movie good
• Lo? Thats the nickname you went with?
• Lame
• About time you called your mother, Clark.
• This is 12% of a plan
• Fortress of Solitude for a costume change
• Its not a phase!
• Goth Phase activated
• Quick Sun bath and then off to fight Discount Thanos
• Montage time
• I hope this is the end
• FLY my pretties FLY
• FFS BRUCE
• Once again Diana saves the day
• Aquaman is so cool, the part where Cyborg catches him in mid air and he shouts "My man!" will always be funny to me. I don't care how cheesy it is.
• We don't have time for more slow motion Snyder
• Clearly Steppenwolf only views Diana as a threat
• Superman straight up said "ya bore me"
• Poor Barry
• Darkseid, like myself, is tired of this shizz
• oh thank god I think this is over
• EPILOGUE?????????
• Fucking hell
• Ew Amber HEard
• with the accent
• I cannot
• You are not King Arthur calm down Bruce
• Dramatic ass Batman
• Where the f*&% is Luther?
• Wait did that not say "For the Criminally Insane"? It's Arkham that's their thing
• The "Emotionally Distressed"? Excuse me?
• The disrespect for continuity
• DEATHSTROKE!!
• OH MOMMA LIKEY
• Oh so now we have the apocalypse?
• AMBER HEARD ACCENT ANNOYS ME SO MUCH
• Ew Joker
• Ew
• EW
• Honestly, I feel like the Joker Monologue added nothing. Absolutely nothing. Zip. Zilch, Nada.
• Are we done yet?
• That was underwhelming
• FINALLY THE END

I have a lot of problems with this movie in general. I had more issues with the Whedon cut, but that is for another article.

All in all, this movie is okay. My bar is pretty low for DC films, and the only movie that exceeded those expectations for me was Wonder Woman.

I understand that if you’re a DC fan, you wanted this cut released. Whedon and Snyder are two very different directors with very different ideas on what to do with this comic universe; and if Snyder says his cut was better, I’d believe him too.

Unfortunately, this still isn’t up to par to what a lot of people expect a comic book based movie to be. I grew up reading Marvel and DC comics, I grew up watching the Justice League and Batman animated series. Those two shows are most definitely in my top five list of shows from my childhood, they were dramatic but entertaining and told phenomenal stories about these heroes facing intense and difficult situations, and they tried to do what they believed was right. They’re not called the Justice League for nothing, and I mean come on the Legion of Doom is just always fantastic.

I am a Marvel fan, I remember watching Iron Man the day it was released and until then comic book based movies were cheesy live-action films you took kids to see. Fantastic Four and the Hulk weren’t movies that anyone took seriously, they were movies that made toys and could be profitable if marketed right.

But sitting in the theater and watching Robert Downey Jr. struggle to not be a hero, but to help people because he thought he had to make amends with what he unknowingly allowed his company to get away with. THAT is character development in its purest form. That is the bar that Marvel has driven towards with every film they created from then on, they didn’t always hit it but you can 100% see the effort that they put into their films.

Unfortunately, aside from the original Wonder Woman movie, I’ve never seen that effort in a DC movie. It has always seemed like they’re trying to do a mad dash to keep up with Marvel but they are not taking the time to actually make a plan. DC just keeps throwing money at people to make a movie but then the studio interferes way too much and they push for a release date to match a Marvel project and while some of their movies have potential to be great, it’s just not executed right.

Wonder Woman has an incredibly layered history, both in its creation and in its comics. So, when DC first announced a Wonder Woman movie, I was wary. Then they got Patty Jenkins as the Director, I hadn’t heard of her before but I was glad they picked a female director. Then, she did an interview and showed some costumes of the Amazons and a photo of Gal Gadot in the Wonder Woman outfit and I just about cried. For the first time, we were getting a Wonder Woman who looked like an Amazon warrior, all the Amazons looked like they were about to go into a Gladiator arena and just OWN IT. They weren’t wearing metal bra and panty sets, they were wearing leather armor that accentuated their muscles, not their boobs. When I finally watched the movie in theaters, my bar was set at the minimum and I was completely blown away. The studio just let Patty take over the movie and she did justice to this character that I grew up idolizing. I cried when I watched Diana storm through No Man’s Land and not kill the germans, she disarmed them, she knocked them out. She was very clearly fighting to stop them, not kill them. She was wrestling with a whole new world where women had a box to live in and she said “no”, and Steve respected that. Do you have any idea how rare that is to see, as a woman? I have always seen movies where if IF there’s a female hero and a regular male love interest, the man always asks to help her in battle. Steve let her fight her way, and he provided back up. When she fights Ares at the end, he doesn’t rush in because he thinks she needs saving, he only runs to her to say goodbye because he knows what he CAN do. A goddess doesn’t need back up, she needs to know that the damage won’t exceed past her fight. His sacrifice provided that for her, she killed Ares to save the world, and Steve was able to stop another town from getting wiped off the map. He saved lives, and she saved the world.

That movie is on par with the first Iron Man to me, the struggle the hero has with what they can do to help the most people in the time that they have; what could define a hero more than that?

I wish DC could live up to that film more often, but they do not. I had hope after Wonder Woman that DC finally realized how to create a great film. They didn’t. It was just the exception that proves the rule.

I wished that I loved Snyder’s Justice League movie, I had high hopes that it would be different and that it would be an example of the greatness DC movies have the potential to be. But it didn’t. It was another example of what happens when ego and money collaborate and take precedent over the story.

DC is not ready for the Infinity War level, they don’t provide a clear build up to that level yet. They can, they have the capability to, they just need to provide the justice that their fans deserve and not what they sign petitions for.