What Dean Winchester Means To Me

Today is the series finale of my favorite show ever. Supernatural has been the biggest and best part of my life. I was welcomed into the family with open arms, treated equally, and it was the first place that I ever felt like I actually belonged. It is the base for my strength, this crazy family of ours. I didn’t know what to expect becoming a fan of this show with these two brothers and an angel fighting evil, but it has been the biggest blessing in my life. There is so much humanity and realism ingrained into this supernatural show, and I didn’t expect to relate to Dean Winchester so much but here we are.

"You don't think you deserve to be saved."

I of course love all three of them, but I resonate with Dean the most. I was the older sibling looking after my little brother, and that is where the resemblance started. Both my mom and step-dad were in the military, my biological dad a deadbeat most of the time, and that left me looking out for my brother. It started right after he was born when I was only eight years old. One of my parents was normally gone training while the other was at the main base, and I was at home taking care of my little brother, Zachary. When both of my parents were home, their PTSD and anger issues often led them to the bar most nights, while I was again taking care of Zach. I remember that one episode where little Dean left the motel for a minute and a monster tried to attack little Sam. There was an instance where I fell asleep while my parents were at the bar late on a school night, and all of a sudden it was all on me of course. They got so mad, just like John did. As we grew older, I always took it as my responsibility to take care of him and watch out for him. I would look at other families and get so jealous, kinda like Dean did with Adam. I would look at their perfect nuclear family and wonder why I never got to have that. I had parents who weren’t there, moving from house to house, my mom and my step-dad and I all sharing a single bed at one point. It was crazy how much I resonated with Dean in those moments.

"...I know how worthless you feel, I know how you look into a mirror and hate what you see."

The amount of relatability between us is insane, where I also have issues with both my mom, step-dad and biological dad. I felt like a toy soldier, doing whatever would make them happy to garner their attention. I forced myself to have the same beliefs, to do whatever to make them happy and proud without ever thinking of myself. The Team Free Will storyline meant everything to me, making your own path no matter how hard it was. I also had to forgive all three of my parents for a lot, if not for them but for me. I had that same situation where I hated them, but I couldn’t help but love them because they were my parents. They got help eventually when my mom retired, too late for me, but just on time for my brother I guess.

"How can you care so little about yourself?"

The feeling of “I don’t matter” has been in my life for as long as I can remember, and seeing Dean go through the same feelings, although we all know that he mattered so much, it was like seeing myself in a mirror. Feeling like a disappointment, letting down all of your loved ones constantly. Seeing Dean battling the same emotions that I was, it felt like I had a friend and that I wasn’t so lonely after all in how I was feeling. I just kept on messing up, letting people down, and at the same time I saw Dean also going through that. I just have never related to a character so much in my life, and I watch a lot of TV and movies. Whenever he “failed”, they always ended up winning and that made me realize that I still had more to live for, that there was always that chance of coming through the other side of whatever dark cloud I was going through at the time. I didn’t care about my life, and I wasn’t actively aiming a gun to my head or cutting myself, but I wasn’t driving slow in the snow, I wasn’t taking care of myself, I took the more risky approach, and if I had to sacrifice myself for a stranger the next minute I wouldn’t have had to think about it. I would have been okay with it. Dean Winchester saved my life, and I found my own way of helping people by going to a school to help me become an EMT.

"If there is a God out there why would he give a crap about me?"

I felt less alone with Dean Winchester in my life. I was inspired to keep fighting, to keep going, no matter how tired, beat down, or alone I felt. I finally had someone to look up to, who was going through the same things, I just wasn’t fighting vampires and demons. I was fighting my own demons though, and I kind of channeled Dean when I was, asking myself what would Dean do? And the answer was always to keep fighting, because while we both will feel like we can’t go on anymore, we always fight through, somehow, someway. Thank you Dean Winchester, and thank you Jensen Ackles.