The Ultimate Quarantine Binge List

Let's do a recap of last month's episodes, shall we?

Basically every store shut down, you lost your job and now you're home getting fat off snacks and annoying the fuck out of your pets because you ran out of things to do and/or the motivation to do them.

Now that we're all caught up, let me let you in on a little secret. It's a juicy one. This is piping hot tea. You ready?

YOU DON'T NEED TO BE DOING ANYTHING!!!

Stop feeling guilty for just sitting around. You don't need to be starting a side business on Etsy or writing the next great American novel or figuring out how to get rich quick. That's the American 21st century culture speaking; that feeling that we always have to be hustling to make money or to be somebody. That's the devil and we don't listen to the devil. Stop letting Karen make you feel bad for not taking this time to do something extraordinary. All we do is hustle and overwork ourselves, whether it be with school or work and everything in between. Take this time to just reeeeelaaaaxxxx.

If there was ever an appropriate time to just sit on our ass in a blanket burrito covered in snacks all day, this is our time y'all. Not to say it's never not appropriate. I've mastered the art of binge watching. You can say it's a real hobby of mine.

It's 2020-- cable is stupid and most people don't pay for it anymore (me being one of them). There are soooo many streaming services: Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, Disney+ and Youtube TV just to name a few. Lucky for you, I have all of those. Why is this lucky for you? I'm glad you asked. Since I am a binge watching connoisseur, I have concocted a list. No. The list. The ultimate quarantine binge list.

I will not be telling you what to watch on Disney+ because you should binge EVERYTHING on there. duh.

Currently Trending

1. All American

This show can be found on Netflix. It's based on true events of a high school boy who lives in Crenshaw, "the hood", but he is a football star. A Beverly Hills football coach takes him under his wing, therefore transferring schools to have a better opportunity of making it big for him, his single mom and little brother. That isn't juicy. The juiciness leaks from the relationship and friendship drama, the school rivalry, the scandals, and all the cliche rich white kid stuff. There are 3 seasons of it, all episodes about 40 minutes long, so enough to keep you occupied for awhile.

2. Tiger King

This is a Netflix original. I personally didn't think it lived up to the hype, but clearly a lot of people do so that's why it made the list. Consider this the people's choice. It's about a gay tiger zoo owner with 2 not gay husbands that hate that bitch Carole Baskins. It's just a documentary, so it won't take long to get through.

3. Too Hot to Handle

This is another Netflix original. If you want a totally pointless, yet riveting show to watch, this is it. This was the dumbest, yet awkwardly addictive show I have ever watched. I really felt smarter after watching this, or maybe I lost brain cells, it's unclear. This show is about a bunch of girls and guys stuck on an island thinking they're gonna get their freak on until Lana (the talking lamp?) tells them there is no sexual activity or intimacy allowed. Whoever follows the rules, gets $100,000. Seems easy, right? Ehhhhhhh. But what is better than a brain sucking reality competition show? Literally nothing, so just go watch it.

4. Love is Blind

I don't know why, but Netflix has come out with A LOT of dating/reality shows lately. This is about girls and boys who go on blind dates in their respective pods all day. They have like 10 days to make a connection and get engaged, then they can finally meet. They go on vacation, meet their families, plan a wedding and then decide at the ALTAR if they say I do or I don't. THE SUSPENSE.

Oldies but Goodies

1. Grey's Anatomy

Seasons 1-15 are on Netflix and the current season, 16, is on Hulu. This needs no explanation. Everyone knows what Grey's is about, and if you don't then stop reading immediately because I refuse to be associated with you. The best part is that once you're done binging, there are more episodes coming because this show will never end. I've watched the series over probably six times? And I might do it again.

2. Friday Night Lights

Go to Hulu or Amazon Prime for this one. This is about a small town Texas community that is obsessed and fueled forward by football. The first episode is full of drama that propels the rest of the series, and it is sure to suck you in. It's a perfect binge worthy show with a significant other.

3. Breaking Bad

You'll need Netflix for this show. It's about a school teacher who gets cancer and wants to assure his families future if he passes, and he does so by cooking meth? I don't think I need to say more. Once you finish that, watch El Camino on Netflix. It's a movie that shows what happens after the series finale.

4. Gossip Girl

Find this revengeful show on Netflix. I'm actually binging this one now for the third time. It's about rich Upper East Side teens and the two Brooklyn outsiders. It's packed full of drama, scandals, sex, schemes, and an endless catalog of looks SERVED.

Spotted: S & B are at it again. Will B end up with Chuck? Will S ever get her act together? Or will she forever be a fallen Manhattan angel? Only time will tell. XOXO Gossip Girl

5. Gilmore Girls

You can find this on Netflix. This is a perfect series to binge if you're quarantined at home with mom or sister. Or alone because I.. did.. It's based on a mother and daughters journey through life together. Name a better duo than Rory and Lorelai, I'll wait.

6. Shameless

This whole list would be garbage if this gem wasn't included. You can watch this on Hulu and Amazon Prime only if you subscribe to and pay extra for Showtime. If you already have that, great. If you don't, you can find it for free on Netflix. The Gallagher's are your everyday dirty, poor, drug selling, sex crazed, Russian prostitute loving, southside living, bipolar having, gentrification fighting, down to earth family.

7. Parenthood

This can be found on Hulu. It follows the lives of siblings and their respective families. It's your typical family show full of real life problems, learning right and wrong, love conquers all type of stuff. I'm making it sound pretty lame, but I promise it's really good. It has the Bingers Stamp of Approval.

Reality Garbage

1. Keeping Up With the Kardashians

I know what you're thinking, but I'm a sucker for a good brain guzzling reality show. And this one has like 42 seasons, so it's perfect to binge watch-- forget about you're sad couch potato life and pretend you are part of the Kardashian-Jenner clan. Go to Hulu or Youtube TV to watch this.

2. The 90 Day Fiance Collection

There's the original, Before the 90 Days, Happily Ever After, The Other Way, What Now, and the newest versions Pillow Talk and Self-Quarantined. They're really cashing in those checks at TLC. You can watch the first three on Hulu and all of them on Youtube TV. The shows are just what they sound like-- a sucker finding a lover in a far away, never heard before country and propose marriage. Then have 90 days to get married or get booted back to their home country. Some are actually in love, but some are just HORRID. You've seen Rose and Big Ed all over social media. The spin-offs show different couples and some of your favorite couples. BUT there is a strategic way to watch all of these:

• 90 Day Fiance: seasons 1-4
• 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After: seasons 1-3
• 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days: binge it all, sis
• 90 Day Fiance: What Now: not super interesting, but if you're curious watch at this point
• 90 Day Fiance: The Other Way: binge it all, sis
• 90 Day Fiance: seasons 5 and 6
• 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After: season 4
• Self-Quarantine and Pillow Talk can be viewed however at this point.

3. My 600 lb Life

If you're feeling down about the Covid-19 (like the freshman 15) you've gained while on lock-down, watch this. I am not in any way shaming the people on this show, but you'll feel like a goddamn supermodel after one episode. You'll start hearing Dr. Nowzaradan's voice every time you open the fridge, look in the pantry, think about eating that leftover pizza at 3 am. Go to Hulu or Youtube TV to get inspired.

You're not hungry, you have 850 pounds of food in you! You could have lost tirty pounds dis munt. I not be the one to sign your death certificate. The scale does not lie, people do. Stop making excuses!

4. Jersey Shore

Cabs are here! And they're taking you to the jersey shore. Grab your t-shirt, your self tanner, your taylor ham/pork roll, and your remote and flip to Hulu for this crew. You'll learn valuable lessons like how to extract grenades, beat the beat up, pee behind a bar at the club, snatch a guido, etc.

5. Botched

You will need Youtube TV. This show is about two Beverly Hills plastic surgeons. They see some normal patients that get into weird accidents that leave them deformed and they see complete freaks that want KKK titties or want boob implants in their skull or people who have spent their lives under the knife to look like a bratz doll. You can also binge the spin-off, Botched by Nature.

6. Dr. Pimple Popper

Check it out on Hulu or Youtube TV. It's gross and weird and might make you throw up, so it's definitely worth it. It's about much more than just pimples. She pops the biggest, nastiest, coolest shit ever. Some look like cottage cheese, some like oatmeal. If you always catch yourself watching those disgusting videos on Facebook that are like "Popping the most ginormous pimple in the WORLD" where it squirts everywhere and is never ending, but you can't seem to look away-- this is for you.

90's Baddies

1. Sex and the City

The baddest baddie, the HBIC, that bitch. Get on Amazon Prime for the whole series. This show navigates the friendship and lives of 4 ladies: the fashionista, the sex addict, the hopeless romantic, and workaholic. They all balance each other and has what the other needs. It's funny, it's emotional, it's empowering, it's sexy.

2. Full House

Your favorite family can be found on Hulu. Everyone knows this show. It's the show that was always playing at 7 am while you ate your cereal when you got ready for school when you were 9. Danny is a hugging goofball, Jesse is hot, Steve is hot, Michelle was too goddamn cute and Becky was everyone's wannabe aunt. It's even more intriguing to watch it now knowing what we know: Danny is a horny weirdo, Jesse is still hot, Michelle looks a hot mess, and Becky is a stereotypical millionaire that bribes universities so her daughter can attend.

3. Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

She is also on Hulu. If you don't already know, this is about young Sabrina figuring out how to get through school, love, friendships, and life with her new found witchy powers. She has help from her witch aunts whom she lives with, Zelda and Hilda. All the while, her cat Salem, who used to be a person, tries to find ways to take over the world.

4. Saved by the Bell

You'll find this on Hulu. It's about an unconventional group of friends: the jock, the geek, the cheerleader, the spoiled rich girl, the valedictorian, and the fuckboy. It was the 90's so it's chock-full of real life problems and valuable lessons.

Deep Dark Scaries

1. How To Get Away With Murder

Another one of Shonda's masterpieces. You can watch most of the series on Netflix, but for this seasons episodes you'll need Hulu. Unless you're okay with waiting an agonizing year until Netflix decides to upload the episodes.. Anyyyywho, it's about a law school teacher that chooses a group of students to be on her law team who end up being friends by getting into a lot of criminal shit. Friends who murder together, stay together??? It's literally the most suspenseful, dramatic show with so many twists and turns that it will keep you sucked in and guessing until the very end.

2. You

This is a Netflix original. Penn Badgley plays a charming, awkward, hopeless romantic named Joe. It all seems PG until his sinister, obsessive side is revealed. He looks normal. He could never be a KILLER. He's like a modern time Ted Bundy. It's basically about how far a white man can go without getting caught.

3. Your Worst Nightmare

This is on Hulu. It's that jump out of your seat, creepy true crime show. Each episode is based on a real case. There are re-enactments of your worst nightmare come true. There's commentary from friends and family, investigators, law enforcement and, for the lucky ones, the survivors. It's bone chilling and so addicting.

4. Unbelievable

This is another Netflix original about a girl and serial rapist on the loose. The show follows law enforcement investigating to find the douche hurting all these ladies. One girl, the main girl, has a separate path. She goes to the police after her attack, then she takes it back and says she was lying, then she goes back and said that was a lie, and yeah. You just need to watch it.

Light-hearted Fun

1. Scrubs

This can be found on Hulu and Amazon Prime. Another doctor show, but it is not like the rest. It's sure to make you laugh yet make you completely invested in JD's life with Turkleton and Elliot. Light-hearted, sentimental, and funny. The type of show that every episode isn't connected so if you zone out, it's okay. There is an underlying story line, of course.

2. Impractical Jokers

If you just want a good laugh at some stupid shit, turn this on. Go to Youtube TV for this. Or if you're a psychopath and still have cable, then the show is literally on all day everyday on truTV. It's about 4 grown men who have been friends since high school that play pranks on each other just to humiliate one another. Every episode is different and stupid and hilarious.

3. Parks and Recreation

You can find this on Hulu, Netflix, and Youtube TV. This show is filmed as a "mockumentary", similar to The Office if you've seen that. But way better than The Office. COME AT ME. It's about the city's Parks and Recs office workers and their wackiness. The episodes are short and highly hilarious. The characters and their development are top-notch. You've never heard of anyone say Parks and Rec sucks and there's a reason for that.

4. Santa Clarita Diet

Another Netflix original, but Netflix did her dirty. It was about a mom, Drew Barrymore, who basically turns undead and has to kill and eat human flesh to survive. It sounds gory and gross, but, trust me, it's a comedy. Just as it was getting good, IT WAS CANCELED. Just because it was prematurely and selfishly canceled doesn't mean it's not worthy of being on the list.

5. Awkward

Head over to Hulu or Amazon Prime. It's your run-of-the-mill high school show full of sarcasm, sex, drama, mystery and dirty jokes. It starts off at high-speed with the main character, Jenna, accidentally breaking her arm and a rumor goes around that it was her trying to kill herself. DUNDUN. You follow Jenna on her journey of being an outsider and self-sabotage. You're welcome.

Dramaticals and Co.

1. Jane the Virgin

You can watch this Americanized Telenovela on Netflix. The series begins with Jane, our leading lady, going to her yearly gyno appointment and accidentally gets inseminated instead of getting a pap smear. You can imagine her shock and disbelief when she has all the symptoms of being pregnant but is a VIRGIN. Straight out of a telenovela! And if that's not enough, Rafael is hot as fuck.

2. Younger

This show is on Hulu. Hilary Duff is in it. Oh.. you need more? Uh okay.. It's about a 40 year old recently single mom that is pushed back into the workforce, but how? She's old and undesirable.. So she does what any right-minded woman would do and pretends to be 26 to get the job she wants. Things get pretty complicated after that. And funny.

3. Atypical

Netflix has some pretty rad original shows. It's such a breath of fresh air. It follows a teenage boy who happens to be on the spectrum that suddenly decides he is ready to date. Mom is overprotective, dad is laid-back and open minded, and his sister is a sarcastic bad bitch. Through the drama, betrayal, and struggles, it is truly heartwarming.

4. Hart of Dixie

You can find this on Netflix. Follow a big NYC doctor as she accepts a job offer down south to discover something crazy when she moves. She tries her hardest to adjust to country living and to get the small town folks to accept a "city slicker". When she decides to try to fit in, she meets some incredible people along the way. Incredible people always come with DRAMA and BAGGAGE and CRAZINESS. Because it just wouldn't be interesting regardless.

5. Dead To Me

You guessed it: Netflix original! And just in time because the second season airs on May 8th. It's a dark humor comedy about Jen suddenly becoming a widow when her husband was killed in a mysterious hit and run. She goes to support group and befriends Judy who is hiding a secret that could implode at any moment. It's suspenseful and outrageous and shows the funny side of grieving.

6. Teen Wolf

Go to Youtube TV to watch this furry teen drama. If you have seen this, I probably pulled it out of the back crevices of your mind. Sexy Scott goes on a dark walk in the woods one night, gets bit by a mysterious creature, and his life changes furrrrever. How will he handle high school, love, lacrosse, friendship when he spontaneously turns into a werewolf?!

7. Riverdale

Head to Netflix to watch this scandalous, investigatory, drama filled show. The residents of Riverdale are all hiding family secrets, scandals, drugs, gangs, murder. An eclectic group of friends join forces to uncover all of it's deep, dark secrets and make the town of Riverdale safe for everyone. Will they do it?

If you're favorite show didn't make the list, that means it sucks. Just kidding. You can binge that, if you want.. but what I just gifted you, this ultimate list, is pure gold. You will not be disappointed. And if you are, just go watch your shitty show that didn't make the list.

Stay safe and happy watching!