The Humor in Infomercials

It was late at night. I couldn't sleep. So, I decided to watch television. I must've flicked through more than one hundred channels and found nothing. So, I back track down the dial and realized that most of what was on were infomercials! Infomercials everywhere! It was like a Hitchcockian film! I was swarmed with ads for things that I am not even sure if they are real.

At this point, it was nearing three a.m. I don't know about you, but at three o'clock in the morning I am not looking to buy anything. I am also not usually fully coherent at three a.m.

Some things that people invent are insane! For example, spray-on hair. What's the guy supposed to do if it rains or is this permanent paint? Excuse me sir, but your hair is dripping down your face! With that stated, he made millions!

Don't get me wrong, some of the products sold on television are definitely worth your money, but then again, there are a few that we wish would go away. Do you ever realize the people they use in weight loss commercials do not need to lose an ounce of weight? This exercise bike will give you the 2% of body fat you've always wanted! Then, you realize the woman in the commercial has a size two waist and the man is fully ripped.

Then, there are the weight loss products with green tea or hoodia, or both. I still am not sure what hoodia is. The name alone makes me wonder if it's something I pull over my head. It's also never just straight green tea. It's an extract of green tea aka EGCG in pill form. Why not just drink a cup of green tea? I guess that would be too logical.

So, there I am flipping channels and beginning to doze off. I began to think of products that I would try to sell on television through infomercials:

This is a mouth firmer. You stick this piece of plastic in your mouth horizontally. Then you move your mouth like a compass: north, east, west, south. In a few weeks you'll have lips like Mick Jagger.

Do you want a firmer, shapelier buttocks? Well then this product is for you! You take one of these concrete blocks and put them between your butt cheeks horizontally, and then you squeeze! With each block you crush, you lose thirty-five calories. If you call now, you will receive one thousand blocks for only $19.95! BUT WAIT! We'll throw in this butt massager and hemorrhoid cream for free if you order within the next twenty minutes.

Here's the tornado diet. It's not a pill! It's not a drink! What you do is spin round and round until you lose weight or until you screw yourself into the ground and become a lovely lawn ornament. No purchase necessary!

This product is a stain remover! It contains extracts of bee urine, which you simply add to water! It removes stains from vinyl, plastic and your living bra! It's all natural and environmentally safe!

Look folks—another breast enhancer! This one is simply called Another Breast Enhancer. Just rub this specialized cold cream onto your breasts. The next day you will have bigger, firmer breasts, only no one will notice.

Do you like great music? I know I do! That's why you must add the Greatest Hits of Howdy Doody to your music collection! This double CD has Mr. Doody's biggest hits such as “Pulling Strings” and “Don't you Dilly Dally!”

Are your kids into arts and crafts? Well here's seven tubes of glitter you won't be able to get off any surface for several years. The family dog will look like a unicorn threw up on him/her. Order in the next five minutes, and we'll throw in this mini-vacuum cleaner. It won't help.

Speaking of vacuums, this one will cleaning anything on any surface, including pickles on the surface of Mars. It also has an attachable mechanism that converts into a hair clipper. You can either vacuum yourself or give the cat a trim.

Oh look! Another exercise video. Watch Senor Winces as he shows you how to do finger exercises! 'S alright.

Note: I have updated this article. There is an older version on my blog.