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The Champions of Lockdown viewing

Treat your bandwidth to some belters

By Billie Gold Published 4 years ago 7 min read
3
Painting by Robin Eisenberg (@robineisenberg on insta)

Choosing to binge watch a series is a big decision, what we are all basically doing is enjoying a shared delusion that we can control ourselves around our new “favourite thing in the world ever you HAVE to watch it, it will change your life” show.

It's nonsense of course, and I can't do it anymore than you can.

We live in the age of instant gratification, and the days of waiting an entire week to see what happens to your favourite people on the telly box are over. We all know we are going to mainline that show so hard, that before we know it'll be just after 3am on the sofa wearing the towel that you had on after your shower 6 hours earlier, but what to watch?

Lick the Dorito dust off your fingers and get your sheet masks ready because I’m going to give you some stellar recommendations, and some of them, dun dun DUN….are not on Netflix, so get your digital hiking boots on.

WINNER FOR AMAZON PRIME:

From 'Tabula Rasa' Season 6 Episode 8

I am unashamedly a fan of very well done cheese, I will not shy away from the fact that I was a super fan of this show back in the day, and it got forgotten for me until a happy reunion in lockdown. I believe that part of binge watching culture is putting something on a screen to keep us company, and while it’s awesome to find current things to watch, sometimes we need something in bed with us that just makes us feel more like ourselves.

Speaking plainly Buffy was the first show I watched as a teenager that did stuff to my ahem...lady bits, and I truly believe that's why it has such a cult following. For those who haven't seen it, it boasts a cast of truly gorgeous and yes some PAINFULLY awkward actors, which somehow manage to make it even more endearing, and if you have seen it I bet as soon as I mentioned it that you searched where to watch it.

Buffy the vampire slayer, the queen of the show was who I wanted to be as a kid (turns out I’m willow badum tishhh), puns her way through hoards of demons, vampires, and evil dooers with her group of friends and saves the world from the apocalypse at least four times at last count.

The humour in Buffy is in no way delicate, personally I think its really fresh to watch something that doesn't reach high for jokes, and just lets itself be stupid.

It was also the very first time I had ever seen lesbians on screen, a huge step for a little baby gay desperate for some representation, there's even a very riskay episode during the musical episode “once more with feeling”, which as you can imagine got rewound on VHS and replayed so many times I wore the tape out before I turned 13.

The very fact that this has a musical episode makes it my favourite show on earth and I will never tire of it, the spooky campery and spirit Joss Whedeon made this with is what makes it so special, yes the masks are latex and there's penis jokes at every turn, but I challenge anyone to watch it and not feel like a teenager ready to save the world.

There's a new demon to fight every episode, and a couple of “boss characters” like Glory in season 5, which makes for really brilliant pacing alongside the sexual tension, magic, and very sneaky but very well dealt with side avenues, (addiction and death are touched on rather a lot, but dealt with in a really charming and uplifting way).

It's one of the very few programs that has actually aged very well in terms of female empowerment, and its message at times is super important, you wont find a simpering girl as the protagonist here. The last episode (which I won't spoil) is one of the reasons I chose to break out of my shell as a shy teenager and get on the stage. Maybe reliving high school isn't so bad if it's through latex monsters and sexy witches.

WINNER FOR HULU:

I would wager, that everyone watching a movie about murder now is able to spot at least three mistakes. If you cant, then my friend it is time to get your teeth into some forensic files.

About 3 years ago I was the most sick I had every been, I had serious pneumonia, and was in bed for around three weeks, with the added delight of my bathroom ceiling falling down, and having workmen shuffle into my dark bedroom with nothing but the laptop light on, and sweating through my sheets, asking me if I needed anything from the pharmacy, thanks Gary, you're a gentleman.

Forensic files came to the rescue in my pit of despair and coughing. Not only is this a fabulous and extremely comprehensive look at murder cases solved by forensic scientists, (There are literally hundreds of episodes), the guy who narrates it I swear was my lifeline for the best part of a month.

I know its not exactly the norm to fall asleep to a guy describing how a wife hatcheted her husband to death and blamed in on her daughter but to me somehow it was soothing. Since there are so many episodes its easy to drift in and out, you don't really miss anything, but its gripping enough to get you shovelling popcorn into your mouth at an alarming rate trying to decipher who killed the gardener.

Some of the cases in this are truly remarkable, and its sure to have you yelling at your TV sure of who committed the crime. Its enough to keep you fascinated but also leave you enough room to have on “in the background” if you've got stuff to do. I was devastated when it came off Netflix because it was truly my Go To if I couldn't find anything to watch or I wanted a little dose of murder for a TV nightcap, but I managed to find it on Hulu. I strongly suggest you watch a little and I promise you'll be hooked after episode 1.

WINNER FOR NETFLIX :

Ahhhh the worlds streaming champion, most of us cant even remember the days when trekking down to blockbuster to get a DVD and a bag of popcorn was a thing, and yes while Netflix is a thing of beauty, it can also be a crushing time suck ESPECIALLY if you have someone indecisive sitting next to you.

I'm not really a huge cooking show devotee, I didn't even technically put this show on when I got hooked, it was a beautiful little accident that inspired me to start baking WAY before Miss Rona came and started the banana bread revolution.

Zumbo’s just Deserts is a cooking show that blends traditional time trailed creativity and technical tests, but with a huge difference, namely,

The guy who runs it is insane.

I watch this show with complete disbelief sometimes as he unveils a floating melting magical whatever cake that takes your blood pressure and calls your mum for you, and asks two terrified home cooks to make it.

Yes this is a dessert, and yes the contestants had a breakdown making it.

Its a show that impresses me every time, and instead of the usual confidence I have for people going head to head in these kinds of things, I am genuinely concerned that someone is going to have a nervous breakdown trying to recreate one of these pieces. For a person that likes competitive shows or cooking shows this is an absolute must watch.

I guarantee you’ll never hear the words “what the hell is that” used more, or find a show that has more innovative challenges like this. The Australian born Zumbo has also released a couple of cook books if you fancy taking masochism into the kitchen and yelling at a frozen jelly.

Cooking shows tend to soothe people,and while yes the cooking is very pretty on this particular program, you’ll find yourself rooting for people like they were about to win a million dollars, and absolutely hating certain cooks and mentally trying to make their flans not set, (you suck Daniel, you have to watch this so you can hate him with me).

So there you have it, a campy and kitsch show about an angsty vampire slayer, some extremely unsettling murders, and a cooking show so tense it'll have you waving a rolling pin at the pot plant you're in lockdown with. Have fun kids, and remember binge watching saves lives.

tv
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About the Creator

Billie Gold

A human woman, apparently

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