Texas Mom Says Hell Can Be Unleashed Through Her TV

Texas mother Jamie Gooch (yes, her real name), made a startling revelation this week that you and I need to heed: Witches, demons, Hell, and eternal damnation await if you use the Disney + App on your TV. Don’t tempt the fates, this Evangelical Christian has discovered a portal to Hell through her television.

While we’re not yet sure if this is true in all regional markets, evidently in Texas, you can be tortured, possessed, and sent to Hell because you’re watching a sequel to an almost 30-year-old PG-rated Halloween movie. The horror! Save the children!

There was some debate as to whether or not the original Hocus Pocus movie from 1993 wasn’t rated correctly. It had minimal scenes of violence and almost no gore. It did however have a few sexual innuendos that had some parents up in arms about its PG rating.

God forbid, kids hear anything inappropriate or laugh at innuendos. Christians tend to prefer that their kids aren’t aware that they own a set of genitals. Some refer to such body parts as their “Bathroom Tools”. This tends to make for a confusing honeymoon night when they get married at ages 18 and 16 in Texas.

We reached out to Bette Midler and Sarah Jessica Parker for commentary about Mrs. Gooch’s theory of demonic possession being likely to occur by watching Hocus Pocus 2. Their reps said they were unavailable for comment, as they were busy having a threesome with Satan himself. This will be followed by plans for baby and toddler sacrifices directly thereafter.

I’ve conducted some research for this article about television and Evangelical Christians. I’ve read countless news articles and technical specifications about TV technology. What I’ve found may be shocking to some readers. Proceed at your own risk.

“In most cities today, cable television providers deliver signals over coaxial or fiber-optic cables for a fee. Signals can also be delivered by radio from satellites in geosynchronous orbit and received by parabolic dish antennas, which are comparatively large for analog signals, but much smaller for digital.

Like cable providers, satellite television providers also require a fee, often less than cable systems. The affordability and convenience of digital satellite reception have led to the proliferation of small dish antennas outside many houses and apartments.”

As you can see from the quotes above, there is currently no technology available that allows Hell and demonic possession into your living room. Mrs. Gooch has been ill-informed about the Devil’s master plan to take over the world and eat her children.

We asked Mrs. Gooch some questions, via a telephone call. She wouldn’t agree to a Zoom call, as she was worried about becoming educated through her laptop. When asked where she came up with the idea of pay-per-view demonic possession options being included in her cable TV family plan, she had this to say:

“Well, Truth Social and Parler are full of these theories. Trump supporters like myself and my husband are good Christian folk. At least the white ones are. I don’t trust marginalized groups, like minorities or the queer community. Even if they do watch Fox News 24–7, they could be Satanic moles.”

“I don’t believe in the liberal media who will tell you that any kid movie is ok to watch. They don’t know the science behind television broadcasting and demonic possession. I mean, I don’t know it either. But at least I’m an honest Evangelical Christian who is only looking out for my children’s eternal souls.”

We attempted to explain the science of how television broadcasting actually works to Mrs. Gooch, but we quickly ran out of crayons and paper. The puppet show we attempted to use to demon(angel)strate how things actually work was cut short when she told us one of the female puppet’s dresses was cut too low. She refused to host a Jezebel puppet in her good Christian home.

Being that nothing has ever been transported through a television in the history of planet Earth, we are confident in saying that Jamie Gooch’s portal to Hell theory is total bullshit and hilariously ignorant. This woman and people like her truly should remove their heads from their asses. Perhaps they might want to read a science book instead of the Bible for a week or two.

But they won’t. They will cling to their fairy-tale beliefs about Jesus and the Devil, about Heaven and Hell. They will continue to scare the living daylights out of their small children and teach them that almost any enjoyable aspect of life comes with the possibility of demonic possession, idol worship, and a one-way ticket straight to Hell.

Their children will likely have scary dreams and much guilt associated with anything pleasurable in life. This will be short-lived, however. Once they take further science classes in junior high and discover masturbation. Then they’ll roll the dice on the idea that burning in Hell is a complete farce.

As they continue to educate themselves through high school and college, they will tire of the “Hocus Pocus 2 is Turning My Child Into a Demon” narrative. They will tire of hearing their parents constantly yelling at their TV during Fox News. They will see the hypocrisy of worshipping Donald Trump.

They will realize their parents are a couple of ignorant twits and move in the opposite direction of their hypocritical, Evangelical beliefs. They’ve watched hundreds of hours of Fox News with their parents without turning into an orange, obese, Oompa Loompa former president. Their haircuts remain exponentially better than that bloated, ignorant choad.

They haven’t been affected by a blonde US Representative nutjob shooting wild pigs from a helicopter when not being an active serial fornicator. If Mrs. Gooch’s theory was correct, Marjorie Taylor Greene should be coming at them from the TV with an AR-15, ready to fire. You can’t have it both ways.

So lay off the witches. Hocus Pocus 2 is the number one original movie ever for views after three days on Disney +. I haven’t seen any reports of the gates of Hell being opened through living rooms all over the world. Even in Texas or the Deep South. &:^)