Superman: Planes, Trains, and the Death of Consent

Growing up Superman was my favorite movie. You know, the one that was made in 1978 and starred the almighty Christopher Reeve. My tiny little mind unburdened from media criticism and fascist ideology was completely enamored with the lore of an alien crash landing on Earth and saving the puny dumb little Earthlings in his fancy red cape. I never even touched the comics, I loved Superman based purely on Christopher Reeve’s performance.

It's been a rough few months so I decided to revisit this beloved childhood movie to see if it was as good as memory serves. SPOILER ALERT; it was the best thing I have seen in my entire life. Nostalgia was completely in the driver's seat. Does this movie use sexual harassment as a joke? YES! Does this movie have some of the most cringe-worthy scenes ever directed? YES! Does this movie cater purely to ten-year-old cis/het boys! YES! But it sincerely has some of the best acting and the music score alone could bring me back from the dead.

Let’s journey now together, through time and space, tearing this beloved movie to shreds chronologically. (And if you’ve never seen this movie, hot tip, you can just watch the intro to Superman 2 because it is literally just a summary of Superman 1).

The movie opens with a comic book being flipped by an invisible hand explaining the concepts of a city and journalism. “The Daily Planet . . . whose reputation for clarity and truth had become a symbol of hope for the city of Metropolis” Bleck. Can we agree this is the WORST way to being a movie? It's so dull and hard on the propaganda. It makes me feel like I just got boned by Uncle Sam, no thanks! No wonder I don’t remember this bit. Not to fear though! This isn’t the REAL start to the movie. Just hold on to your pants.

The real start to the movie is WORDS FLYING THROUGH SPACE!!! It's our favorite way to start a movie! We did not get this idea from Star Wars (which was made the year before)! I’m honestly crying I’m so excited, John Williams outdid himself with this score. (We stole him from Star Wars too! Wow!)

Now that we have taken a seven-minute trip through space we land on Krypton. This brings up so many unintended questions, right off the kebab. Krypton is an ice planet. How do they produce food? How do they heat themselves? How did any life evolve on here? Did life evolve here, or did they have to flee their previous planet because they ran it into the ground (wink wink, nudge nudge) and had to settle for a giant ball of ice? Why is everyone white? Don’t ask! It doesn’t matter!

Jor-El (aka Daddy Krypton aka Marlon Brando aka Daddy Godfather) is going full Atticus Finch on three criminals wearing very tasteful leather suits, which would be more impressive if he wasn’t just carrying around a glass tube? Like, having watched this movie before I know Krypton uses these glass tube “crystal” things as “technology”, but if this was my first time I would have been so confused. What does the tube do Jor? Don’t ask! It doesn’t matter.

“These are matters of undeniable fact,” Jor says. Lol, what matters? OK Jor, have fun with your tube.

Also, balls-out move to set up the sequel in the first five minutes. I know this from watching all four movies zillions of times, but it's kind of strange if you don’t know why these three criminals are being shown.

Like father like son hair curl. I dig it.

The criminals are being held by some revolving hula hoops. What are the revolving hula hoops going to do? Get an exhausted parent to promise $10 to a local charity for every half hour you don’t let them fall? And what is with the leather outfits? Very scandalous, it reminds me of something Freddie Mercury would wear, so naturally, I approve. Side note, these guys aren’t fun, the main guy yells a lot about how he wanted to commit a fascism. This is the worst 80’s music group.

Daddy K just walks away calmly as Evil Freddie Mercury screams at him and then out of nowhere a mirror spins through the air and swallows the three criminals because apparently, that is how advanced societies deal with fascism. Where did the mirror come from and how did it know what to do? Don’t ask! It doesn’t matter!

The audience gets whiplash as Jor-El is now telling a room full of disgruntled white people that their planet is about to explode in 30 days, but everyone is like “Nah man it’s a party don’t spoil the mood”. (Side question, what is Jor-El’s job? Lawyer? Scientist? Statesman? All of the above, like some sort of renaissance man?) If this society is so advanced, how could they not agree with the scientific fact that their planet is about to explode? Aren’t they supposed to be one with science or something? Or is Marlon Brando the only smart person here? (Spoiler alert, Daddy K is the only smart person on this planet).

Ignoring that the most advanced society is entirely white, what a truly colossally bad system of government. If you don’t agree with the council we will bully you? No need for debate or healthy caution to preserve life, we are right and you are wrong. This is something I would expect from Vatican Cardinals, not people that discovered how to make crystals do more than look pretty. Succumbing to the bullies Daddy K is like “yeah OK my wife and I will stay” BUT HE DOESN’T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HIS SON BECAUSE HE IS SOOOO SMART!!!

Daddy K sets up some strange modern art sculpture that will turn out to be a spaceship big enough to fit a baby Superman. Mommy K shows up with the baby and is like, “our son will be alone” which is a totally fair parental concern but Marlon Brando is like “no emotions, we put baby in the crystal space ship and he will live”. I love the cryptic descriptions they give of Superman’s extraordinary abilities to come. “He will defy their gravity”. He will fly, just say that.

The director really got Marlon Brando and then said “don’t act”. The lack of emotion he shows when putting his only son in a space basket to send him out on the river space is shocking. (Said in a John Mulaney impression,) “Put the boy in the spaceship”. Brando just goes on putting crystals randomly around the spaceship, making it look even more like an intense holiday decoration. If this was around today you just know Kim K would definitely put baby Superman’s spaceship in her living room for Christmas dinner.

Naked baby butt! Emotionless kiss on head! We’re only Mosesing you across 28 galaxies and we all are about to die! Goodbye son!

Now naked baby gets to spin through space listening to his father’s disembodied voice talk about physics and how dumb Earthlings are, what a great start to your young life! Jor-El cryptically says, “you will carry me inside you, all the days of your life” God I hope not.

NOW IS A GREAT TIME TO REMIND THE AUDIENCE THAT SUPERMAN IS A GOD ANALOGY.

The dumb council dies for their sins of not coming to Marlon Brando's daughter’s wedding. Krypton is breaking and everything is sliding around, people are running for their lives, but Mommy and Daddy K are calm and walk hand in hand (to where? Where is there to go? Why are you two so calm???). The light is now red to show the complete terror of a planet melting at an alarming rate (imagine if this was a global warming analogy instead!) It is so satisfying to watch all of the bullies die horrendous terrifying deaths. Just kidding. It’s awful.

Just a thought, why not make a spaceship for your whole family? No one would have noticed while the planet was exploding that you got away, and more importantly they couldn’t do anything after. Do none of y'all lie? I know that Superman never lies and he got all of his good morals from his Super dad but like, could you not even lie once to save your whole family?

Back in the baby spaceship, now that the planet is finally exploded, we hear more of Daddy K’s disembodied voice. “It is forbidden for you to interfere with human history!” Okay, but like what is interfering? Because Superman just being on Earth is an interference, right? They wouldn’t have a flying alien without you and that seems pretty interferency.

Space ship finally makes it to Earth! Does this mean that Superman is actually millions of years old? That’s hot. And literally hot because the spaceship burnt up when it hit the atmosphere and all of the pointy crystals got singed off. Martha and Johnny-I’m-Too-Old-For-A-Personality Kent are driving along just as the spaceship crashes into a Kansas cornfield! Their car gets busted! Perfect timing!

Full-on naked toddler!

Developmentally I’m surprised the kid is okay. He seems nice. He can lift a car.

Momma Kent and Daddo Kent decide to take home naked toddler Superman because they have always wanted a kid. Is this how you get kids when God doesn’t magically grant you one? They name him Clark. Swell.

Fast forward to Superman the Teen Years. Teen Clark is so boring. This is probably why I always leave this part out in my memory. He just flirts with Annette O’Toole (before she gets traumatized by an alien clown she flirted with a super-strong alien!) and runs really fast. Cooooool.

In superhero fashion, the patriarch must die for the superhero to take up his superhero mantle. Daddo Kent has a heart attack after telling Clark that he can’t use his powers to impress girls because he has to use them to support American oligarchs.

“All those powers. . . and I couldn’t even save him” Clark cries. Yeah! This is your fault. Old people don’t have health problems. You definitely don’t need therapy.

Teen Clark is mysteriously called by the spaceship (hidden in the barn) in the middle of the night and finds the lone green crystal that Daddy K left him. Then he stands in a field and waits for his elderly Earthing mother to find him so he can tell her that he has to leave to find his destiny. She cries and they hug.

Apparently, Clark’s destiny is at the North Pole. How did he know to go here? Maybe the crystal told him, that makes sense. Wait, don’t ask! IT DOESN’T MATTER.

Side note, Clark is not wearing enough gear to be in a place this cold. I guess Kryptonians are just impervious to cold?

How do you know what to do with the green crystal (that I’m assuming is not Kryptonite because otherwise, you would be dead???). I keep asking, and I really should have learned my lesson by now, so I think this is one of those things you have to let go of for the sake of your sanity and the movie’s plot. But yeah Clark, go ahead and throw that in the water and chia-pet yourself an ice palace.

I spoke too soon. Clark walks right into the ice palace and moves some ice tubes around and his bio daddy magically appears. ONCE AGAIN, HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THE CRYSTALS??? Every question is moot. This is fiction. Suspend disbelief and be in awe of Marlon Brando’s giant floating head.

Daddy K imparts his infinite wisdom through a psychological brain trip through space. This would be a lot easier with some magic shrooms, or acid, or a strategically placed air freshener.

Ooooo! We are getting that cryptic theme again. Don’t interfere with human shit! OOOOOO! Foreshadowing, he might interfere with human shit! OOOOO!

Wow. How nice that Clark gets to skip his 20s. I wish I got to skip my 20s. Imagine getting to take a vacation from that awkward kind-of-child but not-quite-adult faze of growing up. And then BAM you wake up and get a cool new outfit.

Lol Daddy K is like, Earthlings are INCREDIBLY DUMB so they need you. At least he also says we can be nice sometimes? I’m not above taking a bone when it's thrown, even if it is a small and vaguely insulting bone. Yum.

Now Clark gets to just fly off like he hasn’t been tripping his brains out for ten years. Did he know he could fly before? That would have made traveling to the North Pole easier.

Clark Kent needs a job! Even though he already has a job! What is more American than working multiple jobs!? Whatever he is going to work for the Daily Planet. You know! The newspaper that is a beacon for truth and justice! What is more American than a newspaper claiming to stand for truth and justice but really spreads gossip and fear???

Introducing Lois Lane! Lol a journalist that can’t spell, how quaint. Proof that Earthlings are D-U-M-B.

Clark has to pretend that he is a clumsy nerd! You would never guess that under those thick glasses is a 6 foot alien with ABS OF STEEL (coming this summer to a porn theater near you!). Christopher Reeve does such a good job at acting!!! He really makes you believe a tall, deliciously attractive man meal could be so disgustingly undesirable.

Haha, watch Clark struggle to open a bottle and only to have Lois beat it against a table so it sprays all over him. THIS IS NOT A EUPHEMISM.

It only took two seconds for sexism to rear its ugly head. The new guy (Clark) takes job from woman (Lois) who has been doing this job successfully because he can type fast? If she has been getting it in on time I don’t see the problem.

Immediately Clark has to try and get in good with Lois because he is hot for her (and he stole her job! Gee, think she might not want to be friends after that???). Spoiler alert, Lois barely notices him! She could care less!

Lois and Clark get mugged by a man in the alley. Lois is very reasonable and is all “let’s leave” but Clark is like “Nah we should go into the alley with the guy with the gun”. Clark stops two bullets with his bare hands and has to pretend to faint. It's hilarious because men aren’t allowed to faint, that’s a woman’s job. Mugger runs away.

Side question, how did Clark actually succeed? Those bullets wouldn’t have been shot if they hadn’t gone into the alley and the mugger still has the gun so he can theoretically shoot someone else.

Clark tells Lois the exact contents of her purse. He is just good at guessing, he does not have x-ray vision.

The FBI is hot on criminal mastermind Lex Luthor’s trail. They are following Otis, Lex’s very stupid lackey. Just in case you couldn't figure out that Lex Luther was bad, he kills the FBI agent with a whole-ass train. That will keep the cops off his trail!

Fatphobia! Oh good, I was worried we were going to go through a movie without fatphobia. Otis is fat! He’s roughly the same size as Lex Luthor. But he eats all the time! Gross! He must be dumb and a slob!

Lex Luthor wants you to know that criminal mastermind is a job that you can choose! Most people just stumble upon becoming a criminal in search of being able to pay for things like food and hospital bills, but you can make the intentional choice to become an elite criminal. God, I love superhero logic.

Miss Teschmacher, Lex’s other lackey, wants to know “why do people have to die for the crime of the century,” I think this is a great question. But Lex doesn’t seem to think this is as great of a question and responds with non-questions that sound vaguely like bad life observations. “Why does the phone always ring when you’re in the bathtub?” I don’t know. Why are pickles vaguely the same size as hot dogs? Can you simply ask meaningless questions to stun your audience into compliance with your so-called “brilliance”?

Gene Hackman is acting his butt off.

Lex Luthor points out the problems of ownership societies and private property. Honestly, I’m kind of with him on this. Find a train station 200 feet below the city and convert it into a set of apartments for you and your comrades. Lex Luthor, theys and baes, the king of squatting.

Back to the good guys! Journalism is interesting. I think this is the true crime, making a whole generation of children think that going out and writing about the wonders of new parking-lot paint is going to be thrilling.

I pity Lois Lane for being a journalist in a time without computers.

Honest question Clark, if Lois treats you like dirt when you’re undercover, why do you want to date her? She’s only nice when you can fly and lift trains?

Clark just wants a friend! He’s so sweet! Someone share their sandwich with him. It's breaking my heart to watch people ignore him.

NOW we get action! FINALLY. Wouldn’t you know the very helicopter that Lois just happens to be in malfunctions. Thank God Lois is here to scream and the pilot couldn’t just land back down, otherwise, Superman would have nothing to do!

Quick! Everyone stand below the helicopter and point! (You know that’s exactly what people would do too).

Superman takes his sweet time changing. Couldn’t he just strip super fast in the middle of the street? He can turn back the Earth (SPOILER ALERT) but not change fast enough so people don’t notice?

Time for our one Black person with any lines! He’s here to tell us how cool Superman’s outfit is, otherwise we wouldn’t know it's cool! “That’s a bad ouuut fiiit! Whoo!” You’re telling me, dude!

“Don’t worry miss, I got you.” Superman you stud.

“You’ve got me, who's got you!?” lol lol Lois you’re killing me.

The helicopter is coming down, Superman lifts the helicopter, the pilot (who passed out), and Lois to safety with his pinky. All is well, music swells, and Lois faints.

Time to help out the cops! Superman bags a thief. Why not ask why he is stealing, or better yet mind your business? Those diamonds are probably uncovered by tiny hungry Sierra Leonean children who don’t get labor laws and aren’t paid fairly for a company that produces fake scarcity when they have diamonds coming out of every orifice. Diamond companies are the real criminals here. Also, fuck cops.

What’s next!? Oh good! Stop the prisoners escaping jail! You know, jail, the system that was designed to replace slavery and has such poor living conditions that it should be considered an underdeveloped country! What did these men do? No idea, but since they are in jail they obviously deserve to have their human rights stripped. Not to fear, if they were falsely accused they can get out, SIKE! JK! THEY CAN’T.

Oh my god, I forgot that Superman saves a cat. The cat whines like it is annoyed that a flying man saved them. They wanted away from the creepy girl! Oh fuck, I never noticed that the girl’s mom slaps her for telling the truth. Even if she hadn’t, hitting kids is SUPER bad. Where is Superman to dangle the mother over the ocean and make her promise to go to therapy?

Okay, so I’m having an identity crisis because I am relating too hard to Lex Luthor. Flood part of your underground squatdom? Fuck yes. Have a UV lamp (presumably for depression), duh! Giant TV screen? Love it. No notes. They are doing villain shit but I don’t care because I dig their set-up.

Back to the Daily Planet. The editor is like, “Whoever gets this interview (with Superman) will have the biggest story since God talked to Moses,” which, respectfully, wasn’t so much an interview as a dictation but sure. Guess who is going to get the interview. That’s right? Our favorite quirky journalist that can’t spell.

Its night time now and we are at Lois Lane’s apartment. How does Lois afford this apartment with this giant rooftop patio on a journalist’s salary? Convenient for having nighttime flying guests, I guess.

That is one sheer nightdress. Work it, Lois, you know what you want.

Superman shows up and Lois is all, now I can’t speak! I’m so nervous and horny! Superman gets to be very cool and confident. Lois tells Superman not to move, which is very nerve-wracking. What are we, in kindergarten? But Superman digs her being awkward because for him the tables have turned!

Lois invites him to sit down. I am melting at the cape flip when he sits down. I would pay good money just to watch his cape flip for all of eternity.

Oh my god, this is the most sexual thing I have ever watched, it is like watching sexual-innuendo tennis, how did I not notice this as a kid? They are practically slobbering on each other from the start. God, this movie is so straight.

“How big are you?” Awkward pause. Quickly, “How tall are you?” Girl nice save, but we all know what you really wanted to know! Because size definitely DEFINITELY matters.

Superman: “I weigh 200 to 225 lbs”

Lois is like 225 lbs will crush me but I’ll die happy.

Lois: “Well I assume that the rest of your bodily functions are normal?” Such an awkward way to ask “Can you get it up? Can you ejaculate?” HARD-HITTING JOURNALISM, LOIS.

Superman: “Sorry I beg your pardon.” I beg your pardon indeed. The pauses between questions are killing me, these two are so horny!

Lois: “Well putting it delicately...” they lean into each other intensely, “do you eat?” GIRL YES HE EATS! HE EATS PU***!!!

Superman: “Yes. Yes, I do. When I’m hungry.” HE’S HUNGRY FOR PU***!!!

Then Lois goes for the real banger, “WHAT COLOR UNDERWEAR AM I WEARING?”???? LOIS THE MAN JUST GAVE YOU A FREE LUNG X-RAY, I THINK WE KNOW HE CAN TELL WHAT COLOR OF UNDERWEAR YOU ARE WEARING.

Can we just agree that Superman’s abilities would better serve the community by providing free x-rays? Dream with me here folks, Superman becomes Doctor Kent and provides his own ambulance, x-rays, and check-ups, making health insurance companies froth at the mouth. There is less crime because fewer people aren’t having to turn to alternatives to pay for hospital bills. It might sound crazy, but so is having a literal alien come to Earth.

Spoiler alert, her underwear is pink.

Superman: “I like pink very much Lois” I would die if someone looked at me like that. I’m dead right now watching him. This whole scene is too much.

Lois takes a break to be a real journalist for a hot second, with all the delicacy of a crashing freight train and asks Superman why he is here.

Superman: “Fighting for truth and justice and the American way,” well at least he is honest about supporting capitalism and wealth inequality. Also, weren’t you supposed to be helping all Earthlings, not just Americans? Because I have news for you, those two words aren’t synonyms.

Superman asks if Lois is seeing anyone like maybe that cute awkward new reporter and Lois is all, “Clark is nothing” now I have a legit reason to hate Lois Lane. Clark Kent is EVERYTHING. Clark Kent is just a kind boi with a heart of gold and has never done anything to anyone. Is he awkward? Sure. HOWEVER, when a girl is clumsy and awkward it’s cute but a guy always has to be self-assured and belligerent. I call double standards. My new mission in life is to make everyone team Clark. I’m making T-shirts.

Now we get to the worst part. Superman decides to take Lois on an “I-can-show-you-the-world” trip through the sky, which she definitely needed a coat for by the way because he flies her around the sky in her nightdress. That’s got to be fucking cold.

They sail through the sky holding hands and Lois lets go and Superman is so calm and just shrugs like “here we go” as Lois pitfalls towards Earth screaming her head off.

Why is it the worst part? Oh, I don’t know, MAYBE THE HORRIBLE INTERNAL MONOLOGUE POEM LOIS HAS??? IT'S SO CREEPY. WHO WROTE THIS? SOMEONE WHO HATES GOOD WRITING, THAT’S WHO. IT MAKES ME WANT TO VOMIT. I won’t make you read all the horrible things she says, just know it has school house rhymes (quivering and shivering) and is very VERY horny. “You and I could belong to each other.” No thanks, pass.

He can’t read your mind, it's called effective communication. ARE STRAIGHT PEOPLE OKAY????

Imagine the pain of realizing that the person you love only loves part of you. Superman brings Lois home and flies off and seconds later Clark shows up for their “date” and Lois is in another dimension thinking about the flying muscular man in red underwear. Why is he not bothered by this? I guess you could argue that he is pretending to be Clark Kent but he is actually Superman, but I’d argue that both personas that he is pretending to be and the real Clark never gets to come out. But personas, when inhabited long enough, become part of us and someone that doesn’t respect all aspects of our personality isn’t someone that is truly invested in our well-being. Lois is the worst.

Back to our regularly scheduled car flipping. Lex’s lackey, Eve Teschmacher pretends to pass out so the “fat” lackey can reprogram some missile vectors or some shit I don’t understand. This scene makes me want to shrivel up and die because the military man is all “babe is unconscious so time to touch her boobs and kiss her against her will” and it's played off as comedy.

Meanwhile, Lois is interviewing a Native man while driving her car. The man is selling this desert (to Lex Luthor!) and it's all big news. The man calls the desert worthless and laughs. Yes! An American Indian definitely would call the Earth worthless, but at least we get some representation??? And a Custer joke????

Clark, at the same time, is getting a lecture from the editor because he said “I’ve never been able to understand violence of any kind.” Except for the kind where you deprive people of human rights because they stole and publicly humiliate them, otherwise he doesn’t understand violence! While Clark is getting this lecture from his boss on not being man enough, he hears Lex through a dog whistle (poor dogs!) letting him know that Lex is about to commit an evil!

I love that Superman just climbs out a window because he has to change into his super suit and no one notices. He just changed in mid-air! Why couldn’t he do that before?

Superman just drills his body down 200 ft to where Lex and his team are squatting and then super shoves the door in, and that’s how you make an entrance!

The glare Superman gives Otis when Otis goes to take his cape is everything. Man needs his cape, otherwise, he’d look silly.

Lex gives a great geography lesson on his tile map of the US while uncovering his evil master plan to blast away part of California and then build his own coastal settlement. This whole interaction is very civil and kind of boring, but it's worth it to look at Christopher Reeve’s face. Superman is angry.

Oh no! The missiles Lex redirected are going to kill people! Did no one double-check the destinations on the missiles before setting them off? Wouldn’t that be the number one thing you want to do?

See Superman look through things with his x-ray eyes! Oh no! Lex has placed kryptonite in a lead box and now it's going to make Superman sick! See how Superman hits the water with a disgruntled moan! See Superman struggle with the giant green rock around his neck.

Thank god Miss T’s mother lives in the specific town Lex is going to destroy otherwise Superman would drown. Also thank god she is wearing white! Otherwise, we wouldn’t get to see her undergarments! And now she is saving Superman, but first gotta kiss him while he’s down! It's not like she knows how nonconsensual kissing feels! Superman is just like “oh women, they just can’t resist my alien charm” and zooms off through the ceiling. Bro! You were just sexually assaulted!

Perfect time for Lois Lane’s car to run out of fuel! Right in the desert that Lex bought! Perfect time for Jimmy Olsen, boy photographer, to dink around! Right on the dam that is about to break because of the earthquake that Lex’s missiles are going to cause! Can you guess that Superman will have to save them???

Man, this movie sure does love transport vehicles hanging upside down with people trapped inside. Planes, trains, and automobiles! What mode of transportation will Superman save next!

Keeping up with the theme of upside-down modes of transport, Lois Lane’s car gets tipped into a crack formed from the earthquake and now rocks and dirt are filling her car! Now would be a good time to test how fast you can fly Superman.

Superman is not fast enough and after he pulls her car out he drags her lifeless body from the rubble. Sensual face stroke. (Wow Lois is doing a great job acting dead) and then keeping with the film’s second theme, it's time for a kiss! Consent is dead, and so is Lois!

Honestly, you saved a whole town and one person died. That’s pretty good. But Superman has EMOTIONS and we get a Mufasa moment with Jor-El in the clouds telling Superman “no don’t mess with human affairs”, even though that’s all Superman does, and Superman says “no dad I gotta save the chick I wanna bone” so he spins back the Earth to turn back time (because that would work! That definitely wouldn’t cause literally ALL life on Earth to perish. Physics!) and goes to save Lois.

Where is the crack that the earthquake formed? Instead, Lois is fine and safe and chews out Superman for saving an entire town before saving her from an empty gas tank. She’s terrific! They almost kiss, but Jimmy shouts “hey! No kissing unless people didn’t ask for it!” Thanks, Jimmy! Saved the day. Almost had our first and only consensual kiss!

Superman just leaves Jim and Lois out in a desert with no food, water, or transport. That’s not leaving them to die, is it?

Lois almost figures out that Superman IS Clark Kent (THEY HAVE THE SAME FACE, LOIS, THEY LITERALLY HAVE THE SAME FACE) but she is like “Nah! Clark is such a loser and could never make me want to get on my knees in this dress so he couldn’t be Superman lol.”

Superman delivers Lex and Otis to jail, Lex takes off his wig so the jailers will recognize him (Earthlings are very dumb and get easily confused by minute changed details, apparently, its a wonder no one freaks out because they can’t recognize each other when they change into new clothes every day) and all is right and well with the world. Swell the music. Superman flies through the sky! The end!

Honestly, most of my critiques of Superman could apply to just about every superhero franchise. It's a pretty problematic genre. Superheros always come so close to talking about crime and society in a meaningful way but then it goes flat because if they were to address the topic they wouldn’t get to have the superhero punch bad people. So instead we get two-dimensional problem solving and sexism. It's great.

I’m not going to wave off this movie’s problems as a product of its time. To do so would alleviate those responsible of their harmful actions as well as allow us to pretend like we are morally superior and everything is solved now. It is not, by a long shot. It would also ignore the people alive during this time that were aware that these issues were problems. For some reason, we have become comfortable with blaming problematic content as a product of its time, when there is evidence to the contrary. This is made even more confusing when combined with the glorification of the “good-ole-days” that movies like these always seem to unearth. Which is it? The past was a shit-show or it was the epitome of civility?

That’s probably getting too cognitive and my brain is mush from thinking about this movie for too long. Do I still love this movie? Yes. Of course. Christopher Reeve is, and always will be, the one and only Superman for me. This movie is what made me love superhero films, as much as it pains me to admit it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it genuinely has one of the best scores ever written and the acting is terrific. For better or worse, this movie will remain my comfort watch. Just don’t ask me to watch Superman 2.