Superhero or Supervillain?

I grew up reading comic books and watching Batman, Superman and the Green Hornet on TV. I even enjoyed Spiderman and the Incredible Hulk in movies, TV and in print. If I could go through a metamorphosis and change into someone else, who would I want to be? I know that I'd be the greatest superhero or super villain of all time, but exactly what would I be? Before I can answer that question, let us look at the qualities and characteristics I’d want in that super-powered individual.

Let us take a look at some of these fictional folks and analyze their positives and negatives (if there are any).

Spiderman

Pros: Here is a guy who can cling to walls, spin webs and sense when he might have a problem on his hands. He also has a main squeeze named Mary Jane. Way to go, Spidey. Of all the superheroes, he also has a cool costume and a witty sense of humor. Face it! This guy never has to worry about expensive carfare, transit strikes or parking. He can just web-sling his way all around New York City with ease. Even his theme music is rather jazzy and upbeat.

Cons: Unfortunately, he has a crappy boss. It is not really Spidey's fault, but he does have to deal with the jerk every day. I guess that this is the price one has to pay for being Spiderman.

Batman

Pros: Cool dude. He is probably the richest of all superheroes, except maybe for Tony Stark, who is also Iron Man. He is probably the smartest of all of the superheroes. He can usually figure out most clues in a relatively short amount of time. He works with a sidekick named Robin, who is a teenager. He even drives a cool car known as the Batmobile and works out of a seclusive location known as the Batcave, which is located underneath stately Wayne Manor.

Cons: Batman has to work under a cowl. This means the suit would be quite sweaty during the extremely hot summer months. Then again, crime never takes a holiday nor summers off. I sure hope that Batmobile and Batcave are sufficiently Bat-Air conditioned. At times, Robin can also be quite annoying. Every surprising moment is expressed by him using the word "Holy... !" I have often wondered how the Boy Wonder would respond if one of Gotham City's master criminals had broken into a yeshiva or a synagogue.

"Holy oy vey, Batman!"

I guess that we'll never know. By the way, why does Batman have to put the word "Bat" in front of everything in the Batcave? Does he actually say things like...

"Robin, wait here. I have to go to the Bat-bathroom and use the Bat-toilet. I hope that we have plenty of Bat-Toilet paper. I seem to have a very severe case of Bat-Diarrhea right now"...?

Superman

Pros: He can fly! He is bulletproof! He can see through anything that is not lined with lead! He is stronger than any other mortal on Earth. Nice super-qualities.

Cons: Surprisingly, he has four downsides. He is allergic to Kryptonite. So, I wonder if he panics if he comes across a Kryptonite bicycle lock as well. He has to wear the same costume every day as well. It must be rough sending it out to the cleaners every other day. Imagine Clark Kent going to the cleaners to pick up that outfit. His home planet was destroyed, so his parents are dead. Finally, he absolutely has the stupidest friends I have ever seen in my entire life. For folks in the news business, they must have the combined IQ of a Dunkin' Donuts buttered bagel. They are always getting into trouble. Most of all, for investigative reporters, no one has ever noticed the facial resemblance between Kent and Superman. This means that anyone can disguise themselves with just a pair of glasses in Metropolis and do anything they want. If a cop catches up to them, just remove the glasses and go on your way. Nobody in that city can tell the difference. Superman must be laughing his super buttocks off at these folks every day.

The Incredible Hulk

Pros: This guy has the ultimate answer to end all road rage. Behind the steering wheel of one car is a feeble-looking guy named Dr. Bruce Banner. He is just trying to get to work. He accidentally cuts off another driver on the freeway. The offended driver forces the good doctor off the road and challenges him to a fight. Now, this fight will be over as soon as the first punch is thrown, because the doc will immediately get very angry, turn green, expand to five-times his normal size and look like he has been weightlifting dozens of locomotives every day since the day he was born. He won't even have to say anything because that massive physique will surely speak for itself. It will say:

"Hit me again and your loved ones will miss you so dearly at your upcoming funeral."

Cons: To become the Hulk, he has to literally tear through his clothes. He doesn't have a spare set of duds with him. He just tears through his clothes when he gets angry and then hopes that he can find some new threads when he returns to normal. Of all the superheroes, he must spend tons of money due to each change. This is just the opposite of Superman. Hulk may need a credit card.

The Green Hornet

Pros: He only comes out at night and rides in the back seat of a black Chrysler Imperial sedan. He is extremely smart and has no superpowers whatsoever, but he does travel with a cool martial artist named Kato. Kato can kick anyone's behind anywhere. Kato is so poor that whether he is masked or unmasked, he is always called Kato. He has a cool theme song thanks to Al Hirt.

Cons: None that I know of.

Now, those are the good guys: the superheroes. They also have one other thing in common: they have the keep their alternate identities a secret.

Let's look at the bad guys.

The Joker

Pros: I like him for a few reasons. Not only is he very smart and extremely confident in what he does, he also annoys the heck out of Batman. When the Joker is sprung, for some reason, from jail, he immediately goes after the Caped Crusader and his youthful partner. He is delightfully obnoxious. For decades, Cesar Romero was my favorite Joker until I saw the 1989 portrayal by Jack Nicholson. Nobody has depicted the Joker better than Mr. Nicholson, bar none.

Back in December of 1973, I was in my last year of high school. While I was in the halls going from one class to another, most of the guys I passed by kept air guitar-ing:

"Some people call me the Space Cowboy.....Some call me the Gangster of Love.....Some people call me Maurice.....Cuz I speak with the pompatus of love....!"

I honestly had no idea why they were doing this for weeks until my best friend pulled me aside one day and told me that there was a song on the radio and my name is in the song. One day, I just happened to be by my radio when the song came on. I heard all of it. "Oh my God!" was my first reply.

I returned to school the next day expecting more air guitar acts, but I had no response. By 1976, however, I realized and accepted that I had my own theme song thanks to the Steve Miller Band. From that point on, I have decided to be called "The Joker!"

Cons: Joker must have some difficulty walking around in whiteface all the time. His lips are always red and his hair is green. I betcha that if he put on a pair of glasses, Superman's friends won't be able to tell that he is the Joker, either.

The Green Goblin

Pros: He likes to antagonize Spiderman. He has fancy weapons, and can also be witty at times. He flies with the use of his wing. He will take on anyone, and the results are almost always deadly. Willem Dafoe is the only GG that I like.

Cons: He, too, needs to change into his outfit, and he usually does it at home.

The Riddler

Pros: Here is another Batman antagonizer. Smart individual. Again, my favorite Riddler is the one done by Frank Gorshin. He is quite scary in terms of what he always has in store for Batman. His riddles are often extremely brilliant and nearly poetic. I guess that this gives Robin something to do, in order to help Batman.

Cons: None really, except that he never got to see the Batcave.

"Holy disappointment, Batman!"

My Conclusion:

To be very honest, I want every "Pro" characteristic from each of these guys. I don't know what I'd call myself, but that would not be a major concern. Would I be a good guy, or a bad guy? Again, I really don't know. If someone is in danger, I would like to help them. Other times, if my cash flow is low, we have ATM machines that would be surprisingly empty by the time I was done with them. I guess that it really depends on the situation.

When I look around here in NYC and elsewhere, we already have superheroes. They don't need to fly, or repel bullets, or even turn green. These superheroes run toward danger, not away from it. They run into burning buildings that were struck by hijacked planes. They face the guns of dastardly individuals. They raise, love and care for their families. Some people think that well-known basketball, football, and baseball players and other sports stars are heroes. No, they are not. Yes, they are athletically gifted, but they are not heroes. A hero is a person who puts their life on the line for the sake of others. People in the military, especially those who willingly enlisted, are true heroes. You will notice that all of those I mentioned before my conclusion are entirely fictional. Policemen (and women), firefighters, soldiers, EMT's and others who truly fit the definition of heroes are the real superheroes among us. I could never be like them.

Up, up and away!