Sex with Superheroes

I was put on the spot with this one.

Imagine it for a moment: you are a student, attempting to impress an editor with an idea for an article you think will truly knock it out of the park, and you come up with the idea of playing out a fantasy involving fictional characters with plenty of 'what-ifs'. And yes, I did come up with a list that I felt was the best representation of what we all suspect and choose not to explore. And that editor was not impressed...but I was. And I still am. And I hope you can be once I state my case for each figure and try to judge them by some pretty fair criteria.

This is just a brief guide to what to expect if you could have a relationship with certain comic book characters (relationship? That might be a stretch):

Superman – There is a lot to work with here, but you have to weigh the pros with certain cons: he is the Man of Steel; however, he is also faster than a speeding bullet and can be sapped of all strength by a green rock that reminds him of home. Ladies and certain gentlemen, beware.

Batman – Okay, okay, he is in good shape, but he would be selfish in bed; has to have all of those gadgets with him. Also, there are probably plenty of issues in being in bed with a man who decides to avenge his parents' deaths by fighting crime and dressing up as flying rodent. Take it easy with this one.

Spider-Man – Well, he does whatever a spider can; can be creative with those web shooters. But remember, he is just a kid and probably is not away of what those sticky fingers and that incredible spidey sense of his can do. He would probably need a good guide...to work out his issues over death as well (cf. Batman). Ladies, he is all yours...

Wonder Woman – Oh, Princess. We know that some bondage will be involved (with that rope, a lot of truth telling is about to go down); interesting wardrobe, as well (bullet-proof cuffs are an interesting fashion statement). I would be concerned about the super-strength she carries and her ability to fly an invisible jet without a concern over who sees her in it (mile-high club, anyone?)

Aquaman – A man who is comfortable in and out of the water (better stick to late-night romances in the pool, Jacuzzi or nearest lake or river; lubrication is important). They do say that sex in the shower can be overrated, though. To each his own.

The Flash – Oh dear. He would be far too fast; you’d never notice. Hard and quick pass on this one.

Daredevil – Ah, another hero with a messed up family life and interesting talents. His extra sensitive senses and strength might be a big draw (and he is the Man without Fear). Just be careful, ladies. He has had his share of women over the years and it never works out (Electra and the like). Prepare for a broken heart.

The Green Lantern – Another man in a mask with matching jewellery (draw your own conclusions, ladies). Although I think that he is a safer bet than Superman when it comes to being around green things (just stay away from anything yellow).

The X-Men – Ah, this is a very mixed bag:an Uncanny group; they would be mostly generous about giving pleasure, especially Wolverine (Rogue might be a challenge). Be sure to know what their abilities are before getting involved with any of them (may I recommend any character who can fly, has psychic abilities, or the means to teleport you to anywhere in their mind's eye?) Have fun!

The Fantastic Four – A married couple - one can disappear and the other stretch any part of his body - and two other men (one who keeps yelling “Flame On!” and the other one is called The Thing): kinky!

A rather limited list, I know. Please suggest more. And by the way...who is on yours?

Thank you for reading!

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You can find more poems, stories, and articles by Kendall Defoe on my Vocal profile. I complain, argue, provoke and create...just like everybody else.

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