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'Real Housewives of New York' Recap | "Sleeping with the Fishes"

Nothing Worse Than Fish on a Wall...

By Jennifer GulbrandsenPublished 5 years ago 4 min read
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Another week, another romp through The Birkshires with our ladies of the Big Apple, The Real Housewives of New York. Last week gave us a countess level meltdown over a blue bedroom with a shark on the wall, and this week, we rejoin this temper tantrum already in progress…

Apparently, this back bedroom at Dorinda’s house is akin to a medieval torture chamber. If you weren’t aware, there is literally nothing worse in this world than sleeping in a room painted cerulean blue with a taxidermy swordfish on the wall. Can you even imagine such a thing? Well, LuAnn simply can NOT imagine such a thing, so she’s acting like a full-blown three year old because that’s what well adjusted people are supposed to do post rehab. Make demands and act entitled. Is that the seventh step?

So after Ramona takes this opportunity to be helpful and blame Bethenny for everything, Tinsley gets kicked out of her room to accommodate the giant three year old, and Barbara gets the fish room. Cool. Whatever. The bright side to this whole fiasco is Dorinda continuing to make amends to LuAnn over their falling out. Someone has to make amends around here.

The next morning, we’re treated to an uncomfortable amount of moaning during morning yoga, and then we go on a tour of some kind of Morgan museum or something. I didn’t even know what was happening because Sonja kept screeching, “I’m a MORGAAAANNNNNN!” repeatedly while pointing at pictures and telling everyone, “That’s Meemaw Morgan! Damn, the Morgan women were ugly. Wait, but not my daughter.” This is so weird and over the top. She married into this family, and then divorced out of it. It’s pretty clear she’s hanging on to this identity like a glass of chardonnay, but it’s so bizarre.

After that uncomfortable display of unresolved issues, it’s back to Blue Stone where we get the arrival of Barbara and literally no one is excited to see her. It’s this collective, “Oof Barbara…” (sigh). I can’t stop wincing at her tan, personally. Barbara is shown to her dungeon of marine horrors after taking a tour of the house, and she recoils at the sight of it. WHO CAN SLEEP LIKE THIS?

Sidebar, guys. Is it weird that I’m not horrified, and I’d have the same exact reaction Dorinda is having? I’m almost certain these women have woken up next to something much scarier in the morning IN BED WITH THEM. I hardly think a few large fish bolted to a blue wall is cause for concern. Is it a bit much? Yes. Is it a deal breaker when you’re staying for free in your friend’s nice mansion? NO! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP.

If I were Dorinda, I’d make EVERY room a fish room.

Anyway, Bethenny is here fresh from her weird weekend with her new boyfriend while she cries over the dead one, and guess what? IT WAS WEIRD. Who could have predicted this? Literally everyone?

Yes, literally everyone.

I jest, but it really is sad to hear how she went to see A Star is Born and how the plot line to that movie would upset her. That movie upset me for three whole weeks and I was in an okay-ish place when I saw it, so I can only imagine. But Bethenny can’t be sad for too long, because she has to get mad at someone and that someone is LuAnn.

Dorinda basically tells Bethenny that LuAnn was being a beast about the fish room and taking umbrage at the fact Bethenny had a particular bedroom saved for her when she was coming a day late.

Bethenny ain’t having it, because she’s done a lot for LuAnn while she was in her shame spiral of vodka, and the only conversation she should be having with anyone is about her bedroom in rehab she should still be in right now instead of dipping out early for her cabaret show.

Ooooooh, that’s a sick burn, and something we didn’t know until now. Hmmm… the plot thickens.

Oh look, it’s time for a naked hairy guy to cook dinner and get sloppy drunk!

Yeah, I’m kind of a ‘no’ with the whole Bear Naked Chef thing. Even more weird is that Art Smith is his bouncer. I have so many unanswered questions about this I’m afraid to have in my search history.

So In a development that shocks no one, Sonja is trashed and shrieking about being a Morgan again. It’s so bad Dorinda and LuAnn go out for a smoke, and actually confirm this on camera, even though we’ve suspected it for years. There are officially no secrets on this show and I am fully alive right now.

I’d rather end this show with footage of Lu and Dorinda smoking Camels and talking trash, but instead we get the group trying to make Sonja drink some water so she doesn’t actually break into the Morgan museum and steal that painting of Meemaw.

Next week, it’s the third installment of this never ending disaster, and everyone picks on Tinsley… again.

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About the Creator

Jennifer Gulbrandsen

Writer, Podcaster, Digital Media Gadfly, Former Supermodel. Get the realness at jennifergulbrandsen.com

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