Perfectly Angsty Ballads for Fledgling Drama Queens and Theater Geeks

It will come as a shock to absolutely no one that I was a teenage Drama Queen.

To clarify, I was both an avid participant in my high school's drama program, and I was prone to having big, overly dramatic reactions to minor inconveniences. This was typically accompanied by the slamming of doors and a whole lot of this:

I'm willing to bet that at least a few of you clicked on this article because you were also a Drama Queen (and/or) Theater Geek. We DQTGs (for brevity's sake) have a unique bond; we're kindred spirits who share the sacred ritual of the Discovery of the Spring Musical. We know that jittery I-might-pee-my-pants-or-I-might-poop-my-pants feeling right before the audition starts. We understand the tingly anticipation of waiting for the cast list to appear on the music teacher's office door.

Most importantly, my friends, we've tasted the bitterness of rejection and stale coffee from a post-show trip to Denny's with our stage makeup still on.

Some of us may have run in other circles-some high schools were just like that-but the majority of us rarely saw any other parts of the school outside of the "music wing" (every school had one, right?). We preferred lurking in a dark auditorium to any other school activity including our lunch period. We practiced dance steps from the Tony Awards musical numbers and sang songs that were way too mature for us. We tried desperately to impress each other and longed for the day when everyone finally deemed us The Best Actress CD High Has Ever Or Will Ever Know Forever And Ever!

Or...maybe that last one was just me.

In my defense, I did have a great "dramatic" face. Look how serious I was about My Craft:

My teenage years were full of angst and an inexplicable need for constant drama, and if I couldn't get that out on a stage I unleashed it onto whoever happened to be around me. I spread gossip like confetti, y'all, and I am genuinely shocked that no one ever punched me right in the jaw.

For those fledgling DQTGs out there, here is a guide to the best angst-riddled Broadway songs to belt out in front of your bedroom mirror if you ever find yourself in the following situations.

(But just make sure that when you're through, you leave the mascara streaks on your cheeks so that people will have no choice but to ask you what's wrong.)

"Wig in a Box" from Hedwig and the Angry Inch

The perfect song for: when your mom won't let you buy that dress with the spaghetti straps for the Homecoming dance and you realize that no one will ever know the REAL you because you're never allowed to dress how you want to dress.

From Wikipedia:

Hedwig and the Angry Inch is a rock musical with music and lyrics by Stephen Trask and a book by John Cameron Mitchell. The musical follows Hedwig Robinson, a genderqueer East German singer of a fictional rock and roll band.

"Who Will Love Me As I Am" from Side Show

The perfect song for: when Dave Dimof tells you that you have a fat ass, but having a fat ass in 1995 is not the good thing, and even though you think Dave Dimof is gross, he must be speaking for all mankind when he says this to you.

From Wikipedia:

Side Show is a musical by Bill Russell (book and lyrics) and Henry Krieger (music) based on the lives of Daisy and Violet Hilton, conjoined twins who became famous stage performers in the 1930s.

"On My Own" from Les Miserables

The perfect song for: when you're deeply in love with your best guy friend, but he just told you that he has a secret crush on your best girl friend, and he asks if you could please deliver a note to her in 7th period study hall:

Read about Les Mis here but honestly, if you don't know what it is your DQTG card is officially revoked.

"One Song Glory" from Rent

The perfect song for: when you don't get voted Most Talented in the senior yearbook, and now your legacy is shattered and no one will ever remember your name.

From Wikipedia

Rent is a rock musical with music, lyrics, and book by Jonathan Larson, loosely based on Giacomo Puccini's 1896 opera La Bohème. It tells the story of a group of impoverished young artists struggling to survive and create a life in Lower Manhattan's East Village in the thriving days of bohemian Alphabet City, under the shadow of HIV/AIDS.

"Come to Your Senses" from Tick, Tick, BOOM

The perfect song for: when your boyfriend breaks up with you because he "needs space" and now the only boy you have ever loved is gone forever, and you will never love again because the two of you were soul mates destined for each other for all eternity (but just to make you feel a little better, 25 years from now he'll be married to a lovely man named Ken, so this one kind of works itself out, tbh).

From Wikipedia:

Tick, Tick... Boom! is a musical written by American composer Jonathan Larson. Tick, Tick... Boom! tells the story of an aspiring composer named Jon, who lives in New York City in 1990.

"Tell Me on a Sunday" from Song and Dance

The perfect song for: when you don't get the lead in the spring musical, and even though you know deep down that you could never sing that part (and years later you'll realize that the part you did get was way more fun anyway), this pretty much signifies that you are the worst actress that has ever tread upon the boards, and you should just quit now and study accounting or something.

From Wikipedia:

Song and Dance is a musical comprising two acts, one told entirely in "Song" and one entirely in "Dance", tied together by a unifying love story.

The "Song" act is Tell Me on a Sunday, with lyrics by Don Black and music by Andrew Lloyd Webber, about a young British woman's romantic misadventures in New York City and Hollywood. The "Dance" act is a ballet choreographed to Variations, composed by Andrew Lloyd Webber for his cellist brother Julian, which is based on the A Minor Caprice No. 24 by Paganini.

Godspeed, Drama Queens and Theater Geeks of past, present and future. We're all going to be just fine.

***My Dear Readers,

All jokes aside, our friends in the theater community have been hit very, very hard by the Covid-19 pandemic as most theaters across the country have been forced to remain closed for over a year.

If you would like to help, please consider checking out Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS ***