Movie Review: 'Moonfall' is Bad But You Already Knew That

Moonfall stars the charisma vacuum that is Patrick Wilson, continuing in his astonishing magic trick, fooling the world into seeing him as a movie star. Wilson plays a NASA astronaut, Brian, who, while debating the lyrics of the song Africa by Toto, because random counts as a personality in a movie like Moonfall, sees a massive alien destroy the satellite he’s working on, killing a fellow astronaut.

Through the necessity of the plot, Brian’s best pal back in the ship, Jo (Halle Berry), was knocked unconscious and did not see the alien Brian claims destroyed the satellite. Brian manages to fly the damaged ship back to Earth but is blamed for the failure of the mission and is left disgraced and broke. This is so he can needlessly play the cliché of someone whose bills all have final notice on them and lay face up on a table in place of an actual character. Jo meanwhile goes on to become the head of NASA and if you want her to have any more personality than simple competence, too bad.

Several years later, a conspiracy theorist tracking changes to the orbit of the Moon makes a shocking discovery. John Bradley plays the typical Hollywood conception of a geek. Bradley’s K.C believes the Moon is not a rock but an orbiting superstructure ship. Regardless of what the Moon is, the orbit of the Moon is dropping and someone needs to tell NASA that the world is about to end because the Moon is out of orbit.

Unable to reach NASA, K.C turns to Brian who dismisses K.C until indeed, the Moon does begin approaching the Earth and catastrophes begin to occur that destroy many of the largest cities on the planet. Because this movie was directed by Roland Emmerich it’s filled to capacity with bloodless carnage. NASA, it turns out, already knows what is happening, they’ve been covering up the story about the Moon and the massive alien presence that killed Brian’s fellow astronaut, ever since the Moon landing in 1969.

I want to stop and highlight an epically odd cameo that appears in Moonfall. The legendary Donald Sutherland appears in Moonfall as Holdenfield, a former NASA mission control manager who found out about the Moon’s secret back in 1969. When Halle Berry comes to him for answers, we find Sutherland in his office alone. He takes out a gun and places it on the desk. He goes to meet Halle Berry outside the office and they have a terse exchange. He leaves and tells her has an appointment at his desk. And scene.

The implication, in case you don’t get it, is that Sutherland went back to his office and blew his brains out. Why does this scene exist? Sutherland provides a brief bit of exposition and then his fate is left unseen but deeply implied as a gunshot suicide. It’s a truly bizarre inclusion in an already bizarre movie. Why have such a dark scene? Why did it star Donald Sutherland? Why did this need to be in this silly popcorn action movie?

Patrick Wilson is the single most bland actor in Hollywood. In movies like Little Children opposite Kate Winslet, that blandness works to his advantage as his blank slate face allows us to project onto him. In The Conjuring series he’s cast because a more colorful actor might reveal the far more interesting con-man side of Ed Warren. Wilson plays Warren as blandly heroic because nuance is not Wilson’s strong suit.

In Moonfall, Wilson is bizarrely cast as the hotshot, quick witted badass that Ryan Reynolds typically plays. He’s quippy and above it all in the fashion of every Chris Pratt character. Casting Patrick Wilson in a role like that is downright perverse. Oftentimes, in Reynolds or Pratt movies, their quippy delivery and above it all arrogance are the only things to enjoy. Wilson, being incapable of playing that role only brings to light the boring sameness of the Reynolds-Pratt action hero archetype.

Poor Halle Berry has absolutely nothing to do in Moonfall. Saddled with the least interesting character, Berry brings nothing to the role. She’s competent, professional and capable and she serves the function of getting Wilson and Bradley in position to perform all of the action of the final act. And you can forget any romantic connection between Berry and Patrick Wilson, they have a brother-sister-friend vibe. Each is given families that serve the function of being in peril while Wilson and Berry are on the Moon.

Most egregiously however, the worst thing about Moonfall is the love for Elon Musk. It’s so gross. John Bradley’s character is an Elon Musk super fan and credits Elon Musk for all the great inventions and ideas in the world. At two different times, as he’s making an important discovery, Bradley screams ‘Thank you Elon,’ giving the Tesla creator credit for things that are dubious at best. Why? Who knows, apparently director Roland Emmerich is an Elon Musk super-fan. Ugh!

Moonfall opened in theaters on Friday, February 4th, 2022.