Kindergarten Cop 2: The Film We Never Need

by Tom Chapman 2 years ago in movie

On 17th March this year, 'Kindergarten Cop 2' will be soiling diapers worldwide... What's worse is that they couldn't even get Arnie onboard.

Kindergarten Cop 2: The Film We Never Need

It is rare that you can say that Dolph Lungren won't be the deciding factor in what kills a film, but will a direct to video/DVD/projector/hologram to 1990's Kindergarten Cop really be that bad? That's right ladies and gentlemen, on 17th March this year, Kindergarten Cop 2 will be soiling diapers worldwide... What's worse is that they couldn't even get Arnie onboard.

The announcement makes us think the famous film class scene from (sequel itself) Scream 2, as quoted:

By definition alone, they are inferior films

The film class students go on to defend the likes of Aliens and Godfather pt. 2, but as we all know, these are stand-outs. Perhaps a sequel could survive if you at least had some familiar faces. Returning to Scream, reviews on the following films remain mixed, but at least the core cast of Cox, Arquette and Campbell remained. For a sequel to be necessary, film-goers have to connect it to the original. When you have allegiances to an original cast, their return is important, if not crucial to a legitimate follow-up. So it is a sad state of affairs when, for whatever reasons, Arnold Schwarzenegger hasn't returned for KGC 2. Maybe he was too busy tanking Terminator Genisys?

Secondly, the direct to video genre has always had a tainted quality. Only cult franchises like Wrong Turn (a rare exception) have shown a positive increase with DVD sequels. Wrong Turn 2 : Dead End is in fact the highest rated of the series. Direct to DVD's are usually found at the bottom of a bargain bin. For example, 90's comedies like Ace Ventura and The Mask both have their sequels;. Ace Ventura Jr. faired slightly better than Son of the Mask, which is currently languishing with a 6% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

Kindergarten Cop 2 follows Lundgren's Agent Reed (Schwarzenegger's John Kimble has since retired) as he tries to recover a missing flash drive. In a modern, generation X twist, one of the children holds the key to unlocking the information. Couple this with Agent Reed's Albanian antagonists and we are sure for some semi-racist, toilet humour comedy.

Love or hate it, the era of the slapstick comedy, is dead. You only have to look at 2012's Three Stooges to see that some things should be left to die with its legacy intact. We already have semi-remakes of the child comedy genre, too. The likes of Cheaper By The Dozen and Daddy Day Care even got their own sequels, although how the latter got one still remains a mystery to many of us. Kids just aren't funny anymore. If I wanted to laugh at a child, I would turn on YouTube and watch them high on dental gas.

Behind the laughter, there is also a more serious thinking behind we don't have some sequels. The gratuitous smoking, racism, and 'violence' portrayed in Tom and Jerry has long since been shot down by parental groups. Now with the likes of Columbine and Sandy Hook, the subjects of guns in schools has become something of a taboo. 1990 was a long time ago, and whether comedy film or factual, the issue of weapons in schools in never going to transpire well. Arnie waltzing the corridors of Astoria Elementary School with his gun holstered wouldn't make it past today's censors, but the trailer clearly shows Lundgren flashing his. Only the likes of American Horror Story can handle this, and even that is with kid gloves. One way to spice up KGC 2 would have been to throw the premise on its head. The school's children are actually little vampires akin to the latest seasons of AHS.

Unfortunately for some sequels, it just isn't cute and it isn't kitsch. Blockbusters such as Jurassic Park and Independence Day set the box office alight and (in their own ways) were revolutionary. The story of a gruff detective who goes undercover to potty train children isn't exactly groundbreaking. Coupled with this is the (subjective) fact that the original wasn't even that great, holding a mediocre 6.0/10 on IMDb.

The one saviour could be a good director, so how about the director's credits - is it someone we have heard of? Scott, Cameron, Spielberg? Nope - it's Don Michael Paul, a man who has given us AFI contenders like Jarhead 2: Field of Fire and Tremors 5: Bloodlines.

We could be wrong, but all signs point to Kindergarten Cop 2 stinking like yesterday's lunchbox. I would be much more susceptible to an Arnie orientated sequel titled Retirement Home Cop.

Tom Chapman
Tom Chapman
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