Keanu Reeves and the Secret to Not Aging, and Also, a Boring Episode

Audrey took me to another room. It was so huge that the roof reached the ceiling, and it was full of strange-looking machines and tables. “Medical Bay” was written on a sign on the stone wall, and thousands of lights lighted and faded every second.

“This is the medical bay, the most advanced medical facility in this world,” Audrey said while I looked, amazed, at devices that I could not even begin to recognize.

“You are right, I should be 91 years old, but I’m 30 instead.” She told me.

“But, how?” I asked. “It is impossible, people do age, it’s a thermomix law or something,” I said.

“Have you heard about quantum beds?” She asked me.

“No.”

“Well. Quantum beds are really interesting devices. Those were supposed to be released two decades ago, but an administrative error gave us the selfie stick instead. However, as you, my good friend, have said, the second law of thermodynamics makes us age. And quantum beds can revert aging and cure many diseases by rejuvenating our cells.” She explained to me.

“So, basically makes you immortal?” I asked.

“Not completely, no. Actually, you can die if someone shoots you, this machine only rejuvenates and heals, but it’s not miraculous.” Audrey replied. “Oh, and it also has a built-in fridge for snacks and drinks, for those sessions that take longer.” She added.

“And you’re going to see how it works right now. I’m tired of looking 56.” Said Keanu, who was followed by an otter with an angry face, if otters were capable of such things.

“Did you talk to the oracle?” Audrey asked.

“Yes, and it told me to proceed with our plan, but we must do some things first. Like training the new guy to properly use his skills and stop drawing penises, make me young again, and gather some info about the enemy, things like who they are, what they want, and where they come from. Now, less chatter and more quantum.” He replied, jumping into the pod that went into the machine, tagged as #10.

Right after, the machine closed and Audrey operated the controls of the pod and hit enter and then the machine lit in blue and a timer appeared on the control panel, showing a countdown of 30 minutes.

“We have half an hour, so I will tell you what we know so far if you want.” She said.

“Yes, please. But I wanna know what’s with this animal.” I asked.

“Oh, he’s Another the otter. He’s very smart and crossed here from another dimension where otters ruled the world until the Schiffers and their bosses took over. He’s quite racist and retrograde for being a superior life-form as he claims, though.”

“Then I’m glad he can’t talk,” I said.

“He can with a device. But we have grounded him for two days because he used to throw lots of racial slurs at the pigeons that land on the castle’s towers. But I don’t believe he’s that bad. Sometimes, people and otters are like that when they are feeling sad.” Audrey said.

“So, he hates pigeons?” I asked.

“Birds in general. He calls them ‘Fuckin’ half-lizards’. But please, let’s go back to what I wanted to tell you.” Audrey said.

I nodded and she began talking.

“The world has been ruled by an elite cabal since centuries ago. We don’t know much about them, but they control the banks, the presidents, many big corporations, and a hot tub manufacturing business in Vietnam. There have been many conspiracy theories about that kind of thing, and while most people believed those weren’t true, we found quite the opposite, almost all of them are true at once, and are caused by this cabal. We know this because a member of the Discordians found a message carved in a vegan hot dog. It also told him to buy more bread.”

“That’s absurd. It would be stupid as a conspiracy.” I said.

“It would be if it was not coated with a layer of seriousness. Also, you know that we do not question what we are used to seeing, because that’s the definition of our reality, and we do not have anything to compare it to. Not only that but also, when we face things that we have grown to believe are ridiculous, we dismiss them as just nonsense.”

My head hurt. If there was a creator somewhere, he probably had just finished a ton of exams and was having a creativity crisis. But before I could keep thinking about those deep issues, a microwave ping made us know that the quantum bed had finished its task.

Keanu stepped out of the pod looking like Constantine.

“This feels better. Now, I have to take a leak, because this thing really makes me want to go. Let’s finish for today, get comfortable and tomorrow we’ll teach you how to do magic.” He said and went out of the room like a bat out of hell.

“This looks like everything for today. Also, I have the feeling that someone is watching us from above.” Audrey said.

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JM is a Spanish writer who endlessly talks about cars, philosophy, and revolution when he's not playing guitar or annoying his friends with bad jokes. You can follow him on Twitter to see more content: @jm_miana.