Influencers

Influencers. Influencers influencing children into buying their weird rich people shit. The term ‘influencer’ is someone with a large, usually online platform, who, you guess it ‘influences’ those who follow them. I suppose by that definition you could say Charles Manson was the ultimate influencer. Not to really compare Paris Hilton to Charles Manson, there are a plethora of differences between them. Paris is way cuter. To name one. I detest the title of ‘influencer,’ something about it is cocky and so arrogant. I imagine Jake Paul and all the clones who follow suit (who seem to be made in a weird surfer supreme dude factory) typing influencer into all of their social media bios, and thinking to themselves, ‘I’ve done it. I’ve become a total tool.’ Influencer, sounds like something the weird horse girl would say she was doing when she got everyone in my third grade class to watch ‘Spirit.’ Even so, she had more impact then some of these people do. What makes someone an influencer? Be conventionally attractive (this is a REQUIREMENT!) those who do not follow this ancient, and most noble rule will be executed. Have the self awareness of a stool, and vanity of Lord Farquad from ‘Shrek.’ The IQ of the wild influencer does fluctuate, many are reported saying ‘yes, I dropped out of highschool junior year, but before that I was on the honour roll!’ Whilst others simply never made it that far. Of course, know that I hold no ill will towards these internet personalities, (I’m just naturally bitter) I simply, and wholly, destest the word in which they use to appear more respected by the mainstream media which hates them anyways. When it is just a more glamourous way of saying ‘I make youtube videos.’ Kylie Kardashian and the rest of the Kardashian Klan, are also regarded as influencers, there is of course truth to this term. Kim Kardashian started the trend of the ‘perfect’ hourglass figure, which is encompassed by big boobs, a tiny waist and a big posterior. This has always been a standard of beauty for women, however it became much more apparent when her and the rest of her clan got the surgery to prove it. Influencers main job, and only job is to sell products. A modern day sales man, though instead of selling paper, they sell diet suppressing lollipops which good ol Kimmy did, to her young and impressionable fan base, who were greatly influenced. But hey, influencers go through a great deal of trouble themselves! Their just like the 99% only rich. As well as better looking. They have the oncoming fear, the oncoming world ending North Korea nuke of being..

Cancelled.

Yes, I know I know. Let’s all calm down. For the boomers who may not know, the act of being ‘cancelled’ is when everyone on twitter finds some stupid shit you said in 2009, brings it back up to light, and then (presumably) you are burnt at the stake. However, there are different levels of being cancelled, just as their are different circles of hell.

Number One) Mild Cancel.

The mild cancel is the most commonly used cancel, this lasts usually for a few hours before the collective hive mind of the internet moves on to calling Harvey Weinstein a white minion. The survival rate is 98%.

Number Two) The ‘call my manager cancel’

This cancel is a bit more serious, this usually occurs when the internet finds out you said something sort of racist in 2006. The survival rate used to be 67%, however it has raised to 85%, as the internet is slowly learning that people change.

Number Three) Hide yourself and your family you are royally fucked.

This is the world ending cancel, this results in your own fan base turning on you, burning your crappy ugly merchandise which they would be made fun of at school for wearing, and you losing what is most important, money. The survival rate used to be 0.6%, however sister James Charles showed that you can recover, from this most awful event.

So, people have called me bitter and pretentious for even writing this, however unlike the instagram influencer I am self aware. I do feel as though I’ve gone full baby boomer on this even though I’m fifteen. Which is usually the reaction others give me when I talk about this topic. Though, I don’t think I’m wrong when I state that looking pretty is not a talent and I’m so sorry to all of the Tik Tok stars who feel called out. Especially by a one with no talent. But that’s the tea.