'Geostorm': An Incomprehensive Film Review

by Malcolm Hardy 3 years ago in review

"Mr. President! Dutch Boy Has Gone Evil"

'Geostorm': An Incomprehensive Film Review
Gerard Butler, making an arse of himself. 

For some reason, I went to watch this film. I paid actual money to see this. So, here is a less-than-comprehensive review about the film, including some blatantly untrue facts.

Was there a story in this movie?

Yeah kind of, it really has to be seen to be believed, but I think what it all came down to was: Gerard Butler is a smart scientist man who convinced every single country on Earth to band together and build an enormous web of satellites around the entire planet so they can predict dangerous weather conditions and put a stop to them before its done any damage. This web of satellites is called "Dutch Boy" for some reason, and it's taken over by some evil genius to cause a big GEOSTORM!

Was there any acting in this movie?

Some. Gerard Butler did his best American accent, with only small shades of Scottish leaking in, a notable change from his American accent in 2016's London has Fallen, which had big dollops of Scottish thrown in there. And he did an amazingly satisfactory job of plying "generic white scientist man who means well but is a bit of a mess and a very bad dad."

There were other actors in this film, too! Jim Sturgess and Abbie Cornish play a painfully unconvincing couple, who have an entire subplot around the fact that they have to keep their relationship a secret becuasee she is in the Secret Service.

And speaking of unconvincing, Jim Sturgess is playing Gerard Butler's brother in this movie, and other than the fact that they look nothing alike, there is an eight year age gap between the two men, despite the fact that the characters talk about playing together as children. What the heck kind of 18-year-old hangs around with his 10-year-old brother?

Geostorm also featured Andy Garcia as a painfully jarring and incompetent president, Robert Sheehan doing what must have been his worst-ever cartoonish impression of a British accent, and the usually very talented Ed Harris playing a one-dimensional, racist, power-hungry psychopath.

Are there any Dutch boys in this film?

Dutch Boy, the Geostorm preventing satellite.

Yes and no. There are no young male children from Netherlands featured in the film. However, the satellite at the heart of the story is named "Dutch Boy." The reason this satellite is called this is because of some old fable about a DUTCH BOY who stops a dam with his finger, or something? This gives the impression that the filmmakers really thought long and hard about how they could make the film seem intellectual. However, if an audience member had been getting popcorn or in the bathroom when this name was explained, then they would have been very confused for the rest of the film as to why every single character was talking about a Dutch boy, and how a small Dutch boy could be putting the world at risk. It all seems very silly to me.

Were there any space scenes in the film?

Yes, a fair few actually.

Were all the space scenes actually shot in space?

No, almost certainly not. It is likely that the filmmakers used an emerging technology called "special effects" to make it seem as if Gerard Butler were floating around in space, whereas, in reality, he was laying on a green tea-tray in front of a green-screen, and then some underpaid computer whiz changed the green background into a space background. It's pretty clever stuff.

And to be fair, most of the space stuff looked pretty good, as you'd expect with a film that has a one billion dollar budget. However, all the special effects of the weather looked pretty bad. Tidal waves, tornadoes, and ice storms all appeared as if they were lifted straight from a mediocre PS2 game.

Who made the movie?

Dean Devlin - the man to blame.

Dean Devlin.

Dean Devlin made the whole movie.

Dean Devlin wrote, directed, and produced the whole movie. He even did the score, held the boom, and did Mo-Cap for Gerard Butler when the actor was feeling under the weather.

Weather! Get it? Just like in Geostorm!

Should you go see 'Geostorm'?

Only watch this film if you're with two to six friends who are drunk or in need of cheering up, or both.

MY RATING: 3/11 Cacti

Malcolm  Hardy
Malcolm Hardy
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Malcolm Hardy

Film fan. Bartender.

Bad film reviewer; A reviewer of bad films? Or a film reviewer who is bad at it? You decide.

Bad bartender at Groovy Spoons.

Follow me on Twitter: @MrMalcolmHardy

See all posts by Malcolm Hardy