Find Me

Motionless. Auraya sat with her hands stacked in her lap. The eulogy was silent in her ears. The car ride home was a slight sobbing from her mother in the passenger seat. As everyone walked inside the house she headed straight for the stairs. The bedroom door, closed. She fell back on her bed, stared up through the ceiling. The room became a thick blur as thoughts over took her.

The cork board on her wall contained the memory she was now reminiscing. Her eyes shut. She breathed in the familiar aroma of homemade cookie dough, she felt the soft mixture squished between her fingers, her grandmother's hands on hers, helping her knead all the ingredients. Her favorite part of course was being able to eat a few of the chocolate chips while mixing and separating the dough on the pan.

Other memories just as precious as that one flooded the cork board. Family vacations to the mountain when a deer walked so close her brother and her could nearly touch it. Trips to the beach, walking down the pier and watching the dolphins jump. Other outings just to the park down the road with her best friend Jacob swinging back and forth side by side on the swing set. As well as lazy fun days at home when he came over.

A knock at her bedroom door woke her. She wasn't expecting to fall asleep, but it was nice to get her mind off of the day. Especially when her dream was with him. She looked at the time and jumped from her bed.

"Auraya honey, Jacob's here."

Her mother could barely get the words out before she swung open the door and ran down the stairs. Jacob was standing at the bottom waiting for her. She immediately wrapped her arms around his neck. Catching him off guard, he practically fell over having to catch himself on the front door. Once he caught his balance he closed his eyes and comforted her in return. When he looked up, Auraya's mom was looking at them all heartfelt. Jacob blushed at the fact she obviously knew how he felt about her daughter.

When Auraya was satisfied with their embrace she hooked his arm and ran out the front door. They walked side by side down the peaceful neighborhood road. Taking a right at the next street, crossing a bridge, then entering a small opening in a fence. They came back to the creek and followed it into the woods away from the rest of the world. The 2 mile hike to their spot was mostly quiet. His presence was all she really needed and he knew that. The water rippled past their feet as they climbed up and over the waves of rocks that lined the banks. Up ahead they saw the couple of boulders they found the first time they ever walked the route. They sat over in the shallows of the water near a wider portion of the creek. High enough to stay dry while still being able to dip their feet in the cool current.

"I wish I could've been there at the funeral for you."

"Me too." She gave a small smile.

"My father thought it'd be best if it was just family."

"It's okay. You're here now."

Reaching their destination they slipped off their socks and shoes on dry ground, and Jacob held his hand out for her to hold onto. They tip toed through the gentle ripples that caressed the top of the peaking stones just beneath the surface. He let her take her seat before he sat beside her. The water was refreshing on the soles of their feet. For Auraya, the feeling of the water gently bumping beneath her toes made her feel light, with nothing weighing her down. The same way his presence set her worries at ease. Jacob, however, felt the rush, as if so much of it was flowing past at once. She was a place of peace for him as well, but the words he had yet to come to terms with speaking to her about kept hitting him in the back of the head. He knew she was on fragile ground and the slightest bit more weight would break it beneath her.

"What's the matter Jake?"

"Nothing. I'm just..."

"In your head and overthinking." She interrupted into a brief silence, "you know I can see you right? Your face isn't very quiet."

"Yeah, I know." He gave a grin, "I just really like spending time with you, especially here. Even if we don't say anything it's my favorite place to be, you know?"

"This place is really nice."

He playfully bumped her with his shoulder. She looked at him returning happiness with her eyes. He glanced over from the corner of his eyes and noticed she kept her stare. He saw the rosey lips that had been tempting him more everyday since they started getting older and more mature. He knew he loved her as a friend since the day they met. However, as they were starting middle school the feelings started to change.

He wanted to hold her hand more. He wanted to run his fingers through her hair when she laid her head in his lap as they watched movies. He wanted to wrap his arms around her waist, pull her close and kiss those tempting lips. He loved being that person that lit up her face the second she saw him no matter what was going on in her life. He always wanted to be that person for her. He knew that he couldn't be that. This was the worst possible time that had to change. None of what he wanted with her could ever get a chance, especially if he didn't get the courage to do it right now. He turned his face toward her and started to lean in.

She saw the moment happening, the first time he's ever tried to kiss her, but her heart jumped into her throat. Her breathing stopped. Time froze. Her best friend. The boy she loved, as a friend, or maybe something more. She kept seeing him differently as they aged, but kept avoiding it, throwing the thought in the closet in the back bedroom of her mind. She loved how things were. She also didn't want to confuse the feelings of losing her grandmother urging her to do something she was confused about, even before she lost her. She had to push these thoughts, this moment away.

She pushed Jacob off of his rock, but he grabbed her arm as he fell into the shallows and they both splashed water up into their faces. She threw water up into his face with laughter. Another moment adding to his love for her. He splashed back, a moment adding to her avoidance of those same feelings.

They walked back to her house. The water dripped from their fingertips, clothes, and hair. Auraya removed her shoes to take the steps up to her front door. She walked through the house to the kitchen like every time before and made them both a glass of chocolate milk to sit on the porch swing and drink together before he had to head home. She came back to the porch and turned to an empty swing. She looked around, but didn't see Jacob anywhere. His shoes weren't left by hers. He wasn't sitting on the stairs. He wasn't on the other end of the porch looking at her mother's flowers. He was just gone. She walked back in and sat next to her little brother who was watching cartoons on the couch.

"You want some chocolate milk?"

"Sure. Thanks Ray."

"You're welcome."

-----

Her mother entered the front door and saw the kids seated on the couch. She walked in to the living room with a box and a few envelopes and placed them on the coffee table in front of them. They both looked at each other and looked at the items as she called to her husband to come down. Auraya reached across her brother to grab the remote from the arm of the couch and muted the show. Their mother sat in the single seat, and their father stood beside her, his hand rubbing her back.

"I spoke with the lawyer about grandma's will. She's left the family some money. She left some for us, and she left each of you with one hundred thousand dollars which she wrote in a note to hold in savings until you turned eighteen. She did write that you could get one hundred dollars out per birthday and Christmas which was the only exception."

She reached for the envelopes.

"She wrote us each a personal letter." She slid an envelope to Auraya and one to Seth, "and she left a couple of items. When you get your license grandma has left one of her cars for each of you. Grandpa will take care of them until you're old enough."

Her mother pulled the box on the coffee table over. This was the only thing Auraya was curious about. Her grandmother told her all the time she would leave them money and her cars, but other than that she never mentioned leaving anything more. Auraya never really favored any items at their home, just the time they spent together. That was the thing she cherished most.

She knew the one thing her grandmother was going to leave her brother though. The first thing her mother pulled out of the box. Grandma's model ships. Each of them individually bubble wrapped. She had them hung all over the house, near paintings of oceans and lighthouses in other countries she's visited over the years. He always admired them and loved the ocean because of her.

What, she thought, was in the box for her?

Her father grabbed a basket from the bottom shelf of the coffee table and helped Seth collect the model ships to hang in his room. They walked up the stairs while Seth explained where he wanted each ship to be placed.

Aurayas mother reached into the box and pulled out a slim box.

"Instructions from the lawyer was to not open this. He says it's just a jewelry box with some little trinkets. Grandma wanted you to have this."

Auraya sat and stared at the jewelry box for a moment. Her mother placed the envelope that Auraya had not yet touched and sat it on top of the case.

"I know it's not much, but..."

"Not much? Not much?! Really?!" Auraya raised her voice, "This is nothing. Nothing compared to having her here!"

"Honey, I know, but this is the only thing left she could do. Give us things to remember her by."

"I don't want to just remember her! I want to make more memories with her! Have more time with her!" Her voice was caught in her throat.

Auraya got up to run off. Her mother grabbed her arm and held up the jewelry box and envelope in front of her. She took it and ran up the stairs straight to her room closing the door. Her father and brother stood at his door, the commotion making them stop and come out. She turned her back to the door and threw the jewelry box against the wall behind her bed. It fell between the small opening, landing beneath the bed. She slid her back against the door, dropped the envelope on the floor and cradled her knees to her chest. The weight of her thoughts forced her forehead between her knees. Salty streams rolled over her cheeks like the rocks in the creek. After a few deep breaths she lifted her eyes over to her nightstand. She reached over to the open shelf on the bottom and pulled out her photo album. She wiped the tears from her eyes as she turned the pages.

The album full of memories made Auraya smile. One of her favorites, wearing a chefs hat with flour all over her and her grandmother's faces as they laugh. She remembered her grandfather took the picture before walking in and exclaiming he was not cleaning anything in there. She didn't blame him. They threw caution to the wind that day and did very little cleaning as they went. She's learned to clean as she goes since then, but she loved the flour filled faces of laughter. Another picture they were on a canoe. It had gotten stuck sideways between some roots in the edge of the river. Grandmas face had an embarrassed smile as she covered it and peeked threw her fingers at the camera. Auraya was using the paddle to try and push off from the bank. After taking the picture grandpa tied off a rope and pulled them away to continue down river for another 3 miles. She remembered them taking their time afterwards to keep from getting stuck again, practically taking all day just to do it.

She flipped into the album a few pages. There was Jacob. These were pictures she hadn't seen yet. Her mom loved taking pictures and slipping them into Aurayas album so that she would be surprised with new ones every so often. There was an odd picture that showed the front door ajar. The next one had opened the door to see the two kids jumping in the mud puddles in the rain with their jackets and rain boots on. She remembered her mother calling for them to come in. As they hurried to the porch Jacobs boot got stuck in the mud and as she was following closely behind, ran into him and they both fell over into the mud puddle. The next picture was Auraya helping pull Jacob up from the soggy ground. The last picture of that set was Auraya and Jacob standing on the edge of the porch, dirt almost from head to toe. Both with a big smile across their faces, eyes squinting, from so much enjoyment that comes with clumsy play.

She turned the page, but glanced at the envelope from her grandmother she had placed on the ground beside her. She picked it up and rested it on the photo album sitting in her lap. This is the last thing she'll ever read from her grandmother. She won't get to see her face again, except in pictures, she won't get to hear her laugh or learn any new recipes from her voice. She won't get anything more from her grandmother after these words written in this sealed paper. After that she's really gone. Nothing left.

"Auraya, dinner is ready." Her mother called upstairs to her.

She was startled out of her thoughts and closed the envelope in her album placing it back beneath her nightstand.