Either I'm having a COVID fever dream or "Space Jam 2" is real and important

I must be unwell. Perhaps I should get tested for COVID-19.

See, I think I’m having a fever dream, I’ve been seeing things that just can’t be so. Remember like a decade ago there was that joke going around the internet that there ought to be a Space Jam 2 starring LeBron James? What a ridiculous idea that would be. I mean, Space Jam was a movie that was largely enjoyed ironically, a so-bad it’s good film. I mean the movie was based on a Nike commercial.

Yet I’ve come to believe that Space Jam 2 is real. And not just some low budget short that went straight to whatever streaming service Warner Brothers has a partnership with. A big budget theatrical release starring LeBron James. Surely, surely, no one would actually make a movie that stupid.

What’s that?

They did?

It’s called Space Jam: A New Legacy and it’ll be out in July?

OK, ok, ok. I guess that’s not actually that surprising if you think about it. The original Space Jam did OK in theaters and was dunked on by critics. From the studio’s perspective it was a great success though. It was based off a commercial and was still basically a commercial. $1.2 billion dollars worth of Space Jam merchandise was sold and the soundtrack went platinum six times. The accumulated revenues from the franchise could be as high as $6 Billion. Put in those terms it’s surprising we didn’t sequel years ago (apparently Jordan didn’t really like acting).

Just because the studio made the sequel though, doesn’t mean anyone will actually care about it though, right? It’s not uncommon for sequels to be cynical cash grabs, but this is a case where the original film was already a cynical cash grab. Nobody seriously wanted Space Jam 2. The best take was from 5 years ago: that Space Jam 2 was automatically doomed since it didn’t have Michael Jordan--who was a terrible actor.

What’s that?

People have strong feelings about it?

It set off a new culture war flash point?

Why?

Fucking Why?

It’s because conservatives are complaining that Pepé Le Pew, the French rape skunk, was left out of the movie?

OK, now I know you’re screwing with me.

See, I recently wrote an article that suggested “canceling” a Looney Toons character just to annoy conservatives. Now you’re telling me that Fox News is crying because the FRENCH RAPE SKUNK was not included in Space Jam 2? Did I miss a point where conservatives decided that they liked the French, or that there was change of heart about the stench of skunks?

It’s like… they have to be obstinate. Pepé Le Pew hasn’t been in a cartoon in years and there’s no reason for him to start being in them again now. But because he’s been called sexually inappropriate, conservatives have to put on this show of outrage that their beloved French rape skunk isn’t appearing in Space Jam 2. It’s the same kind of reactionary nonsense that caused Tucker Carlson to lash out at an American citizen when she said there was racism in British Royalty.

So yeah, conservatives have lost interest in improving people’s lives and are now just focused on fighting anything liberals might like, even if it means defending the French rape skunk or the Queen of England. They suck, let’s move on.

What’s that?

There’s more?

They’re mad because Lola Bunny doesn’t have big boobs?

Wow, OK, let’s back up here and talk about who Lola Bunny even is. The Looney Toons cast was always pretty male dominated. Lola first appeared in Space Jam and she probably was originally intended to just be a token girl character--and sell Lola Bunny merchandise to girls. Somewhere along the line though she became really sexualized, probably because animators didn’t really know how else to depict a girl. So she kind of ended up being more of a character for the furry community.

Lola was always lousy for Bugs Bunny. As it was put by Nathan Rabian:

Lola isn’t really a character at all. She’s a merchandising and marketing vehicle whose only real purpose is to kiss Bugs at relevant moments and try to make audiences forget Bugs’ own rich history of gender-fuckery, cross-dressing, and flamboyant androgyny. Space Jam makes Bugs a tedious heterosexual instead of the sexually ambiguous character he’s always been.

In Space Jam 2, Lola is toned down. Presumably this time there was a woman on staff when character designs were being done. A change has been made so that a character in a children’s movie isn’t grotesquely over-sexualized. And upon hearing that something, anything, had been made more sexually appropriate, conservatives of course freaked out. As Luke Winkie put it:

It’s official: Copping to a deep, frothy, carnal attraction to a cartoon rabbit from a 30-year-old movie is an animating political expression. These Trumpian agitators grew up thinking that Lola Bunny was very hot, and now that Warner Bros. has decided that the character doesn’t need to be drawn with human-esque double-D’s, they’ve reflexively blamed the liberals. Without her exposed midriff, they argue, Lola Bunny is effectively canceled.

And you know what? I don’t actually want to throw shade on the furry community. If someone is into sexy anthropomorphic cartoons, that is fine. It’s just the so-called conservatives that are getting angry is weird.

But you know what, I’m kind of fine with conservatives getting angry too. Let’s bask in their ridiculousness until an angry mob takes over the capitol building, waving flags with Lola Bunny on them.

But I’m still not convinced this isn’t some fever dream. I mean a $100,000 reward is being offered for lost footage from Space Jam 2? Come on, that can’t be real...

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