Bridgeton Review: Pride & Prejudice With Porn

This show draws you in with its period-piece pageantry and exaggerated personalities. It pays no attention to historical racial accuracy and flippantly explains it away. Finally, a show we can all enjoy as a family, but never in the same room at the same time. Watching Victorian porn with my mother and teenage daughter present just feels icky.

We do, however, exchange notes on our favorite characters and all of their "will-they-won't-they" drama. It is also a catalyst for me to discuss healthy, women-focused sex acts with my daughter. If he doesn't go down on you in a massive library, he isn't for you. But also, if he has a massive library, I will leave the rest of his redeemable and questionable qualities to her discretion.

It also gives us classy euphemisms for natural and healthy terms that generations of forcibly repressed women have made more colorful. From this point forward, I will only be referring to orgasms as "pinnacles." But seriously ladies, talk to your daughters about sex and their bodies. It is up to you to end the generational trauma that comes from repressing your needs. For the love of God, they should at least know how babies are made. Alas, it is the burden of man to teach women about their own bodies.

For all of its women-focused messages, it leaves space for the FACT that men will get sex wherever they can, and it's completely normal for them to frequent dens of prostitution so they can learn all the tricks to satisfy a woman in bed. You are welcome ladies. We do it for you.

Never mind the consequences of STDs. It is a historical fact that back then, STDs did not exist. If they had, Lady Whistledown would have written about it in her gossip rag. To be honest, I wish she would, because having the voice of Mary Poppins describing syphilis could be a great tool for future sexual health conversations with my kids.

The message instead is strictly focused on exploring all genders and races sexually, but then ultimately settling down with one man and one woman and having beautiful mixed-race babies, as God and society requires. Unless you are a chubby white girl, in which case the Bridgerton writers did not want to precipitate the stereotype that only black men like robust caucasian women.

No matter your preference, you'll be happy in the end because all the men look like supermodels, and only their full-blooded sisters are equally hot. The women they ultimately fall for, however, look just like you. And I think that's special and not at all an unrealistic message.

It just wouldn't be good smut if the richest, most handsome, and most responsible man didn't fall for the woman who, although exotic, still manages to be remarkably mediocre in both appearance and personality.

If, however, you are a woman who is intelligent, wealthy in personality and ideas, and interesting in your own right, I am sorry to inform you that you will die alone.

I fully support the message that the more sexually explorative you can be while you're young, the more likely you are to find your fairy-tale ending.

That only applies to men, though. Women, you need to remain virgins and use your sexual curiosity to entice a future husband. Because all you have to do is let him cop a feel in the garden, and despite his promiscuous past, your virtue and societies taboos will make an honest man out of him.

And don’t worry that the plotlines will be deep or hard to follow. They aren't. Instead, they mirror familiar fairy tales from your childhood. Because the only thing missing from Cinderella was Asian porn.

If you mistake this synopsis for a bad review, please be assured that it is not. I find this show to be the perfect blend of easy watching and guilty pleasure.

I give Bridgerton 10/10 & 5 Stars.

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