What if BitLife was Real Life?

I am addicted to BitLife. It is the only thing that keeps me going in life, I wake up every day and hope that the developers have pulled an all-nighter just trying to get a new update out to the BitJunkies (my nickname for my fellow BitLife addicts).

I was in bed last night, it was around 3AM which is peak time for strange and delusional thoughts for me. I thought "What if everything I did in this app actually happened in real life?"

For example, I am 18 years old and a girl calls me a "cow". In a normal world, I would just brush it off or throw back some kind of witty insult. However, in this new dystopia I had created in my head, I would be able to select how I would attack her, just like you could in the app.

It made me feel powerful, that I would be able to make these decisions from my phone and I would just carry them out, without any sound reasoning or logic, as if I felt compelled to do everything my phone told me to do.

Now, that is one thought, having a cat fight with some girl who threw an insult at me, all because I slept with her granddad (daddy issues come through).

As the night progressed, my thoughts became wilder. Imagine if I could rob a bank. In the game, you can pick a disguise, a weapon and a getaway vehicle. I had to plan this carefully, as I didn't want to make any rash decisions that would get me sent to prison, I was only young, I had so much to live for.

I felt beyond powerful at this point, I felt like a God. I visualised myself walking down the high street, dressed up as Shrek, wielding a purple dildo, with my Heely's on, just gliding down the street with a big bag of money over my shoulder, laughing manically like the Joker, watching people run away as they fear what I might do to them.

By this point, it was around 4AM and I was flicking through the different tabs and decided to buy a house. Just like that. I'd bought a house, I was a Porn star raking in around £400,000 a year, so it had very little effect on my bank balance.

I decided it was time I got myself a life-long partner, I was 27 by this point and realised time was ticking on. I decided to use the dating app and realised how cynical the world we live in is. I wouldn't tap anyone who had any less than full looks and full money (for those who don't play BitLife, this would mean in real life, they'd look like this)

With my partner, Ricky Graham, I decided it was time to start bringing children into my life of sex and crime, as if this app turned me into some kind of Pablo Escobar.

I could never play this app and have a normal life, I would make narratives in my head of why every single one of my characters went downhill so quickly, getting kicked out of primary school and ending up in a juvenile prison was just part of the course.

I adopted 5 children, who all had bedrooms in my 7 bedroom Farm property (yes, I'm a perfectionist, they all have to have bedrooms).

Life seemed perfect for me and Ricky, until at age 30, I found out he had a dating profile on a website and I caught him engaged in sex with a woman. My happiness level plummeted to 0% and I was filled with fury, both in real life and in the game, after all the great "making love" and the first class holiday I paid for to Egypt, this is how he repays me.

I knew what I had to do. He had to go. He was super rich and I knew if he died, I would be left a lump sum and so I set about hiring a hitman as trying to murder him myself was far too risky.

I hired a hitman, who went by the name "Jack Black" and BANG, he pulled the hit off with a bottle top.

I then mourned his loss for emotional effect and planned his funeral, and inherited £1,603,394. I then visualised myself, filthy rich, with my 5 adopted children and our pet mountain lion, Simba.

After the almost euphoric high that the game provided me with, my phone died, and I was just sat there, in the darkness of my room.

The harsh reality then set in that it was 5AM, and I had to be up at 7AM for work and that I was a student, balls deep in his overdraft with no pet mountain lion, husband who died in mysterious circumstances and no farm or porn career.

The End!

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Keywords: bitlife, real life, experiences, funny story, funny, satire, what if, crime, drugs, sex, comedy