Okay, so it's been a bit of a hectic week here in the home studio. For starters, my kids have been driving me up the wall with their persistent whining for Peppa Pig montages. And my wife has been badgering me for a holiday like it's the only thing left to do before she can die happily.
So I retreated to my cave for a while; where literally nobody can dare bother me. With a nice little PSX emulator and a dusty old iMac load-out, I was set for a bit of 'me time' where nostalgia would be my only companion for an hour or two a day.
I fired up the classics, and I 'mapped' the keyboard controls as best I could. And it was just like that. I was five-years-old again. All I needed was a six pack of Fanta and a basket of Skittles pouches.
But, you know, it didn't go as well as I had hoped. And that little nostalgia trip? Well, that lasted about eight-minutes in total. After that I just sort of flew off the rails, and wished I was watching the bastard Peppa Pig show all along.
With that twinge of rage and spark of energy, Punk Plays had been launched. And as for all the juicy PlayStation memorabilia; the newfound channel would act as the showcase for some of the most horrendous mechanics this world has ever seen.
So let's take a look at some of the highlights from this week. And you know, I think I'll let you be the judge. Because perhaps you might be able to decide whether slumping through Paw Patrol was a better call after all.
I know I was contemplating it.
Week one of Punk Plays.
Just when I thought I couldn't sink any lower, this little bitch came running into my life. Like a bat out of hell, this little dance game flew in from nowhere with some of the worst gaming mechanics I've ever seen in my damn life. And it's not that I can't game very well or couldn't come to grips with the quirky grooves. No, it's just that this little squad of plastic tween bitches dropped the biggest piece of botox bullshit in the history of gaming.
I'm not bitter. You are. And this scrawny band of plastics can go to hell.
Lilo & Stitch
Man, I actually enjoyed this film once upon a time. But you know, since slugging through this piece of shit I've started questioning my loyalties to the nineties Disney scene.
So full of stupid petty plots, and mindless platforming mishaps; Lilo & Stitch on PSX brings some of the most frustrating and mundane aspects from a game and shoves them directly into your forehead in one super sucker punch.
It's not bad. It's just, you know... not... good.
The Emperor's New Groove
I reckon I'll need counseling after this bastard series of unfortunate events, you know? Like that damn turtle race between clunky-ass Kuzco and flat-faced douchebag, Kronk. Man, that one really got to me.
Emporer's New Groove is hands down one of my favourite Disney movies of all-time. But this video game adaption from the movie? Yeah, this would've been better left undeveloped, you know? Screw this llama and his blotchy graphic spasms.
When I think of Tarzan, I think of Phil Collin's belting out some smash hits to the picturesque horizon of the jungle as our lovable savage swings effortlessly from vine to vine beneath a ray of glory.
What I don't think of is two-dimensional boggy eyes and polyphonic ringtones screeching like a trampled cat. Now that shit should've just stayed at home, I think.
Tarzan is no doubt a hero in most of our childish eyes. But this PlayStation version of Tarzan, however, is in a whole other ballpark. And you know what? I'd rather he just be left as a bastard movie protagonist, to be honest.
This is embarrassing.
Rugrats in Paris
Collect the token. Pop the balloon. Collect the token. Pop the balloon.
You know, that got boring pretty fast. And despite the fact the game tries so desperately hard to follow the movies script, it just doesn't quite capture the affection from us dying Rugrats fans.
This game never should've been considered let alone bloody developed and submitted to the market. I mean, what is there to do other than scratch your head and burst a vein as you mumble your way through some of the most mundane mini-games in history? Not a lot. And for that reason, I have to say Rugrats is going down in my bad books.
Pft... as if it ever stood a chance to begin with. *smirk*
An extra segment for you Harry Potter fans
My wife almost left me for this one, you know? But, to be fair, I wouldn't have blame her. I mean, what the actual shit is this monstrosity of a montage?
This, ladies and gentlemen, is what you get when you combine sleep-deprivation with one too many cups of coffee and an archive of graphic files.
I'd like to believe there's something beautiful about it, you know? But the more I watch it, the more I question my moralities and purpose in life.
That's quite a heavy hit for a damn Harry Potter video, man.
'Punk Plays' is now available to stream on YouTube.
- J Tury
A QUICK NOTE
Guys, if you're a fan of Funko Pops and/or sweet hampers, then you'll be happy to know I've started holding monthly draws for all Patreon supporters of mine.
If you're feeling generous then please do swing by and pitch in towards my work. Because, honestly, I can't be using these darn Peppa Pig headphones forever. There's a certain tinny effect that I think might be effecting me in more ways than one.
I'd love to expand in both writing and gaming, and so every penny helps towards delivering fresh and exciting content.
Thanks for your support as always.