Misadventures in Dungeons & Dragons

Background: Dungeon Master and a Rogue struggle through this campaign. The Rogue slowly unravels the thread that makes up this campaign causing the DM to lose their mind.

Rogue: "Alright I walk into the bar and what do I see? "

DM: "You see that the bar is full of magical weapons and level 20 Adventurers. "

Rogue: "Really? So you're just gonna tease me and make sure I can't steal anything? "

DM: "Isn't this exactly what you do to us? " Speaking plainly about when this Rogue usually DMs campaigns

Rogue: "Well usually there's a point for you to go to the bar other you just telling me to go. But you know what? I can work with it. "

DM: "Whatever. The bartender approaches you and askes you what you want to drink. "

Rogue: "Moonshine and a napkin, please. "

Bartender: "Coming right away, Sir. "

Rogue askes the Bartender: "Also are there any planks of wood laying around anywhere? "

Bartender: "Uhh yes some spare 2x4s in the back from when we remodeled. "

Rogue: "Great, I'm just gonna go take a piss. "

DM: "Deception check. "

Rogue: "Hey, who said I'm not gonna take a piss?"

DM: "Well why are you heading to the 2x4? "

Rogue: "Uh well one of my character traits is that I don't pee indoors."

DM: "Is it really? " Asks in a very sarcastic tone.

Rogue: "It is now. "

DM: "Fine. "

Rogue: "After I'm done pissing on the 2x4 I pick it up and put it in my bag. "

DM: "What the hell are you doing? "

Rogue: "Is my Moonshine and napkin on the table? "

DM: "Umm yeah they are. "

Rogue: "I stuff the rag in the bottle and light it on fire, throw it on the ground and put the 2x4 in the door frame of the entryway of the bar. "

DM: "What the hell are you doing?!? "

Rogue: "Everyone give me your weapons or we all die! "

DM: "This escalated so quickly. What is your end game in this situation? It makes no sense. You do know this bar is full of level 20 Adventurers, they're just gonna kill you."

Rogue: "Um not so fast. That Molotov was a surprise round. "

DM: "Fine roll Initiative. I rolled them all at once and they rolled low." The DM is disappointed in all these level 20 NCPs.

Rogue: "Well I got a 26 so this should be fun. "

DM: "Well you're just gonna die when its their turn anyways. "

Rogue: "DM would you consider a bonfire an object? "

DM: "Sure. Wait why? "

Rogue: "Great! I use my enlargement spell on the fire. "

DM: "T-the ff-fire doubles in size and consumes the building. Oh my gosh. "

Rogue: "Not so fast. I use cunning action to dive out the window."

DM: "Fine but one of the Fighters tries to follow you."

Rogue: "Oh does he now? "

DM: "He makes an acrobatics check and he Nat ones. " (Worst possible roll to get.)

Rogue: "Oh no what happens DM? " A sly smirk on their face.

DM: "The Fighter gets stuck in the window. All the inhabitants are trapped inside and are burned alive." Said disapprovingly.

Rogue: Said sarcastically "Oh no that's tragic"

DM: "Those were the nations' greatest Adventurers. "

Rogue:" Well they made for the nations' greatest BBQ. "

DM: "Is this what it's like to DM us? "

Rogue: "Oh if you think this is bad I'm just getting started."