You're Saying That Wrong

I've had an interest in language my entire life. I read at a very early age and would sometimes wonder why some words weren't pronounced the way they were spelled, like "Through." (it's because the pronunciation changed over the centuries. In Middle English you pronounce most of the letters, same as with "knight.") I also wondered about things people said that didn't make sense. I learned that a good deal of the time, people are just saying things they've heard without knowing what they mean. And while my degree is in English, I found that even other writers and English majors tended to do the same thing - if they grew up saying something, they would just keep on saying it or writing it. It was part of their core language, they didn't think twice about it.

Here are some common words and phrases that you may have wondered about, or are likely to be misusing:

1. Could care less. You likely hear this one every day, and what people typically mean is the exact opposite. "The price of flour in Uruguay? I could care less." What you're saying there is you DO care about it. What you probably mean is "I couldn't care less," meaning not at all.

2. Who vs. whom. Who is a subject word. "Who are you?" "Who did that?" Whom is an object word, typically following a preposition. "To whom did you send the package?" "Of whom are you speaking?" "With whom did you go?"

3. Irregardless. This is redundant, and really not a word. You might find it in the dictionary, but there are several words that have crept into the dictionary because so many people use them so often. Ask yourself this: How does the word differ in meaning from "regardless"? It doesn't. If it did, like "irrespective" vs. "respective", then it would mean the opposite. Try this sentence: "Regardless of his degree in English, he continued to say, 'irregardless.'"

4. Got another thing coming. This could be a valid sentence. If I give you one thing, but I owe you two, then you have another thing coming. But that's not what people tend to mean when they say the phrase, which is actually, "You've got another think coming." That phrase is grammatically incorrect, on purpose, to be funny. Obviously the word should be thought. But you say the phrase in the way that you would scold a child. "Oh is that what you think? Well I'll tell you what buster, when I'm through with you you'll have another think coming." As in you'll change the kid's mind. This misused phrase was further ingrained in the classic Judas Priest song of the same name, which goes to show you should typically not get your language skills from metal bands, even legendary ones.

5. Despite vs. To spite. A former coworker of mine misused this one constantly. It seemed she always tried to work it in to a conversation, presentation, or email, and what made matters worse was that she would also be quick to tell you that she was perfect and a genius, which in itself was aggravating. Thus, "Despite insisting that she was a genius and perfect in every way, she used common words incorrectly every single day." The difference here is intent. "Despite" essentially means "even though." "To spite" would mean purposeful opposition. "Despite their 20-year age difference, the couple was happily married for 30 years," vs. "To spite his health-obsessed parents, Victor made a point of eating junk food every time he was out of the house, and started smoking at an early age."

6. Borrow vs. lend. This one is easy to understand, and it can keep you from embarassing yourself if you're looking for a loan from your bank, or a more well-to-do friend. You can borrow a dollar if your friend lends you one. If your friend does that, he's giving you a loan, lending you a dollar. He is not giving you a borrow. When you think about it that way, the difference is quite clear.

7. Itch vs. scratch. Very similar to borrow vs. lend. You can scratch an itch, you cannot itch a scratch. True, someone could say, "Could you itch my back?" but why would you want to make their back itchy? They probably mean it is itchy, please scratch it.

8. Conversate. Not a word. You hear this when people are trying to use more complex words to sound more intelligent, but ironically end up sounding less intelligent as a result. Obviously it would mean "talk" or maybe "communicate," and those are perfectly acceptable words, but the word "conversation" is being turned into a verb that doesn't exist. The first time I heard this, a friend of mine said, "We were outside, getting some air, just conversating." Said correctly it would be "conversing," which sounds weird and formal, but is grammatically correct. So stick to saying "talking" instead.

9. Should of, would of, could of. You'll read or hear these every day. Every one of them is wrong. Try this: Take "should" out of the picture and put in the rest of the sentence. "I of gone to the store." What the hell does that mean? Nothing. Replace it with the actual word you should be using and it makes more sense. "I have gone to the store," or "I should have gone to the store." Bingo.

10. To, two, too. There's an easy way to remember which of these to use. "I went to the store" is easy. You see that all the time. After that, remember that when you do something two times, you've done it twice. That's why they're spelled the same way. And, "too" means also. "Too, has one 'o', and another one, too."

11. Its vs. It's. The apostrophe in contractions represents one or more missing letters. "She's" means "she is." "It's" means "it is." The other version means something that belongs to "it." "The llama had a saddle on its back."

12. Karens vs. Karen's. The first one means there are multiple Karens. The second one means something that belongs to Karen, or "Karen is." "Look at all those Karens over there. I didn't know they had a national organization!" or "Karen's frosted razor-sharp bob makes her look more stereotypical than ever!"

13. Pet as a verb. If you have a dog, it is your pet. If you are stroking your dog's fur, you are petting it. If your dog enjoys that, your dog likes to be petted, or likes petting. Do not say, "He likes to be pet."

14. Boatload vs. buttload vs. assload. It took me a while to figure this one out, until I saw a quote from John Adams, during the time when he was Vice President, and he was complaining about the Senate. The exact quote doesn't matter, what matters is he was using it in the same context we have now, which is to mean "a lot." Except he was talking about the pack animal, not the body part. Which is why you now hear the term "buttload." If you bought a buttload of gifts, as people may say they have done while Christmas shopping, logically that would not be a lot. I don't know about you, but there aren't a lot of gifts I could fit in my butt, and if that's where I kept them, would you want to have one? But since we're more used to hearing "ass" used as a vulgarity in this century, people opted to use the word "butt" instead of "ass," thinking they were opting for a more acceptable, if illogical word. But what Adams and others at that time were meaning was, a pack animal like a donkey or ass, loaded down with someting. The variant you'll hear, from people who likely recognize that "buttload" makes little sense most of the time, is "boatload" which does make more sense, but then why say "boat" if you're on land?

15. 50 cent vs. 50 cents. What you're dealing with here is a descriptive phrase versus an actual number. The problem is confusing their meaning with their use, and it's clearer when you use "dollar" instead of "cent" as it's rarely misused. You may have a 5-dollar bill in your wallet, but if I lend it to you, you're borrowing 5 dollars. Simliarly, what we call a quarter is a 25-cent coin. It is worth 25 cents, I can spend it on things that cost 25 cents, and if I lose it I've lost 25 cents. I cannot lose 25 cent. I could however, lose 1 cent.