You Probably Know My Ex: The F*ckboy Philosopher Soren Kierkegaard
Satire!
You probably know Soren Kierkegaard as the writer of some of the most formidable philosophical and theological works of the nineteenth century. Maybe you don’t really understand anything he’s written (because let’s face it, he kind of sucked at communication even at the best of times and avoided conciseness like the plague), but vaguely know of him from your annoying philosophy major friend.
Cool. I wish I could be so naïve. Unfortunately, as his ex-fiancée, I don’t have that kind of luxury.
Sure, Soren was the “father of existentialism”, but how do you think he got there? Pure luck?? Hard work??? Let me enlighten you. When people bring up Soren in polite conversation, citing works like Either/Or, my heart all but shatters in my chest, as I am forced to reckon with the ways that my ex essentially exploited my emotional and intellectual labor just to leave me with nothing, much like Cordelia, in "The Seducer’s Diary". But of course you wouldn’t know my story, or my name. For the record, I am Regine Olsen, and I was the hottest, smartest girl in all of Copenhagen during the 1800s.
We had been engaged for some time and I was excitedly planning the upcoming nuptials, when he totally pulled the rug out from under me. He tried to assuage me with the “it’s not you it’s me” bit, citing that marriage would require him to reveal himself to another human being in a way that he was inherently unable to do? He was all like, there’s just “something spectral about me, something no one can endure who has to see me every day and have a real relationship with me”, and I was like??? You’re telling me this now? After everything? You do realize you're using your intellectualism to avoid acknowledging true vulnerability in relationship? That you are in fact describing a very elevated and pretentious form of commitment issues?
But he just kept on jabbering about how he had a sublime calling. He would literally not stop talking about God. Like I’m sorry I can’t be her????
Yes, in his early works, Kierkegaard discloses an ambiguous, occasionally paradoxical relationship to the Feminine. Sure, Kierkegaard’s predilection for pseudonymous authorship, and the proliferation of multiple voices which might ensue in any given work, make it difficult to locate Kierkegaard’s actual thoughts, let alone examine or pinpoint a cohesive perspective about gender. But in all of Kierkegaard’s works there is also a subtly nefarious treatment of the feminine, which takes the form of omission of the female experience altogether. This is complemented by the lack of focalizations around women as characters, narrators, or anything other than projections, which achieve definition in relation to their male counterparts. Although Kierkegaard’s relationship to the feminine self is necessarily complex by virtue of his reflective capacities, it must be indelibly intertwined with the context out of which it arises. All of this is to say I’m not saying he’s a misogynist—well actually, I am saying that.
Please don’t take this as any evidence that I am somehow bitter about everything. Honestly, Soren dumping me was probably for the best. He was way too old for me (we met when I was 15 and he was 24 which I now understand is creepy), and his priorities were pretty messed up. I went on to have a hot girl summer (or as much of a hot girl summer as one can reasonably be expected to have in the relatively frigid part of Denmark I was inhabiting at the time). I exhibited a profound talent for the arts, including painting and music, and later married my super hot tutor (what can I say--I love nerds).
I guess I should have known it wouldn’t work out: after all, he was a Taurus, and I was an Aquarius. It was basically written in the stars, but I digress. I heard he never really got over me, which makes a lot of sense to anyone who has ever had the pleasure of basking in my perfectly charming presence. Some scholars even think he might have been gay, or had a venereal disease, and that’s why he left me at the altar. Honestly I don’t really care anymore. I’m so over it.
About the Creator
Katie Alafdal
queer poet and visual artist. @leromanovs on insta
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