Why writing helps me to help others

I have only recently come back to writing after a prolonged break as a result of the real-life issues I was going through. Writing helps me to share my views as well as become an outlet for me on an emotional and psychological level. I am a woman with a physical disability and as a person with a disability, it can often be a challenge to have a voice in society. Writing gives me a voice that allows me to share my experiences that will hopefully in turn help others.

I found it almost impossible to write for a while, but now realise this is exactly when I should have been writing the most. I am going to try and explain some of the reasons I stopped writing and then discuss why I now realise I should have continued to write all along. October 2015 my life started down a road that there was no stopping and turning around on. I had been unhappy in my marriage for some time, as the years progressed it became evident that we wanted different things. I had always said that I didn't want children, not because of my disability but just because I enjoyed my freedom, wanted to see the world and didn't see a child in that world. My husband at the time was always very clear that he wanted children but the years progressed and we seemed happy with what we had, but there was always that subject, the elephant in the room.

I began to convince myself that I was okay with having a child and so we started trying for a baby. The years progressed and no baby, not sure we were trying by the end. Although the baby issue was the breaking point, there were other issues in our relationship. When I first met my husband, I had very little going on in my life, I was living with my parents and pretty much was going to work and come home, no real hobbies.

He showed me what life could be, encouraged me to go out and pursue some of my hobbies and dreams including writing. Doing this opened a door that I never expected and is all part of the reason we grew apart and wanted such different things. He reminded me what it was like to go out and have fun, socialise and participate in hobbies I enjoyed, I dared to dream. Unfortunately, this came just as he was looking to settle down. To add to the issues around wanting (or not) a baby, I was beginning to feel trapped, I wanted to go out, experience life, travel and generally just feel able to follow my dreams and not the dreams of someone else. So here comes the point, I finally felt brave enough to say it, I wanted a divorce. The pressure of trying to be someone I was not becoming too hard, I wanted to be true to myself.

Now, this decision on its own was life-changing, I had no idea what was to come next. Two days later, we were still coming to terms with the decision and trying to work out whether it was the right choice for us. I then receive a phone call from my mum, the minute I picked up the phone I knew there was something up. She informed me, she was going for a scan for lung cancer and I could tell she was expecting the worst news. At this point, my husband and I decided to put any final decision making to one side and wait to find out the results. The dreaded day came, she confirmed that she had stage four lung cancer. During those couple of weeks, my husband and I kept speaking and we knew that we had made the right decision. I knew I also couldn't hide it any longer from my parents and so told them the news. There was a shock to start with, they tried to get me to reconsider, I had a 'comfortable life' with him and so 'make the best of your situation as relationships change'. Once I explained everything, they understood that I was making the right decision for me. My mum said to me a while afterwards that she saw the 'old me' and that made me happy. She would have preferred to know I was settled and secure but also realised that I had to do this and this was going to be my journey.

As the months progressed, life continued, the divorce went through without any issues. It was a time of massive uncertainty for me though, the decision to get a divorce had a knock-on effect on many future decisions that were to follow like where I was going to live and what my future was going to look like. I could have stayed in the marriage as this was the safe option but knew I had to 'take the leap of faith' and follow what my heart was saying to me.

In the meantime, my mum continued to fight cancer with everything she had, in the end, she became too sick and the treatment stopped working and she lost her battle during the summer of that year, 9 months after the initial diagnosis, which gave a prognosis of anything from 2 months to a year, so every moment was special and I have this one memory, in particular, of a family and friends gathering the week before the passing that I will cherish forever. Little did we know there wasn't going to be any more moments like that, as just one week later she passed away, after a sudden decline in her health. I believe she was waiting for that one last party to go out with a bang. One thing I will always be grateful for was the decline was quick and so she wasn't suffering too long, she passed away peacefully with all the family around her.

Over the next few months, I went through the expected and quite normal process of grieving whilst still dealing with the divorce and all the decisions I had to make about my life including where to live.

After all of the turmoil of that year, things settled down, started to look up and I became much more in control of my destiny than I had ever done so before. I have had some wonderful experiences and have tried to live my life to the full and follow my dreams even when I didn't think they could become a reality. Life is still very up and down, with some days better than others. But I am still here to tell the tale and what a tale it has been.

As mentioned above, I stopped writing throughout this period and quite frankly I shouldn't have done. I find it hard to verbalise what I am feeling and so when I write I'm not saying how I feel or giving my opinion to one person but I am putting it out there for others to read if they would like to. My hope is that my writing can help others and not just myself. As the saying goes 'we are stronger together than apart'. Over the past few months since I have come back to writing it has given me an outlet to process my feeling and channel my thoughts in a positive rather than negative manner. I hope that my story, my views and my opinions spread far and wide, one read at a time. So if you like what I've written so far then please head over to my blog. The post I've written here has been adapted from a post I wrote on my blog.

https://wheeliesaz.blogspot.com