This is a Really Cheesy Fact

In 2020, approximately 21 million metric tonnes of cheese was produced worldwide. 21 million metric tonnes, let's take that in for a second. That's 21,000,000,000kg. That's roughly 300,000,000 humans, assigning an average weight of 70kg. We've got almost the average-weighted population of the whole U S of fucking A in cheese. I love a good block of ripe, coagulated milk curd as much as the next person but holy cow! The supply and demand for cheese is insane, so insane that out of this astounding mass of swiss, havarti, and cheddar that is made every year, 4% of it is stolen. Now we have 840,000,000kg of cheese that goes to fervent turophilic thieves across the globe, maybe some advocates for the mice, and a lot more to the lucrative casein black market.

If you ever find yourself in one of specialty artisanal cheese shops or even a fancy grocery store, you'll realize one thing: cheese can cost a pretty penny, depending on which one you want. Some blue cheeses can take you out $45/lbs. and there are other varieties that beat blue out pricewise. The reason for these high prices is the time taken and the bacterial processes that are necessary to make the cheese the way it is to the quality assurance and taste consistency that you find in the dairy aisle. But as we know the value of these cheeses, so do our brie bandits. A black market seller finding that local, isolated Italian farm that houses the Parmigiano Reggiano wheels that need to age 12 months could mean making upwards of $900 per wheel that they can manage to roll out. And these places are certainly not as guarded as a Swiss bank, although apparently they should be. 

Then there's the other side. Everyone who's anyone in black market biz knows that there has to be people willing to buy stuff that could have been smuggled in someone's stereotypically sketchy tan doubled-breasted trench coat or worse, down the pant side of someone's ensemble. Although the international fromage underground is a little less skeevy than that, it does require a heavy demand for it to be worth the endeavour. And oh boy, is there ever a demand. The aforementioned U S of fucking A is one example. They, like other countries, have regulations as to which kinds of cheese can be imported, produced, and sold in America because of FDA rules such as the bacterial risks of unpasteurized milk used in some cheeses. This causes problems for those restaurant chefs in Manhattan who want that authentic Époisses for those scrumptious tarts or the cheese-loving jetsetters who have had the taste of Bleu de Jex from Montbéliard and want it again from the comfort of their home in middle America. Now some of these people may just give up the quest for that one obscure cheese, but others are willing to face the legal ramifications of possessing this cheesy contraband via the black market.

Vogue, Atlas Obscura, and others have written about the proliferation and popularity of buying and selling cheeses on the black market. Even some of the cheese makers themselves are selling their goods on the black market to gain a larger pool of international buyers, cutting out the thieving middleman altogether. There are many reasons for the need of a cheese black market. Some farmers who make cheese do or did so surreptitiously, akin to the days of alcohol in the Prohibition. Spain had years under Francisco Franco where he wanted to centralize resources such that small farm productions were illicit. To circumvent this, the Spanish farmers turned to those who were willing to use their shops to sell the cheese out the back door and travel it outward to more populated areas. Even though this was in the days of WWII up to the 70s, the audience and commerce of the black market stayed strong for these cheese makers, meaning that even while they can make and sell cheese locally, they will maintain a portion of business underground. 

Today, COVID has touched every part of the world, every industry, every business, every job. The cheese black market is no different. Now that travel is heavily impeded, Finnish Oltermanni cheese is the primary illegally traded item in Russia. Small, innocuous bodegas in Russian towns have a secret business for cheese, a commodity that Russia has put sanctions on. Picture this: you go into a convenience store probably wearing a black hoodie with the hood up and some regular jeans, there's other people shopping about so you browse the aisles with no desire to buy anything in front of you. The cashier notices you and you two make the metaphysical communication with your eyes, maybe a slight nod, to say "I'm interested in some off-the-menu goods". You join the cashier to the backroom once the store clears out of any potential witnesses to the crimes you're about to commit, you identify the one you want, weigh it out, money exchanges hands and you leave quickly and calmly with your product. Mind you, this is cheese we're talking about, not any hard drugs or guns. Alright, maybe a slight dairy dramatization, but not totally false. These are the lengths people go for that creamy, dairy goodness.

The moral of this fact is that if all goes wrong and you're strapped for cash, steal some cheese or buy a cow and do it yourself. Obviously kidding, but there is some merit to it. Cheese is an incredibly valuable food item and an even more incredible international underground network. It's basically worth its weight in gold but you can eat it too!