Facts

I haven't heard the song "FACTS" (nor will I by choice this time around... this is Shapiro and some Macklemore wanna be Ive never heard, I assume any genre this particular poetry defines would be best scourged from the Earth).

I have had the lyrics come across my dash. Some of them, anyway. Because we live in a world where Ben Shapiro is somehow relevant to the point that he finds himself unironically attempting to be a rapper. Of course claiming that it isn't rap, because it isn't about drugs, sex, or clothes or violence... so let's just call it a "Museom" like Jimmy fucking Jr. This bit about not being a rap song because of what the song is about is important, it takes a whole verse in the Museom. Then the very next verse involves talking about drug use, violence, and sex in what has become iconic Shapiro. I do genuinely appreciate his tendency to go, "I'm not here to talk about |X|! Anyway, as I was saying, if you look at (X)...". Much of my humor is based on that same joke, and just because Shapiro is terribly unfunny at it, doesn't mean I don't appreciate the humor.

The lyrics themselves are merely some white asshole talking about how black people are in prison while he's on television getting paid. While making references to... successful black people. At a certain point, the lyric is "I have just as much money as Lizzo, please notice me, Senpai! I'm no wet ass pussy.", laid out as a tough-guy stance (Because I guess Shapiro GENUINELY BELIEVES that turning women on is a bad thing to point of using of a fully erect and seeping lady-boner as some kind of insult... meanwhile, skeet skeet skeet motherfucker. I might have digressed.).

To his credit, I suppose the lyrics rhyme and do follow a fairly obvious rhythm and meter. The lyrics feel like they'd be easy to bob your head along to, and I imagine the musical portion itself feels just as sterile and safe. With lyrics as dope or whatever as this, it'll be hard to justify anything more courageous. Though the italicized portions of the lyrics seem to indicate that Shapiro spits half a verse before the Tik-Tok famous hype man comes in and rhymes the line for him with the lazy efficacy of an AI trying to be edgy.

Which says nothing of their look. D.A.R.E. sweatshirts with meaningless sayings emblazoned on the front in some bizarre appeal to looking like a cop, because THATS what the world needs: Daddy Shapiro and Whacklemore telling us what to do. We are on our knees, Daddies! Pull the trigger and penetrate us with your love, bathe the world!

If you do it right, you don't even need a mic,
The flow grabs a hold and the whole world knows
That the words that are coming round like a blistering
Thundering, animalistic whirl of curled fury, lingering
As the beat grabs the heart and grips you cold,
Leaves you wondering when did I grow so bold,
Except I've always been here, I've always been there
Now that you're in my world, you've tripped a snare.
A hidden snake lurking, quietly biding time alone in the comfy chair,
Poised to strike when the timings right,
My fangs pierce the skin! Feel the bite.
A controversial figure to be targeted without controversy,
Not only do I know who the fuck you are,
I know nobody likes thee.

Yeah, I can pull a biblical ploy. Make reference to the fact that though I'm just a goy, I know I keep to the spirit of your laws better than you, and though you claim a yarmulke, nobody bothers call you Jew. Oh snap, look at that, I don't even need the structure. I'm just sitting here talking and it's YOUR brain that's ruptured. That's how it works, mate. That's how you do it. If you want to be a cheeky fuck, there's really nothing to it. See these words, up there emblazoned on the page? Can you hear the fucking guitars wailing and the drums that are full of rage? That's the magic working, pal, that's why I'm a wizard, see? Who gives a rip about the rules, it gets heart pumping in the chest and fuels a body that screams and bleed.

So tell me now, Shapiro, sir, who the fuck are you? With all that money in the bank, you bought a clown and grace us with this jest? The audacity to fix such claim upon my breast, and so with these words I finally lay your heart to rest. Forever shall the name "Ben Shapiro" ring through heaven's mighty halls: for being a cucked out little pussy with no balls.