Catherine Howard: the worst Valentine’s EVER, Tudor style.

One could actually say “almost” the worst Valentine's of all time. Not because the ill-fated teenage Queen didn’t get the worst Valentine’s gift ever (she absolutely takes the cake) but because the poor thing didn’t even make it to the actual date: she was beheaded on February 13th, precisely 500 years ago.

So for those of you who loathe this time of the year because you haven’t found love yet, or because you recently broke up and get triggered by all the lovey-dovey merch, countless social media posts, and overall soapy atmosphere surrounding the festivity, here is a consolation mantra: Catherine Howard had it way worse.

While some are unhappy because their other half gets them a last-minute rose from the corner shop, the unfortunate lass spent her last night practicing how to lay her pretty copper braids in the executioner’s block with regal dignity.

Sure, one can say that this is the tale of a gal who was an airhead of such magnitude that she ended up losing it.

It takes a lot of recklessness (and a staggering amount of stupidity) to think that one can get away with making a fool out of Henry the VIII, a grumpy King known for his cruelty and able to slaughter not only his subjects but his closest advisors and companions, elderly relatives and even his second wife and mother of his daughter — some of these people executed in rather gruesome fashions.

The very thought of Henry the VIII fancying a woman should have her running for dear life.

But since it was hard to escape once Good King Hal had set his sights on a lady, she had to be extra smart and try to be on his good side, which basically meant letting him have his way and never getting on his fragile nerves or bruising His Majesty’s huge ego.

Mastering that walk on eggshells was the formula for the success of his third and fourth wives, and failing at it the recipe for the downfall of his first and second ones. The meek Jane Seymour succeeded by keeping her mouth shut (after being threatened the only time she dared to speak up) and the pragmatical Anne of Cleves got herself a handsome divorce deal by simply moving out of the way, whereas the grand Catherine of Aragon died in misery for trying to reason with a fool and the sharp-tongued Anne Boleyn had the mercy of an expert swordsman rewarding her witty remarks.

But what little “Rose without a Thorn” Catherine did never ceases to amaze me. Not only she cheerfully married the King who had executed her own cousin on the (most likely false) accusation of adultery, she hid her s*xual history from him and on top of that, brought her ex-boyfriends to court and engaged in flirtation, or worse, with one of her husband’s favourite courtiers (a vicious social climber and a piece of work who frankly got what the poetic justice he deserved). That’s a prodigy of naivete if History ever saw one.

Obviously, she didn’t deserve the block. She was a vapid, full of life, high born but poorly raised (in every sense of the word) young woman with not much culture but a kind heart who grew up with little affection, even less supervision, and got blinded by her meteoric rise. Her fate was cruel and a waste of beauty and youth.

Had Catherine escaped her sentence and lived a little longer, in a couple of years I’m sure she would have wisened up and facepalmed at the thought of her younger self’s actions. Who doesn’t?

But destiny had another thing in store for her- becoming tragically famous. She may not have behaved like a Queen, but certainly died like one.

So if you are not crazy about your Valentine’s celebrations, remember: Catherine got the most wretched present ever. Count your blessings and make the most of it, as Catherine would if she could.